I am slowly losing my mind! I cant understand what the Hell i am doing anyway differently then anyone else. I don't really understand why i should bring my problems into someone else's world. I have a hard enough time dealing with any of it myself. Who could imagine what my mind is thinking at any given moment. Yet, I reach out and look for any kind of moment in my life when i will finally see the light that brings so much Joy to my life,,, what the hell am i thinking? I'm confused!
Now that i have your attention! I want to tell you, my reader , a little story. Maybe! Lately i have been feeling like i am doing very well but for the most part, its being a functioning homeless person. I don't feel like a Dad in any real way. I am trying hard to try and explain this sense of mind of mine. This is no easy task.
This fucking addiction of mine is getting to be a real pain in the ass.
When my children were Aged 10 and 16 months of age, i had to make a big desicion in my life. The choice i made will impact them the rest of there life. What i am saying is, i should have been a better father. You see, i still feel shitty for giving my children up, not once, but twice. Thank God for there Mother! I dont know anymore. I feel as though maybe i should just leave them alone and let them be with there Mother. I dont know how to handle this pressure of raising children. I'm confused!
Please God help me! I want you to know that I'm OK, for the most part i think about my children each and every day. I want to cry when i think about there lovely little faces. Man what a fucking idiot i feel right now. I dont understand my whole fucked up life. Please God help me! Please let me just go lay in the grass.
Confused but still Hope
Tim Barber
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Tim,
ReplyDeleteIt is all okay. We are all confused sometimes. Some days are better than others. You don't have to be a perfect father; we all have our flaws. The fact that you want to be a good dad, your intention is to love them, is a perfect start. And maybe enough for now. If your children are old enough, you can say that to them. You are sorry for some of your choices, you are trying your best, you love them, you want to do better. And it will take time. Time spent with them doing stuff together for them to trust you again. Love yourself....you are worth it! Dianna
Don't do that!! As an adult child of homeless addict father, don't do it!! Don't say things like "maybe I should just leave them alone" especially to your children. I love my father will all of my heart and I would do almost anything to have him be a part of my life. I won't enable him by letting him live with me or give him money. I pray to god daily that he gets the help he needs by making the decision to help himself. I however still get to talk to him, even if thats all I ever get i'm glad i know him. I'm happy that i know he loves me even though he can't seem to act like it or love himself because of his addiction, his sickness. I'm frightened every day i'll learn of something horrible that happened to him and i'm sure one day i actually will, or he'll dissapear never to be heard from again. You see I wouldn't give up the momories of my dad even with all of the pain,worry,and fear that he has caused me. some of the happiest times in my life were spent with my dad and my siblings doing things that cost absolutly nothing but love, and i hope everyday that i get more.
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