Christmas Blues Once Again

Really , i don't know where to start. I sit here at a table at the Drop Inn center looking at about 150 or so others that are I presume homeless, just like me.

Here, as I sit, I wonder what ails each and every one of them. For me, there no question. My children!

Yes, I miss my children and it feels sometimes like I will never see them ever again.

When early December arrives, I tend to get very depressed and I cant seem to focus on anything in my life. Today is no different.

Of course, being homeless doesn't help my situation much at all.

October 23rd I became homeless once again and part of me is actually OK with this. What I mean to say is. Nobody controls me anymore. When I was in the Keys To Recovery Program, it seemed like i was being controlled. I was actually always thinking about my childhood, when the Government had full control over my life. I never liked it then and I surer the hell don't like it as an adult. I don't like being told what I can and cant do in my life. My life is my life!

Being homeless I actually control what will happen next in my life. It is actually a lot less stressful. At least less stressful then having to answer to the Keys program.

I have not lost complete hope, i will see my children again in the near future and I am presently working on a solution to my dilemma.

A few days have gone by...Now I am on a mat at the Mustard Seed Foothills Shelter. It actually blows me away to see so many familiar faces that were here last time I stayed here. I wonder why it is, why oh why are they still here?

However, I need to stop wondering about others and start working on straightening my own life out.

As I said earlier, this is a very tough time of year for me and it seems to get harder every year that goes by, especially not seeing my children in so very long. Some time I actually wonder if the world would be a whole lot better without me. Then I think about all the good I think I could do, if only i would get my life in order. There really is no easy solution. If there was, I would have already tried.

The biggest change in my life is coming up. I actually have a really great business idea in mind and want to start it first thing in the new year. January 2nd to be precise. If all goes well, I will not only be able to get a place of my own but a vehicle as well within a couple of months.

You see, on August 29th, my family lawyer informed me that the judge wants me to re-apply for access to my children in six months. At that time I must have a place, a job and a vehicle in which to travel back and forth to Red Deer with. Red Deer is where my children live. If you don't know already, their names are Destiny and Tyler.. I actually understand that the judge just wants to make sure that I can make it from Calgary to red Deer in order to have visits and I'm OK with that.


It will be very difficult to accomplish this in the next few months but dammit, I am determined. I want to see my children. I have plenty of motivation and I know I am capable.

I really don't know what else to share at this time. I will tell you all that I am not using and I am focusing on trying to get things together for my business idea. I would love to tell you more but I will save that for another blog.

I would like to wish you all a happy holiday and a great New Year. Please keep me in your prayers. If anything i would want for Christmas it would be the support that I have so often got from you, my reader. Please continue to be that support, because it really does help. Remember that comments are always encouraged and I look forward to more from this blog.

Thanks for letting me share!
Will post again soon.
Your writer,
Tim Barber

Well....

So here I go again...

What I mean to say is...As of October 23rd I will be homeless once again, but I will get into that very soon. First I should let you all know what happened with the court date that was just over a month ago.

The bottom line is.. I must wait another fucking six months before I can attempt once again to try and get in contact with my children... NO! I'm not pissed about this...I am very angry... I am now supposed to make sure that I am working full time, I must have a place and I must have a vehicle in which to drive back and forth to Red Deer in.

The fact is, I feel like I can no longer deal with this fight and I am very close to giving up entirely. However, I beleive I still have some fight left in me. Lets get back to this in a moment, shall we.

As I said earlier, I am about to become homeless again and I really am not to concerned about this for some reason. I actually feel it will releive some of the stress that I am under right now. The thing is, I have been in this program called Keys To Recovery since the beginning of April and everything was going fine until one day this organization decided to walk in my apartment without proper notice while I was sleeping. This is against the law.Plain and simple. They had no right. Ever since, I have felt very uncomfortable and always wondering if they would ever do it again, I dont know. That is besides the point. There are other things that I did not agree with that has now put me in my position but I beleive they were looking for any excuse to get rid of me and it came in the form of me being 76$ behindin rent and they left me a notice of eviction. I do not really want to get into detail about this but will tell you that I plan on leaving peacefully and I am taking this to a lawyer because they ARE ALSO ACCUSING ME OF PERFORMING ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES IN MY APARTMENT WHICH IS A BUNCH OF CRAP. i WILL ADMIT THAT THEY DID A DRUG TEST AND FOUND POT IN MY SYSTEM, BUT IT WAS A JOINT THAT i SMOKED DOWNTOWN AND NOT IN MY APARTMENT. aNYWAY, i AM GETTING REAALY UPSET WRITING ABOUT THIS AND WOULD RATHER TALK OF OTHER THINGS.


Obviosly i was getting mad because everything became big letters and I really dont want to go back and re type everything.. Sort of funny..To me anyway...lol...

To get back to my children. I do love and miss them very much and I hope that I will find some way of overcoming some of my fears and doubts and just get ready to fight this. I truly believe that it is a fight that will be worth it in the end.

I dont have a lot else to say... I will say this...Thanks to those with such encouraging words.. You all know who you are and it is because of you that I will continue to fight.

Almost Homeless Again
Your Writer
Tim Barber

Scared

Hello all.

I know that you all have been waiting patiently for me to write another blog, so here it goes.

For the past month i have been trying to find work and also i have been spending a lot of time to myself. The biggest reason for spending time on my own is because it could become a reality that i will finally see my children and i needed time to figure out what i really need to do in my life in order to be a father , not just a father but a really good father to my children once i get that opportunity again. I just don't want to fuck it up like last time because i don't think that i could handle my life anymore if i were to lose them again.

In truth, i am a very scared individual right now and for the past month i have been debating on whether or not to bother in their life and to maybe just let them be. I know that right now, today i still don't feel like i have it in me to cope with things to come. I can tell you this though, i am not going to give up my fight to try and re acquaint myself with them. I need them in my life like a person needs air. They were my everything when i had them and i just travelled down a path of evil that i did not want them to be a part of. It may be that it took a long time to finally realize that but i at least am now trying and try i have.

I am well on my way to beating this addiction i have. I realize that if i go down that road of addiction again that i would no doubt lose the chance of being a father ever again. It sounds weird to me when i even think that because the fact is i am a father and i need to keep reminding myself of that.

I am so scared right now that i can hardly focus on anything but my children. I find myself listening to talented kids that sing and find myself weeping all alone in my place. I almost feel like i don't deserve anything good in life and really need to stop being so hard on myself. I find myself in tears so often these days over such weird things. I will be watching TV and something i see will just bring me to tears in such a spur of a moment. I am so sensitive and i have been like this all my life.

I think that my sensitivity has been a big downfall in my life. I don't think woman want a sensitive man but a real man but really what is a real man. I am confused. I have not been with anyone in some time and i think i am more scared of someone actually loving me for that sensitive guy i am and tend to become a loner. Maybe i am rambling but it always makes me feel better to write because a part of me just wants to Be a better person.

