I am slowly losing my mind! I cant understand what the Hell i am doing anyway differently then anyone else. I don't really understand why i should bring my problems into someone else's world. I have a hard enough time dealing with any of it myself. Who could imagine what my mind is thinking at any given moment. Yet, I reach out and look for any kind of moment in my life when i will finally see the light that brings so much Joy to my life,,, what the hell am i thinking? I'm confused!
Now that i have your attention! I want to tell you, my reader , a little story. Maybe! Lately i have been feeling like i am doing very well but for the most part, its being a functioning homeless person. I don't feel like a Dad in any real way. I am trying hard to try and explain this sense of mind of mine. This is no easy task.
This fucking addiction of mine is getting to be a real pain in the ass.
When my children were Aged 10 and 16 months of age, i had to make a big desicion in my life. The choice i made will impact them the rest of there life. What i am saying is, i should have been a better father. You see, i still feel shitty for giving my children up, not once, but twice. Thank God for there Mother! I dont know anymore. I feel as though maybe i should just leave them alone and let them be with there Mother. I dont know how to handle this pressure of raising children. I'm confused!
Please God help me! I want you to know that I'm OK, for the most part i think about my children each and every day. I want to cry when i think about there lovely little faces. Man what a fucking idiot i feel right now. I dont understand my whole fucked up life. Please God help me! Please let me just go lay in the grass.
Confused but still Hope
Tim Barber
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
HOPE
Hello again,
Today's blog is about hope. What is hope? Why is there hope? Where is hope? When will i find hope? I don't know if i have all the answers to these questions but i believe we all look for a little hope now and then in our lives. For me, i truly believe that i need a lot of hope to carry me through a lot of my days. The hope that i will eventually see my kids. The hope that i will eventually be in my own place. the hope that my life will be filled with good things surrounding me. the hope that i will conquer my addiction. Lately i feel as though i have been a little hard on myself due to some minor setbacks that i would like to talk to you, my reader, about.
For the most part of the last couple of weeks i have managed to stay clean and sober, however there was a few times where i went out and used. Now i know your probably thinking i went and used crack cocaine but it was actually only marijuana. Yes i smoked some weed. I in some way actually feel that it is better that i smoked weed then actually going out and doing crack. although i still know that i should be staying away from all drugs and alcohol.
There is a point in every ones life where they need to make decisions, for me it should be an easy decision to just say NO to all forms of drugs. This is not easy for me and i am trying very hard to control my every urge to use. Its not been that bad lately, and i have not used in the last week. I am however still beating myself up over my past usage of weed and i really shouldn't be.
I hope that i can continue to write great blogs for all to read and sometimes i feel as though nobody really cares. I still continue to write because for me it is very therapeutic and it helps me to carry on with what i would say has been a very difficult life at times.
The latest of my thoughts has been on when my lawyer will actually get my children back in my life. I constantly think of my children and at times i think so much about them that it actually gives me bad headaches. Its not that its bad thinking about my children and wanting to be back in there lives, its just that i think that i am scared of the day in which i will actually meet them once again and the way they will handle the situation. I am probably worried for nothing, but i am truly scared and i almost just want to run away from the whole situation. I can only hope that i will continue to stay strong and continue to try and be the best version of me i can possibly be.
A quick question for all my fathers out there. How would you handle seeing your children after four years of being away from them? i am in need of support in this matter and i hope that with your help i can focus on what i will say and what i will do when my moment finally comes. the reason i ask this question now is because my lawyer goes to court in Red Deer on Monday the 19Th to see about getting my access put back in place and i am getting very antsy about this. I don't know if i can handle this and i need support now more then ever.
I am probably rambling on but it feels better to know that i do have people out there that actually care about me. It would be hard for me to imagine where my life would be without this blog. This blog has given me a purpose in life and a reason to get up each and every day. I am not saying my life is easy but it is getting better with time.
Being homeless has its up and down days. For example, on Canada day i wanted to go take part in the celebrations at Olympic Plaza but when i went over there i felt out of place. I looked around and all i could see were families together and this just made me depressed. The same thing happened when i wanted to go to the Stampede Parade. to me, it just doesn't feel the same without my children in my life.
It is my hope that you, my reader, has a fantastic time this year at the Calgary Stampede and that you have good health all summer long. I would like to mention that i still continue to pray for the return of my children in my life someday soon, and i also pray for you, my reader. I know that there are still some of you out there praying for me and i would ask that you continue to pray for me and my children. I can feel things changing in my life day by day and i hope that my blogs have changed a small part of you and the way that you think of the homeless.
I am going to say good bye for now and i hope you will continue to read all my blogs and if you can, find a friend or relative to become a follower on my blog.
