Hello all.
I know that you all have been waiting patiently for me to write another blog, so here it goes.
For the past month i have been trying to find work and also i have been spending a lot of time to myself. The biggest reason for spending time on my own is because it could become a reality that i will finally see my children and i needed time to figure out what i really need to do in my life in order to be a father , not just a father but a really good father to my children once i get that opportunity again. I just don't want to fuck it up like last time because i don't think that i could handle my life anymore if i were to lose them again.
In truth, i am a very scared individual right now and for the past month i have been debating on whether or not to bother in their life and to maybe just let them be. I know that right now, today i still don't feel like i have it in me to cope with things to come. I can tell you this though, i am not going to give up my fight to try and re acquaint myself with them. I need them in my life like a person needs air. They were my everything when i had them and i just travelled down a path of evil that i did not want them to be a part of. It may be that it took a long time to finally realize that but i at least am now trying and try i have.
I am well on my way to beating this addiction i have. I realize that if i go down that road of addiction again that i would no doubt lose the chance of being a father ever again. It sounds weird to me when i even think that because the fact is i am a father and i need to keep reminding myself of that.
I am so scared right now that i can hardly focus on anything but my children. I find myself listening to talented kids that sing and find myself weeping all alone in my place. I almost feel like i don't deserve anything good in life and really need to stop being so hard on myself. I find myself in tears so often these days over such weird things. I will be watching TV and something i see will just bring me to tears in such a spur of a moment. I am so sensitive and i have been like this all my life.
I think that my sensitivity has been a big downfall in my life. I don't think woman want a sensitive man but a real man but really what is a real man. I am confused. I have not been with anyone in some time and i think i am more scared of someone actually loving me for that sensitive guy i am and tend to become a loner. Maybe i am rambling but it always makes me feel better to write because a part of me just wants to Be a better person.
On August 29Th my lawyer goes to court in regards to me getting access to my children and my lawyer thinks she will have good news for me on Tuesday. I am scared. I really don't know if i am ready, it could be just a matter of a couple of weeks before i see them and i still don't know what to say or what to do.
I need help and i need advise and i would hope that you, my reader, would inspire me once again so that i can be positive in my future with my children.
I don't know what else to say, i do look forward to encouraging comments.
Thank You,
Tim Barber
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I really hope this works out for you Tim, that you can re-enter the world of fatherhood and get to know your kids again.
ReplyDeleteAs for your sensitivity — that's a good thing. Being sensitive and open to experiencing emotion is being a real man.
Will definitely keep you in heart and mind over the coming days and weeks.
Hi Tim,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing your thoughts and emotions. I'm sure there are many others going through similar feelings and appreciate your honesty and knowing that they are not alone.
I can totally understand why you would be feeling so scared right now. But it sounds like you have come a long way already and you should always remember that in trying to build your confidence!
Also, don't forget that your kids are probably scared too. It's okay to be emotional and sensitive - it may even help you in listening and communicating with your kids. But also remember to be strong for them at the same time. Whenever you feel like it's too much to bear, remember how much they need you! I kind of grew up without my dad and I think missed having someone to just take care of me instead of having to take care of myself. It's not just about making money to give them. It's also about being a positive role model in their lives who are there to encourage them, listen to them, and just show that they care.
Keep going strong, Tim! I know you can do it. Now you have to believe in yourself too :) Keep writing and talk to someone, like a counsellor you feel comfortable with, if you think it will help!
All the best,
J
Oh by the way, Tim, have you thought about putting a "Subscribe to my blog" option on your blog page? I'm pretty sure you have the option to set it up. Maybe you have already thought about it, but it could be helpful for your readers to receive emails whenever you post something new. That way, if they forget to check back, they will be automatically notified anyways. Just a suggestion! :)
ReplyDeleteJ