On August 29Th my lawyer goes to court in regards to me getting access to my children and my lawyer thinks she will have good news for me on Tuesday. I am scared. I really don't know if i am ready, it could be just a matter of a couple of weeks before i see them and i still don't know what to say or what to do.
I need help and i need advise and i would hope that you, my reader, would inspire me once again so that i can be positive in my future with my children.

I don't know what else to say, i do look forward to encouraging comments.

Thank You,
Tim Barber

Small Blog

I am doing well and just wanted to let my readers know that I will be posting another blog soon. I just got my Internet set up and I look forward to writing another good blog for you all.

I am actually waiting for word from my lawyer in regards to my children, and this news should be coming by the end of next week.

By the way, if anyone knows of anyone needing some labor work done, please contact me at tjwbarber@hotmail.com

I am now trying to find work as my medical social service plan has run out. So if you need some general help with anything or know someone who is looking for a good employee, please email me.

I am going to say good bye for now but i will be writing again within a couple of weeks,,, I promise...

Still here!
Tim Barber
Your Writer

Walk with me!

It has been some time now since I have posted a new blog and I would like to apologize for that. There is a part of me that actually feels like I have hardly any followers these days and it actually depresses me. This is something that I think I need to work harder at. That is, I need to start giving you what you want and I do believe it is to post more blogs more often. I would also like tom give you, my reader, the opportunity to tell me what it is you would like to know.

What I would like to know is, what do you want me to write about. Would you like to hear about a certain shelter, more about my life, where to go for resources and basically anything you think I might be able to tell you about. If it is something I cannot answer, I will be honest and tell you I cant answer. However, I would still like to get your comments and ideas on how I can make this a better blog. That it what I would like and I hope that you would like the same.

As for how I have been doing this past few weeks,well, I have had my ups and downs. For the most part I am doing pretty damn good. At least I am staying clean and sober. This I would say is the most important thing. Actually this is not entirely true and I cannot lie to you, my reader. There was a couple of weekends where I drank a six pack of beer. The only reason I am telling you this is because if I lie to you, It will not be the better person I am trying to become. Besides, honesty is a part of being that better person I strive to be. In one way it scares me to tell you I drank because I am afraid that you will think that I am losing my way. I am not losing my way by any means and I am still devoted to getting my life turned around and to getting my children back in my life in the near future.

Enough about that, if you want to write a comment about this, please, I would be happy to see any comments that you, my reader, have to say to me. So please, start writing comments.

Also, about 10 days ago I was assaulted by three teens between the ages of 17-20 and they actually beat me up pretty good. I am doing better now and I am more upset that they made me miss three days of walking with the homeless. The actual assault was a random attack and it may seem strange but I now feel safer feeding the homeless then I do walking in my own area since the assault. It is too bad that I didn't get a good look at my attackers but I am thankful for the witnesses that prevented any further beating upon me. To my witnesses, I thank you. I will not go into any further details about this as it is done and I am now healing. Enough said.

I got a chance tonight to go out and walk with the homeless and I am so glad I did because it really did bring my spirits back up and I am so glad to be a part of Kim's team. All of her volunteers do such a wonderful job and it makes me proud to be a part of the team.

Last night we had a chance to go to Alpha House and meet some incredible people. Alpha House has such compassion for these people and I love the staff members there so very much and cant say enough about the job they are doing for the community. To always see them smiling and trying to help those that have been drinking or using is such a treat for me to see the compassion they give to all. It is with great pleasure that we give to Alpha House and look forward to going there on Tuesday nights.

Last night there was a concert going on, Rhianna was at the Saddedome and there was tons of fans walking by us to get to the concert and probably wondering what it was we were doing. I actually started saying that the concert was canceled and they would actually be seeing Justin Beiber instead. This got more of laugh out of our wonderful volunteers then it did for the actual fans going to see Rhianna. Don't get me wrong, but I was just trying to be sociable. Besides I actually like Rhianna, not so much the Bieber. Lol...

All I can say is, it was nice to be back feeding the homeless and to see there smiling faces. I even had a woman come up and hug me and thank me for what we do. This thank you really should be going to Kim for starting her wonderful little walk, and as I said, I am so glad to be a part of it. Thank you Kim.

In other news, they are now down to 8 people at the Booth Center.. This place will be missed by many that have stayed here and felt more comfortable here then at other shelters. It was a safe place and I personally hate to see it go and hope that people find safe housing to go to.

Also, for those who have been following my battle with trying to get my children back in my life... Good News... I am only about a month or two away from a visit with them.. I must tell you that I am very nervous about the whole thing and I am trying hard to not think so much about it as it drives me crazy constantly thinking about them. I will keep you updated as my progress unfolds. I can tell you this much, the court date is now set for June 29th and I should no within a couple of days after that when my first visit will be. So please, pray for me and my children on a happy reunion. My lawyer says that I will be getting a visit lined up at the Woman's Center in Red Deer shortly after the court date. My fingers are crossed...xxx-xxx

There is not really much more that I have to say to you, but I do hope that you will use this time now to write comments and let me know what it is you would like to know about. Like I said, if I cant answer it, I will tell you.
Be safe, and please, as Kim would say Pay It Forward....

Side note: Congratulations Boston Bruins on winning the Stanley Cup.
: Shame on you who vandalized the city of Vancouver!
: We should all be proud of the terrific season they Had.. Way to Go
Vancouver Canucks.. You make me proud!
Thank You
Happy days and Happy nights
Your writer,
Tim Barber

Enjoying Life As It Is

Here I am, sitting in my place on the May long weekend enjoying some quite time to myself. I am so thankful to no longer be homeless. Yet, I am still reminded of how quickly things could turn if I do not watch my life's direction. What I mean to say is, like a lot of Calgarians, I am but just one paycheck away from the streets. Or, just one slip away from the shelter system once again.

Whenever I help Kim with Walking With The Homeless, I am reminded of the many people I knew who are still struggling to make it into their very own place. I can tell you that this is not an easy task.

I personally spent just over 4 years on our very streets. I am very aware of how easy it was to get caught up in the system. Basically, once you are into the shelter system, you become used to getting all your meals and other little things for free. Do you realize that there are so many places in which you can find a place to eat or get clothing or even toiletries such as free toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, soaps and shampoos...etc...

It made it easy for the person I used to be to continue with my ways. The truth is, I was an addict, actually I still am, I just know how to control my life today. This is something that took a lot of work and I actually have to work really hard to continue my clean ways. However, this was not easy in the beginning. In my opinion, there are a lot of homeless that have underlying issues that seem to get in the way of bettering their life. I know because I come from a background that may not of have been all that pleasant. It was the fact that I started to deal with these past issues, that I was able to gain some self confidence as well as some self esteem to get me to where I am today. There are still a lot of things in my life that I would like to improve on and I will continue to work as hard as I can just to get more happiness in my life. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, but not completely.

