Christmas Blues

How are you? I am doing as good as I possibly can. I really don't have a lot to say today, but I still thought it best to write a blog about how things are going.

First of all, I haven't used in the last week. I think its more or less because i haven't really been feeling all that well, also its because i have been a little depressed.

Christmas is a time of year that is supposed to be about family in my opinion, and i don't have any of my family around to share the holidays with. I miss being a part of a family and i would say that my only wish for this season is to find out what the hell is going on with my children.

I actually hate thinking about them because it depresses me that they are not a part of my life and i wonder whether they think of me at all. It may not mean much, but I do hope they have a very merry Christmas.

Lately I seem to be tired all the time and very lazy. Its almost as though i have already given up on this fight in my life. I really don't have the energy that i had up until just a couple of months ago. My whole world seems to be about just making it through another day.

I would like to quickly wish all of my followers a very merry Christmas and happy new year. I hope that i will be able to continue writing these blogs. Actually it is just a matter of time before i leave Calgary, i am just getting tired of this person i have become and plan on moving somewhere where no one knows of me and maybe i can try a new life that i can be a better person. The truth is, i don't think i am a good person, there are things in my life that i am not proud of. Basically, i am sick and tired of putting on a happy face, when deep down inside i feel a lot of pain. Not to mention that i have feelings of anger, confusion and shame.

I actually hope that an angel will appear and guide me into a new year in which i can find some happiness, that's all i ever really wanted in life, to be happy every day. Really, I don't think that its too much to ask. Is it?

Ive really enjoyed writing for you, my reader, and hopefully this season will be over soon and I can try and get on with a better life.

I want to say sorry if i seem a little down but i cant lie and say that everything is great when its not.

Again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Homeless
Depressed
Alone
Hopefully, I will talk to you next year.

Tim Barber

Homeless Winter Part 2

Since my last blog I have calmed down some. I wont tell you that i used because I haven't. Actually i am very pissed off at myself and hope to continue to consider my whole life in a different perspective. I want to try and become a functioning member of this society. Isn't that what people want . Its definitely what i want. I am not a perfect person and i don't think i could ever accomplish a feat that high. I can barely make it a day without thinking about drugs or alcohol. I know i am not perfect but i want to be the better version of what i have been. Actually, i just want to be able to enjoy some part of my life. i enjoy writing for example.

I want to find companionship. Its been a long time since i have been in a serious relationship. being homeless doesn't seem to help much. Its actually interesting to see how many homeless men and women have a companion. its not like I'm really looking, whats more important to me is getting my children back in my life. I always have to remember that. Problem with that is that i can barely take care of myself, but I'm working on it.

Today i am trying to focus my attention more towards doing things that will be productive for my life and help me get stronger. That's why i write to you today. I am feeling much better and i hope to continue to be less cranky when it comes to blogging. Thank you for letting me share my life with you.

I will end by telling you that i found a different job and its indoors. I hope to write you soon and let you know how things are going. Sometimes i get scared about what the future will bring and i really outta start worrying more about my here and now. WHAT!! Me worry!


That's all i have to say. I hope that you will forgive me for my last blog but it is a big part of my life. I enjoy writing these blogs and hope you will continue to follow.

All the best
Stay warm

Tim Barber
Homeless