When I was in my using ways, living in the shelter system was an easy way for me to go out and make money whether it was under the table or working for a temp company; I could go out and spend all my money on drugs and alcohol and then go back to the shelter and still have a place to stay and a meal provided. This could happen almost every day and no one in the shelter system really cared because as long as you stayed there , they received their money. So the shelter basically got richer along with the drug dealers and liquor stores. In other words, the government stands to make the most, and I sure that if they could tax illegal drugs, they would make that much more. This is just my opinion.

During my stay in the Calgary shelter system, I learned quickly where to go to get certain needs and wants met. Now that I am living in my own place, I am learning to find new resources in order to get these needs met. It all comes down to how bad I want to remain in my own place, and trust me when I tell you that this means more to me then being on the street once again. I now want to look forward to a future of being able to do as I please and making sure that the choices I make in life are good choices. I used to make choices in life that were not very good and I stayed longer then I really should have in the homeless world. I am very determined not to make them same mistaken choices.

Now , as I sit here in my place, I start to feel more confident in myself. I am gaining great progress in my life and hopefully very soon I will be able to see my children. This is something that has been a long time coming. Things are really starting to shape up in my life and I cant wait to be a father once again. Wait! I am a father, I just haven't been able to do father things for over 5 years. I really think I am going to enjoy being in my children s lives. I myself am just a big kid at heart.

As for what is going on recently, well I have now finished my program at CTI which allowed me to get certification for several tickets including Forklift and First Aid. Watch out ladies, Timbits knows CPR, ,,lol...That is a joke. I am now presently trying to find work ,and I really don't want to jump at the first job I see, I want to make good choices. For example, I could go up north and work but that would be stupid on my part, especially knowing that there are a lot of people that drink and use drugs up north, not all but there are a few. So, for me I would like to find something in town so I can stay around my support network.

There is not much else I want to say today except that life is good and I want you, my reader to keep up with the great comments and support. I really appreciate the love and kindness you have shown me and hope you will continue to show such kindness, not just to me but o others that are suffering more then I

Thank You All.
Without you, I would be lost!



Tim Barber

Babbling About My Life

Its so good to be me. I am really enjoying my new life. It is very quite at times and sometimes I wonder how I got here. I believe it is due to you, my reader, that I have found faith in myself. I am doing very well.

I actually now have a nice looking apartment, thanks to donation of furniture from the DI.
Its amazing to think that there are so many shelters that help the homeless and now they are cutting back funding because they think the problem is going away. I don’t think this is a wise move considering that there are still many homeless that may have recently got out of a homeless situation but could very well still be just one paycheque away from being homeless once again. I am not saying that it will happen, but it is a real possibility. I think that by cutting funding it could cause problems in other shelters where some people really do not wish to be and are now being forced out of their comfort zone to a new shelter. Mark my words, you will start to see problems come the end of 2011 with the shelters.

I would like to say that I am going to see my kids soon but I would be lying. I actually now have to jump through hoops because their mother is making me look like a monster towards the courts. I, however will not let this bring me down and I will continue to fight for my right to see my children.

Basically now I need to prove that some of the things she is lying about are not truth and I need to provide proof that I am doing well in life. The one thing that really pisses me off is the fact that she noted in her affidavit that apparently the children are very scared of me. I don’t know what it is that she has been telling them, but I know that I never ever hurt my children and they were very happy being with dad, the last time I saw them. It really upsets me that she would run me down, when I have never said anything bad about her. It almost makes me wonder what I ever saw in her. The truth is, I still wont talk bad about her and I love her, for she gave me 2 wonderful gifts in life. Their names are Tyler and Destiny.

Enough with that for now, I will do what it takes and I will have them back in my life someday, just a little longer then I wanted. Not to worry, I have hope and faith in myself.

I would like to mention that I am attending the CTI program at the DI for another 2 weeks, I actually started on May 2nd and am doing very well. I have now passed 4 different courses and am well on my way to graduating at the top of the class.

I will not ramble on any more, but I did want to mention that I really enjoy helping Kim with Walking With the Homeless and actually look forward to the days we go down and give back to the people , where I once was. I find it is the best way to keep me to going back to drugs. I no longer use crack cocaine nor smoke weed or any other type of drug, and for that I am Grateful

Thanks for letting me ramble, until next time, be kind to a homeless man or woman today, they too are people.

Thanks,
Tim Barber

April Showers?---Snow!

Wow, its another snowfall for Calgary. Does not surprise me, if you wait ten minutes, you will see the sunshine. Got to love being a Calgarian! Even better, I love being a clean and sober Calgarian. This is not an easy task, but I am doing it.

I’ve now been in my new place for two weeks and things are coming along nicely. I also try to get out every day and get fresh air. I have tried going down to the Central library on several occasions and had no luck getting on the computer. I decided to try this library up in my area. It is the Village Square branch and I walked in and was able to get on a computer immediately. Woohoo!

So now I write another blog. I write not only for you, my reader, but I write for the therapeutic value of just being able to share my story. I write for me!

When I first moved into my place I can honestly say that I was scared of being alone for the first time in many years. However, I now realize that I really am not alone so long as I continue to pray to God, and to get out to meetings and meet new people. Actually, I have made friends with Angeline and her husband and they even had me over for dinner one night last week, it was fantastic. I was also introduced to a couple of their friends. The first person they introduced me too was Kristina and her adorable daughter Trinity. I will be honest and say that I was attracted to Kristina right from the first moment I saw her. However, I also realize that it was just my hormones working in overdrive. I need to focus on me and stop thinking about a relationship. I think it was just that I haven’t been with any one in some time now and feel like I need the love of someone in my life. Anyway, I need to watch my thinking, so I went and had a cold shower, lol.

The next person I was introduced to was another friend of Angeline’s and Graham’s, was a guy named Glenn. Nice guy, but really we didn’t really get a chance to talk much, he was hoping to meet with his girlfriend and she never showed up, that’s a woman for you. Maybe its a lesson for me that I don’t need one in my life right now.

In other news, I managed to get a nice entertainment unit for my place and it almost looks brand new. Its new to me. I’m actually looking forward to the 27th when I get to go pick out some more furniture from the Drop Inn Centre Furniture program. The biggest thing that I hope to get from them is a dining room table and chairs as well as a washer and dryer. Of course anything extra that I get would be a big bonus. Then again, I also have an opportunity to go to the Interfaith Furniture Store the very next day and pick out some other things that I might need. Did I ever mention to you, my reader, that I can be very resourceful. Well, now you know! My life is just getting better and better every day.

Its really because I am starting to focus more and more on my future and God willing, it will be a future back with my children. As a matter a fact, I am looking so forward to the court date for access on the 27th as well. Man, my life really is good, so long as I stay clean and sober.

Before I finish up, I wanted to mention that I have also been under the weather the last couple of days, it all started with an itchy throat and now I feel sickly. This however will not stop me from getting out and getting fresh air, and it will not stop me from going downtown tonight to help Kim, with Walking with the Homeless. This is a very important part in my recovery and it really is to me, paying it forward. I know what it is like to live in the shelter system, I was there up until just two weeks ago, so I want to help to give back my time to help those who are still struggling.

Before I go, I want to thank all my readers for your support you have shown me and I do hope that you will leave all of your encouraging comments as you have done in the past. You have been a big part in my recovery and I thank you so very much.

Enjoy the weather
Stay warm
Your writer,
Tim Barber

Change Is Good!

Its such a great day here in Calgary. Well, at least we got rid of that nasty snowstorm,,, no more snow til May long weekend..lol..

Sunny and warm today and I am no longer living homeless. My biggest problem now is trying to keep myself busy. However , I will continue to write for this blog and hope that soon I will have others writing on here as well. I actually hope to get other stories and post them myself. It may take some time but I am determined to do this.

I moved into my 1 bedroom apartment on Thursday March 31, and I have to say that I have been nothing but smiles the last few days. Its actually comical, because I could barely sleep that very first night and when I finally did sleep, it was only for about 6 hours. I actually woke up in this new place and it dawned on me that it was April 1st.

April Fools. Not! I am actually in my own place, this is not a joke! I was accepted to the Keys To Recovery program and they actually set you up with a bed, a dresser, 2 night tables, a coffee table and a couch. They also take you out and let you buy 200 dollars in groceries and another 120 dollars in essentials such as bedding, towels, dishes and other household essentials. It was so awesome that I couldn't stop smiling all through the Walmart store. By the way, that's where we did all the shopping.

Keys to Recovery will also provide me with support on a weekly basis to help me integrate back into society over the next year. They will help me to make personal goals as well as staying clean and sober. I have to tell you that I have never felt so damn determined in my recovery and I know that I can do this. I am so damn proud of myself for the things I have already accomplished and I have not even begun to aim for the bigger things in life.

I actually go out every day just to enjoy some fresh air and I am making it to meetings. I know that I will have to continue with the every day things that have brought me this far, and I need to remember what my past was like, I will not shut the door on the past, but I will live in the present.

I already have applied to get into the CTI program at the Drop Inn Center. It is actually a program that runs for 3 weeks and I will end up with 16 different tickets that will help with finding employment. Some of these tickets are first aid, forklift and computer training. There are more then that, but it would take too long to explain them all. Maybe in another blog once I actually start the program. I also put in for a computer and for some more furniture at the Drop Inn.

As for today, I am going to one of my favourite meetings at United Church, it is called Celebrating Recovery, and that is exactly what I want to do, celebrate my recovery but without the use of alcohol or drugs. Thank you God!

I really don't know what else to say, except thank you to all my followers for all your support, I really couldn't have done this without you and I hope that you will continue to leave your comments as usual. I wish all of you the happiness in life that you so deserve. Please pay it forward.

God is Good.
All the time.
Thanks for listening
Tim Barber

Amazing! God is Good!

Hello to all of you! It is a glorious day in my silly silly life. That's just a line from Pink! I feel so alive and so full of energy. I am so proud of myself for continuing with my clean and sober ways. Every day that goes by, I feel so much more confident in myself that I can remain clean and sober.

I would like to welcome my newest follower, Surina, welcome to my blog. I call it my blog, because I am now the administrator and have the power to invite other authors. I am going to ask all of my followers, if you know any one that is homeless or has experienced homelessness, to please email me and get involved. I am also starting a project that will get others heard in the near future. It involves talking to the homeless and getting their story. I am actually still working on some questions I think would be beneficial for you, my reader , to know about homelessness.

In other news, which there has been some drastic developments in my upcoming future and i think i will share them with you now. I know! Quit mumbling and get on with it, but first I just want to tell you once again what a wonderful world it is that we live in. I am just so happy to be a Calgarian, with all the wonderful people that i have in my life.

For one, Kim has been such an inspiration for me as each and every one of you has as well been instrumental in my recovery. Really, I don't know how to say thank you enough. How about I just let you know the news. No crying allowed.

First of all, I was accepted into the Keys to Recovery program. I will be looking at a few one bedroom places next week and i get to pick the one I like. Then i get to move into this place by myself within 2 days following my very own choice. Wow. I'm so excited as i tell you this i have a great big grin on my face. Oh boy! Oh boy! Sorry, I'm just so darn happy. Doping my happy dance every day. I also have to say thank you "God". This is the best thing that has happened in years.

But that's not all folks, no, not at all. It just so happens that I was talking to my lawyer on the same day I was accepted to Keys to Recovery and .....The court date is set for April 27th to get access to seeing my kids. Oh Boy! oh Boy!. Did I mention that I am so hyper, elated, excited, joyous, grateful,. Yes, I think I did. Can you tell?

Anyway, over the next month I will be filling you in on all the details of my move in, and letting you know more about every day activities that I plan on getting involved in. I have to remember with all this excitement, that I still need to take it day by day.

One last thing before I go, I want to say thank you again to all my followers for posting comments on my blogs and as well as on facebook. I really do appreciate all your comments and encourage you to continue posting them.

Also, thank you Kim, for getting things from The Mustard Seed for my new place, you really are an Angel, you know that, don't you?

A special thank you goes out as well to Trudy who works at the Mustard Seed and let me pick out lots of things for my place including a really fantastic TV. God bless you and the Mustard Seed for all your work with the homeless.

Last but not least. I sure am going to miss all the staff at the Alpha House. They were a very big part in the changes in my life and I really wouldn't have been able to do this without them. I am forever grateful for your compassion and kindness. I know you will all miss me there, and if you want I will come back and visit everyday..lol..I can see the look on a few staff members faces thinking, no, stay away.. just kidding.. I know how much you people will miss my good nature..admit it..I love you all. Thank You

Joyous Times

Happy Birthday to me.

Its such a good day to be clean and sober. I feel so young and alive. I feel like I am 20 all over again. In fact I am only 23 today! NOT! Actually 44, ouch!

I am so happy today because I got my affidavit signed by a commissioner of oath, which is to go to my family lawyer to possibly see my kids by as early s the end of April. It has taken many years to accomplish this and I am so looking forward to the day I once again reunite with my children.

I have also graduated from the AADAC program and even have a certificate.. I think I am cured! NOT!! I still have the rest of my life being an addict and I now need to make the right choices in order to maintain my recovery. I have the choice whether or not I want to be in active addiction or a recovering addict. I choose recovery.

I realize that this affidavit I signed means a big turning point in my life and I will likely have a lot of emotions coming into my life over the next few months and I have to handle them without the use of drugs and alcohol.

My biggest plus is that I have a great support network in this blog and on facebook. I need you, my reader more then ever to start leaving encouraging words and comments more then ever. Also, over the next few months as I go forward, I may have some very emotional days and I will need people to talk to. I surely will look to you all for support. I will also pray to God that he helps with my little problems, I now know that can do this and I will not give up. The only thing I will give up, is drugs and alcohol. Simple!

I would love to say that it is simple, however, I have been using for a good two thirds of my life and I have to continue doing all the little things that help me in my recovery.

Some of these things I will list now and if you can think of anything else that may help me in my recovery, please do not hesitate to leave remarks of your suggestions. I am willing to try anything if it helps my recovery...Here we go;

Facebook Friends
Journaling
Writing my book
12 Step meetings
Looking for a sponsor
Counseling
Reading recovery books
I could probably think of more, I want your ideas now.

Thanks for listening.
I look forward to all your comments.

Tim Barber

The Happy Dance!! lol

Everything I do these days seems to be addiction related. This is not such a bad thing considering how early it is in my recovery this time around. I am almost finished with my AADAC program and finding myself wondering what I can do next to keep myself busy during the day.

I think I will try and find somewhere that I can volunteer my services to keep me from getting bored. There is another slogan which I find effective in preventing a relapse, its called HALT
Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired

If I find myself getting into one of these areas it is not a good thing.

Right at the present time I am being fed very well by the Alpha House Society, so I don’t need to worry about that until I actually leave Alpha House. Then it is very important that I continue to feed myself and keep my weight up to what it is at the present time.

As for being angry, well I am not one that actually gets angry all that often and I do know that it is a normal emotion so long as I deal with anger when it presents itself and don’t let it build up. Its funny, how can I be angry when every morning I wake up and do my Happy Dance...lol...

As for being lonely, well this one seems pretty basic to me... Go to meetings every night and I should be OK... However that being said, I need to also get out and meet new people who are not using and are willing to help me in my recovery. I need people who like to go for walks, have coffee, play cards, etc...etc...I need people just like you reading this blog.

Tired , so tired, well my medication seems to be giving me more energy to be able to have a fulfilling day and I am getting my 8 hours of sleep every night, so I am good.....

I cant believe I actually have 32 days in clean and sober, where has the time gone? I even still have some money in the bank, can you believe it? Wow!!! Let me say that just one more time, Wow!! I feel really proud of myself the way I have changed the way of thinking, I am able to cope with my emotions without the use of drugs or alcohol... I really have found a new way of life, my life... I need not worry about what will happen the rest of the day, I need worry only worry about the here and now. Even then, why worry?

I really don’t no what else to say at this time , except to thank you all for your support, couldn’t do it without you.

All the best,

Tim Barber

Have you stopped to take time for a talk with a homeless person. It only takes 15 minutes of your time and it is well worth it. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by, it could literally make the difference in a persons life. I encourage you, go now, talk with a homeless person, stop reading my blog and go, I MEAN NOW!!!!!!

Untitled

As I sit here in my glass house with all the fakeness and pain that I am enduring, as I sit and wonder, will you drink today, will you question me, will you call me a whore, will you lash your fist in anger , is it my illness the drink, Yes, you made it mine. I become so intense with your anger and pain, but today as I wake in my lonely bed, I feel safe, but as I turn the corner outside my room and see you with the day after looking glassy eyed and fucked up, I wonder how long the shit will start, the pain will lash out soon, I want to run but my feet won’t let me. I am buried in your pain and anger, I tingle from head to toe feeling your pain, I try as I might to keep you out, but you creep back in, your promise of no more drink, but the drink takes over and your pain turns to anger and the fist will shake and the pain will unlock your nightmares that become my own, as I sit here and wonder…
The day after you are full of tears and regret, but I know it will be short lived, but I want to believe you, I want to sit in that sunshine with you and feel the sun on our bodies and no more pain, the promises you gave to me are all but dreams, as I sit here and wonder and you in another place with your drink in hand, I wait for your pain to become mine.
As I sit here and wonder, I am scared, I am lonely, the pain becomes so great, because the drinking becomes more, the anger becomes worse and the threats seem strange to me because I don’t give a damn of your pain, I want it gone, I want you gone I want to breathe good air and good times. I want to bask in the sunshine with no anger or guilt that you will throw. Oh I am done with your guilt and your lies of yesterday, your anger is yours, not mine, but I sit here and tremble of what may happen today. You won’t leave, but you won’t share, the only thing you share is the painful bruises and hurts that you have inflicted upon me.
As I sit here in the middle of the day and wait for you to arrive, you walk in drunk and full of hate for your pain and bitterness, you look different, you feel slimy, the pain is starting,,, you say, I am sorry in a slurred voice, you say, I don’t want to frighten you little girl, but your rage is still there, are you tricking me, I wait and sit, not moving a muscle in fear that you will see that as me being sarcastic, I nod and agree with everything you say because you want me to believe those awful things you have said, Whore, wicked, evil, you tell me I have addictions, I do, it is you, but I want you to go so my additions will heal.
As I sit here and wonder……

This was written by a woman that has finally said, Goodbye to that life. She wanted me to share this with the group…

Anonymous

Posted by Tim Barber on this brave woman's behalf with permission from a very dear support in my life, Kim Gagnon

Thank you
Please leave encouraging comments
Remember to always Pay it Forward

HOW?

When I put my mind to it, I can do anything. Proof, will be in my actions. I have a lot of growing up to do , in order to actually grow up. Does this make any sense?

I need to change the way I think, I also need to change my old habits. HOW?

As it is said I most of the anonymous meeting, it is important to be:
HONEST
OPENMINDED
WILLINGNESS

These are three things that usually come easy to me in my life.

#1-Honesty

I have always tried to be honest in my life. Somehow I lost that honesty while I was in my using ways. So, for me, its just a matter of staying clean from alcohol and drugs. Thus, I will stay honest.

I am not ashamed of being an addict, if anything it has made me a much stronger person in life, mentally. Don’t get the wrong impression, I will not go back to drugs and alcohol just to prove this point. The point is, I am a smart person who knows now what it is like to be hooked on some sort of drug or another. And the bottom line to you, my reader is, alcohol is also a drug...period. I know now the effects it has on me and on others, including my friends and my family. I could go on and on about this but that can wait for another time.

#2-Open-Minded

I have to be open to new ideas, I need not just open my ears and let information through like a river to the outside where it gets lost in the world around me. I need to put cotton baton in one ear and be able to absorb the information and things people are telling me. This applies to people who are trying to help me in my recovery. I may not like some of these suggestions but I realize that so long as I am open-minded about the suggestions being made and at least give them thought, it may be something that will help me in my recovery further down the road. It could be as simple as reading some literature or any idea for that matter. So long as I have an open mind about what is said or suggested. It couldn’t hurt!

#3-Willingness

This one sounds like it would be easy considering I never had a problem, being I was always willing to try new drugs and to do new things all through my life. Some of these things I became very ashamed of and at this time I will not get into them as I will be revealing all in my book. Which I hope you all will read. Yes, that means you too! You, reading this blog.

For me, willingness means going that extra mile to remain clean and sober. Whether I am setting up for a meeting, being someone to talk to or even volunteering. Basically, I want to give back to those who have helped in my road to recovery. This is something I have already begun to do and I will continue to do so. I actually feel so much better about these little things that I am doing now, where it almost makes me feel high! It is a high on life which has become my new addiction, a healthy one!

Its actually weird when I look at the open-mindness and willingness part because I was always this way when it came to alcohol and drugs. I need to now take this to a whole new level. As it says in the third step of Anonymous programs. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him.

To me, this means my thoughts and actions. I need to change the way I think and I need to take action. It seems pretty easy, but it is going to take a lot of work.

For so many years now I have always drank or used drugs to cope with the way I feel. Dealing with the trauma of past events and the pain I endured, the anger, the guilt and the grief are among the many things that I didn’t want to deal with without some sort of drug. I was self medicating. Now I am focusing on my support network that I am building in order to deal with these thoughts and feelings in a more healthy way. No longer will I run from my problems but I will confront them with the help of others, including you, my reader.

I know that deep down inside of me there is a good person that wants to come out and every day a little piece of me does. Only because I am staying clean and sober. I believe there is good in each and every individual on this earth. Each person I believe has a unique gift given to them. It may take many years to find out that gift and purpose but it is well worth pursuing. I personally am going to try my very best to be the very best version of myself that I could possibly be.

In other news for my followers:

I am still clean and sober and I am in my first week of AADAC day program and I find myself sharing some of the skeletons from my closet to some great group members. I actually had a great deal of relief sharing one experience today which nobody judged me for and it totally blows me away that I actually am getting some closure in my life. This doesn’t mean I am cured by no means and I still have plenty of work left to do but it feels great to be me today.

I am also currently working on a small project for this blog. I am trying to get others involved by writing their stories so we can share our stories with you. I would hope then when I do get some more authors on this blog, you will sow them the same compassion you have shown me over the past year. Can you believe this blog is over a year old? I encourage you to leave comments to new authors as you have done to me. I hope that by getting our voices heard, we can change peoples lives even if its one person at a time.

I love you all, until next time. Good morning, good afternoon and good-night!

Tim Barber
(Timbits)

P.S- Please talk to a homeless person today and spend fifteen minutes, let them share their story with you, you might be surprised by what they have to say. What have you got to lose?

WANTED: Encouraging Comments

I'm Giving Up

Wait! Its not what you think. I’m not giving up on my life but I am giving up a lot of other things.

I am giving up on drugs and alcohol. I am also giving up all the crap that came with it. I am giving up being broke all the time. I’m giving up on the paranoia while on drugs. I’m giving up on the hiding. I’m giving up on the hangovers. I’m giving up on using friends. I am giving up to a higher power in my life that is going to help me in my recovery.

I am now clean and sober for sixteen days and this is just the beginning of a new life that I plan on having. I want to be a much better person who can actually make changes in other peoples lives. I actually have a great desire to actually start helping in the homeless industry in any way that I can. If anything I would like to be able to work in a kitchen at one of the shelters here in this city.

Right now I am actually getting a chance to volunteer my services in the Alpha House kitchen and I feel quite comfortable helping out. I really appreciate the kitchen staff that make such wonderful and nutritious meals for the clients of the detox program. I have had the opportunity to help Peter and Avril out and it makes me feel like a different person. I feel so alive when I can give back to the place that is helping me in my recovery. Avril and Peter are very kind and compassionate with all the clients and I cant say enough about how wonderful they really are.

I am still at Alpha House and probably will be until near the end of March at which time I hope to get into the Salvation Army’s addiction program on the fifth floor. As a condition to me staying for such a longer period of time while I await treatment I will be attending the day program at AADAC which is now known as Calgary Health Services. I start the assessment awareness program on Monday which is from 9-11 until Friday and then on the 7th I go for two weeks from 9-4. I actually am looking forward to this program to regain some of the tools that I need to be using in order to maintain a drug and alcohol free life.

I can’t say enough good things about Alpha House, except to say they have become a powerful support in my life and I hope that I will be able to give back some of my time to them in the future after my release date. The release date is still yet to be set but as I said, it should be around the end of March.

I want to thank all those that have left comments supporting me in my recovery. I want to thank Kim in particular because she has also been a very supportive person in my life and I just love her so very much. By the way, I love my new nickname, timbits. Lets just hope Timmy’s let me keep it lol.
You, my reader , are becoming a big support in my life and I hope that I can make you proud. Wait, let me rephrase that. I will make you proud!

In closing, I am getting closer and closer to being able to see my children and I will continue to update you on my life. I promise to continue blogging and I just ask that before you go to bed tonight, say a little prayer for me and to other addicts that may be struggling with their addiction. I love you all for your support. I am clean today and plan on being clean tomorrow too!

Delighted with the new me
Thank You Thank You Thank You
16 Days and still counting!!!!!
Tim Barber

What's Happening Now?

I wanted to talk a little more about Alpha House and what my plans are for my future.

First of all, I would like to take back a comment that I made about Alpha House in my earlier blog. I understand a lot more about what it is like to be a staff member working at Alpha House and they actually have a lot more patience with their clients then I gave them credit for. For this, I am truly sorry. I don’t think that I personally could handle some of the crap that they have to deal with day in and day out. The staffs actually do a wonderful job dealing with the clients that come into the shelter part of their system which I call intox. I will be talking about the Detox program shortly and about how wonderful the staff is there as well.

I would like to point out that I had said that the intox makes the DI look good and I was so wrong to say that. They are actually a lot better then the DI’s so called harm reduction program which is also for those drinking or using. For one thing, at least at Alpha House you have a mat to sleep on at any time you come into the shelter, where as during the day at the DI’s intox during the day you are only able to sleep on the floor without a mat. For this I am so grateful for the Alpha House for providing a mat so you don’t end up with the chill of a hard concrete floor. I think maybe the DI should at least consider making a change in that policy. I am sure they could get volunteers to clean mats. Considering that the DI has a lot more guest clients then Alpha House.

I would like to tell you that after I put the last blog on, I got into the Detox program the very next day and I can’t say enough good things about the wonderful staff that has helped me to start thinking about my life in a new way.

First I was asked to do an initial intake with one of the Detox staff by the name of Mark. He was actually quite pleasant and told me right off the bat that I would be able to relax a couple of days before having to take part in some of the programs and meetings that take place while in Detox. I will discuss these shortly. Mark actually took me for a walk around the unit which by the way is above the intox part of the shelter. He pointed out where the different resources were made available and basically made me feel very comfortable. I was also assigned to what I call a Resource Advisor whose responsibility was to monitor my progress while I was in Detox. The lovely people I was introduced to were Gwen and Alana. Both these ladies have been very professional in their job and have helped with my future plans for my life. These two ladies were the main people I have been dealing with while I stay here at Alpha House. I have also dealt with other casual workers as well as other full time staff that have been very kind in their approach to people such as myself that deal with addictions. All the staff including the staff from intox deserve a big pat on the back for there professionalism with people with addictions and I would recommend Alpha House as the place for any one that wants to deal with addiction issues. So, if you are a parent, a brother, a sister, a friend or an acquaintance of someone dear to you that are dealing with addictions, I would recommend you talking to an Alpha House staff member on how they can help.

The Detox has meetings held here as well as other various programs that clients in Detox are required to attend after there initial two days of rest. Not only that, clients are also to take part in daily chores. One of these chores is washing down and sterilizing mats in intox program every morning around nine thirty-ten o’clock. I realize that some of the clients don’t like to take part in this and they do whine about it but they really shouldn’t. It is a way of giving back to Alpha House for all the hard work that they do. Alpha House feeds the Detox clients very well and even provide snacks twice daily at three and nine PM. The food here is very nutritional and very good, I could never complain.

In closing I would like to make a couple of suggestions for Alpha House. Remember that I always like to be a critique and it is just my opinion. I feel that Alpha House Detox should actually have more addiction related type of meetings to make addicts understand more of what it is they are dealing with. They do have some of these in place as of present but I would recommend even more.

Please Alpha House, keep up with the wonderful job that you are doing for the homeless and addicted three hundred and sixty five days a year. You really are making a difference in a person’s life. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now for a little bit about what is happening in my life. I am number one on the waiting list to get back into the Canter of Hope Salvation Army addiction program and I hope to be in by the end of February. It will be an opportunity once again to get my life turned around and thanks to Alpha House they are making this possible.

In closing, my lawyer has now got the OK to serve the Red Deer school board to get the address of my Children’s mother and hopefully within the near future I will actually have the reality of seeing my children once again. YOOHOO!!!

Got to go now, thank you all for your wonderful support and I look forward to posting another blog soon with more progress.

Thanks for caring Calgary
Never Alone
Going to Meetings
Tim Barber

PS-Quick Saying for fellow addicts
7 Days without a meeting makes 1 weak!

This Will Blow Your Mind

Interesting, however! I have no fucking idea of what’s so interesting. I need help!
I am sorry, but not really, my life is really fucked right at this very moment!
Here I am sitting at the front door of Emmanuel Church, at the bus stop and I don’t know what to do next. I look around , traffic is flowing quite nicely, there’s not a lot of people walking around, it could be exactly what I needed. We’ll see!
You no what, I think I’ll go for a walk.
I went for a walk and bought a cup of coffee. Actually I found a Starbucks Card with $5.75 US , so this is actually the second cup of coffee off of the card, Lucky Me! lol Not Funny!
Time for the interesting part. I told you I would blow your mind so I will give you the quick version , then we will get into the events which happened.
Received $1104 dollars on Tuesday morning, it is now Wednesday Afternoon. You see where I’m going with this. Hold on, your in for a Hell of a ride.
I take another walk, this time I find a half joint of marijuana so I went to go sit under the bridge. The location does not matter. I used the crack pipe I had to smoke the joint. What a rush! So here I am several hours later,
By the way , I am at Alpha House. I’m not amused.
I don’t exactly hate myself but I feel pretty shitty.
I have heard it said that you learn from a relapse. How many times do I have to learn before I graduate. What I’m trying to say is, your always learning something or other in life. However , I’m still learning.
Alpha House is just one example of learning. Problem is, I must have forgot, or just played stupid.

Alpha House:
1 A lot of drunks.
2 Crabby staff-not all ( sorry, but you should record your day and watch it later and you would understand what I say.)
3 Very hard to get food.
4 They actually make the D.I. look good (I cant stand the D.I.)
Anyway, here I am again, At this moment I am waiting for them to put out some snacks. I haven’t eaten since Tuesday morning when I had a bowl of Rice Krispies. Its now 4 PM, I need something in my belly. I also haven’t slept since then either. I end up getting a bite to eat and passed out.

So I will now try to fill you in on the rest of the details. It all started when I received my T4 from Coremark. I decided to take it in to HR block, figuring to get back maybe $300. As I have already pointed out, I got back $1104 dollars. I can say quite truthfully that my thoughts were not on using when I went there but by the time I left, I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.
The first thing I did when I received my cash card was head straight across the road for a beer. After finishing my beer, I took the bus to the Casino where I took out the 1100 dollars. I never did play any of the slots. I actually proceeded to call a dealer and away I was in a cab. 15 minutes later I arrive and buy my first big chunk of crack. This cost me 240 dollars but would last me the next couple of hours. I went to the living room, and preceded to do my first hoot in about a couple of months.
That first hoot does its trick but I don’t stop at just one. NO! As soon as I finish that hoot I decide to send one of the houseguests to buy me a 15 pack of beer and 2 packs of smokes. By the time they get back with the beer I have already had a few more hoots. I only end up having 3 beer out of that first case and of course even more hoots. The only thing the hoots were doing by this point was making me more paranoid and very sketchy. I actually even asked the guy living at the place I was at if he knew a woman I could get together with, which he did. She showed up about a couple hours later. However, the only thing we wound up doing was getting more stoned and drinking a few more beer. not much beer though and absolutely no sex. By 10 AM the next morning I was broke except for 8 dollars in change which I would spend fairly quickly.
So I leave, all fucked up and still somewhat paranoid. Which actually brings me back to the beginning of this story.
It is now my second night at Alpha House. I actually went out for a few hours to get some cigarette butts and some fresh air. It seems weird putting that in one sentence, but that’s what I did.
I have not taken my meds in 3 days and I am starting to get a little shaky and grumpy, and I have very little energy. I hope to take my meds soon as I am still waiting for them to be dropped off.
The staff here seem a little less crabbier then from the day before. I also have my name on the detox list for the second day in a row. I am hoping that I can get in, as I said, I need help.
I should quickly mention that there was an article in the Sun on Thursday talking about crack and crime. The article stated that 8 or 9 out of 10 crack heads will resort to crime to fuel their addiction. I can tell you that I am not one of those people. Even though I agree with what was said in the article , I don’t want people to think that I fit in the category of those 8 or 9 people. Just because I use crack, don’t think for a second that I use crime to fuel my shitty addiction. I do not and will not ever steal to get drugs and if I ever do, please just shoot me!
I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen over the next few days but I do hope that I can find the help I so desperately need . I really don’t know what else to say now except to say that I am still learning and a lot further away from graduating.
In closing, I would like to thank the Alpha House staff for all of their help. I’m starting to understand what they go through on a daily basis. I don’t think it is so wise to work a 12 hour shift when your dealing with drunks and druggies. It seems to me that when you are getting closer to the end of your shifts, you tend to lose patience with your clients more frequently, not all staff. I would recommend shorter shifts. This is just my opinion. I will say this, keep up the good work. At least you have been patient with me.
This brings me to Friday morning and I have finally taken my medication and I feel somewhat better. I did not get into detox again today but I do have my name on the list again to try Saturday morning.
In closing, I ask that you, my reader, to please be patient with me while I try to figure things out in my life. Please keep me in your thoughts and in your prayers. I need your support more then ever and I hope that you will still provide that.

Still Living Homeless
Your Writer,
Tim Barber

P.S The only good thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s no place to go but up.

I Really Need A Laptop

Hello all, if by chance you have an old laptop kicking around your home, I sure could use it. I do not care if it is beat up and old, or even if it is internet worthy, so long as it has a USB port and i can put my memory stick in it, it will work for me to continue with my book. I actually have some more stuff on paper that I have been writing for the last couple of months and would really like to get it on memory stick. I would surely appreciate this, if you have one to donate to me. In return I would be happy to do some general labor work at your home or business.
I am doing very well and I want to continue to do well and this would help a great deal. A special thanks go's out to all that support me in my journey. Hopefully I will have my own place by the end of this month , a place I can call home. Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and in your prayers. All the best to all, and to all a very pleasant weekend.

Just Babbling

Its always been a plan of mine to try and get back in touch with my children, and It seems as though it is taking forever. It is absolutely frustrating not knowing what is going on in their life. I really want to be able to share some of their childhood with them, I want to be their when they have their first crushes, be there for a birthday a Christmas, be there for whatever they would need a dad to be there for.

Its been 5 years and yet i feel like i have lost the only thing in life that means anything to me. Actually i have lost the 2 things in life that i want back so badly that i hurt each and every day.

I remember when i was younger, i made myself some promises that i thought that i would always stick to. One of these promises was to always stay with my children should i ever become a dad. The reason i made this promise to myself was because i never had a father while growing up and even to this day i wonder what my father was like. Was he a lost soul like me?

Even though i try to stay positive, it seems to get harder and harder every day that passes me by without Tyler and Destiny. My son Tyler will be turning 9 in May and my daughter Destiny will turn 10 in June.

On to other things, i am now staying at the Mustard Seed Foothills shelter and trying to figure out where my life is going from here. I am actually looking for housing in a room of any sort, so long as it is a safe place where people don't use drugs and alcohol. I actually have to go talk to someone today in regards to a place.

I hope that in the months upcoming i will be able to find some peace in my life. It is an awful lonely feeling being homeless and i really want to change these circumstances so that i can lead a more rewarding life. I even have a hard time continuing my book because when your in a shelter there is always people around and i am not into people looking at what i am writing. Its my own damn business and i want it to stay that way until i am ready to release it to all to read.

I want to quickly thank all those who continue to read my blogs and encourage you to continue to read them as i will be putting more on in the near future. By the way, i am still continuing to struggle with my addiction but i am doing a lot better then i have and i am finding the support that is helping me cope with my urges. i am also trying to get a new network of friends who do not drink or use drugs, this is actually a very hard challenge.

I don't want to bore you all any longer then i have to, but i do hope you will leave words of encouragement as i can tell you that it really helps me tremendously. Thanks again for all your support and enjoy your day.

Tim Barber
Not Alone

Another Clean Day

Hello to all my readers,, I am somewhat surprised to see only one comment on my last blog. I surely hope that I still have followers that are following my blog. I have just recently become a member of facebook and now post all my blogs to their as well as here.

I am doing very well lately and am trying my very best to stay away from drugs and alcohol…. This is going good… I have not used in some time and want to continue my clean ways.

I thank all those who have been a very big support to me and hope you will continue to be support in my battle of life.

I talked with my lawyer recently, but still I have not heard anything other then he is still trying to locate the mother,,, It seems to me that it is dragging on… Hopefully this will be the year that I finally get to see my children once again… I can only keep praying that it is.

Lately I have been spending a lot of time to myself and I am doing a lot of reading.. I also have finished some more pages of my book,,, this is a good thing.


Just yesterday I was out walking around trying to enjoy the weather (tough, when it is cold) I found myself thinking about where my life is going,, I really don’t know sometimes but I feel as though God is guiding me in the right direction.

I am also starting to realize that there is so many people out there that can be supportive with kind words and just plain compassion,,, I encourage you to continue with your support not only for me but for others that are having a rough go of it.. A simple smile can make a world of difference to someone who might need just that at any given moment…

Todays blog is just a big thank you to all that continue to read ,,, I know you all want the world to be a better place and so do I. I love you all. God bless!

Tim Barber

Happy New Year?

Hello all, and Happy New Year.

I am hoping to have a better year, and I plan on doing something a little different this year in regards to my blog. I call it my blog because I am still the lone homeless writer continuing to post blogs.

I was recently staying in the mental short stay unit at the Peter Lougheed Hospital where I received some counsel due to some problems I was having. I want to thank the staff their as they were very helpful and professional in there care of all patients on the unit.

This holiday season was not easy for me to deal with and it is mostly because I miss my family but mostly I just miss my kids.

For all the readers that have been following my blog, you will know that I have been having problems with my addiction and I know that I will always be an addict but I also know it is my choice if I use or continue to stay clean. Thankfully, I am going on ten days clean and trying my best to continue this way.

I would also like to take this time to thank three wonderful ladies who have been thinking about me when i was in hospital. They are Kim, Holly and Carol. Thank you for your genuine kindness and compassion. I also know that there are lots of people that do have me in there prayers and I do thank each and every one of you as well.

I am hoping to be able to start doing things in my life that make me a little happier in life. I cant say exactly what it is I will do but I do want to find something. Right now I enjoy writing for an audience and i also have started continuing with my book once again.

I would also like to give all my readers a chance to read the first 70 pages of my book. What i am offering you is an opportunity to know about my life growing up. I can tell you that you might not like some of the real people that were a part of my life but it is all true and I invite you to email me for a copy. My email address is tjwbarber@hotmail.com I would also ask that if you want a copy of this book, that you leave a donation that will go towards me getting out of my homeless situation. No donation will go towards drugs or alcohol. That is a promise! If you are interested please email and I would prefer to give you the book in person.

I really want to turn my life around and that is why I have applied to go into a new treatment program as well as a concurrent disorder program in Claresholm. I am hoping that I will be able to get into these programs before the end of the month. I will also continue to update all of you on my life whether it is good or bad. I honestly believe that I can change and become a better person. It means a great deal to me to be able to write and if ever I needed the support of others, it is now. I don't want to waste my time with my addiction anymore, I'm now 43 and going on 44 in a couple of months and I have absolutely nothing in life. Well, actually I have two beautiful children and I want to see them more then anything. I know that if I continue to stay clean, it can become reality and I will not lose hope anymore.

I would also like to take this time to let you all know that I am currently trying to get on facebook and post my blogs on there as well as on this blog along with pictures of my children and other things, hopefully it will be soon.

For now, I would like to encourage you all once again to continue to follow my blogs and to invite a friend or family member to follow as well. I look forward to writing my next blog.

I would like to end on something that Jewel sings from her song Hands:

If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be, were all OK, not to worry, because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these, i wont be made useless, wont be made idle with despair.

I just thought i would share that with you. Her music has always made me feel better and for all those that have heard her music, you know why.

I still remember when I first heard her voice, it was like an angel singing to me and to me alone.

Thank you all for reading my blog, i will blog again soon.

You, My Reader, are my support
Tim Barber
Not feeling so lonely anymore.