Thanks for lending me your ear,
Hope is everywhere,
Tim Barber
I find plenty of hope with you, my reader.
Today's blog is about hope. What is hope? Why is there hope? Where is hope? When will i find hope? I don't know if i have all the answers to these questions but i believe we all look for a little hope now and then in our lives. For me, i truly believe that i need a lot of hope to carry me through a lot of my days. The hope that i will eventually see my kids. The hope that i will eventually be in my own place. the hope that my life will be filled with good things surrounding me. the hope that i will conquer my addiction. Lately i feel as though i have been a little hard on myself due to some minor setbacks that i would like to talk to you, my reader, about.
For the most part of the last couple of weeks i have managed to stay clean and sober, however there was a few times where i went out and used. Now i know your probably thinking i went and used crack cocaine but it was actually only marijuana. Yes i smoked some weed. I in some way actually feel that it is better that i smoked weed then actually going out and doing crack. although i still know that i should be staying away from all drugs and alcohol.
There is a point in every ones life where they need to make decisions, for me it should be an easy decision to just say NO to all forms of drugs. This is not easy for me and i am trying very hard to control my every urge to use. Its not been that bad lately, and i have not used in the last week. I am however still beating myself up over my past usage of weed and i really shouldn't be.
I hope that i can continue to write great blogs for all to read and sometimes i feel as though nobody really cares. I still continue to write because for me it is very therapeutic and it helps me to carry on with what i would say has been a very difficult life at times.
The latest of my thoughts has been on when my lawyer will actually get my children back in my life. I constantly think of my children and at times i think so much about them that it actually gives me bad headaches. Its not that its bad thinking about my children and wanting to be back in there lives, its just that i think that i am scared of the day in which i will actually meet them once again and the way they will handle the situation. I am probably worried for nothing, but i am truly scared and i almost just want to run away from the whole situation. I can only hope that i will continue to stay strong and continue to try and be the best version of me i can possibly be.
A quick question for all my fathers out there. How would you handle seeing your children after four years of being away from them? i am in need of support in this matter and i hope that with your help i can focus on what i will say and what i will do when my moment finally comes. the reason i ask this question now is because my lawyer goes to court in Red Deer on Monday the 19Th to see about getting my access put back in place and i am getting very antsy about this. I don't know if i can handle this and i need support now more then ever.
I am probably rambling on but it feels better to know that i do have people out there that actually care about me. It would be hard for me to imagine where my life would be without this blog. This blog has given me a purpose in life and a reason to get up each and every day. I am not saying my life is easy but it is getting better with time.
Being homeless has its up and down days. For example, on Canada day i wanted to go take part in the celebrations at Olympic Plaza but when i went over there i felt out of place. I looked around and all i could see were families together and this just made me depressed. The same thing happened when i wanted to go to the Stampede Parade. to me, it just doesn't feel the same without my children in my life.
It is my hope that you, my reader, has a fantastic time this year at the Calgary Stampede and that you have good health all summer long. I would like to mention that i still continue to pray for the return of my children in my life someday soon, and i also pray for you, my reader. I know that there are still some of you out there praying for me and i would ask that you continue to pray for me and my children. I can feel things changing in my life day by day and i hope that my blogs have changed a small part of you and the way that you think of the homeless.
I am going to say good bye for now and i hope you will continue to read all my blogs and if you can, find a friend or relative to become a follower on my blog.
Thanks for lending me your ear,
Hope is everywhere,
Tim Barber
I find plenty of hope with you, my reader.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
New Blog Soon
Hello to all my followers, I know that you have all been waiting for my next blog and I can assure you that it will be coming soon. I have been busy doing some volunteer work at the Salvation Army and I am currently working on a new blog that will be one of the best yet! So, please let all your friends and family know about this blog as I would still like to reach a total of 50 followers in the near future. I know that with your help, this will be a fairly easy task. I will be posting a blog within the next week. I look forward to your comments at that time.
Write at you soon,
Tim Barber
Homeless with Hope
Write at you soon,
Tim Barber
Homeless with Hope
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Passion And Purpose
Being an addict, I always have to be careful of my thoughts and feelings. every day can bring new obstacles and sometimes even something pleasant.
I'd like to share some of those thoughts and feelings with you, my reader.
I'd like to start with my feelings. Lately, actually for the past couple of weeks I've actually started to relax and enjoy every day life. My feelings have been, well, let's just say that I haven't been feeling angry, sad, frustrated or any kind of negative feelings for the better part of the previous two weeks. Ive been kind, caring compassionate and down right happy.I believe there is a good explanation for this.
First, I think the medication I'm taking is actually taking effect. The medication I am taking by the way is Celexa an anti-depressant.
The second reason for my change I would have to say is due to you, my reader. It seems as though I have actually gained some followers in the last couple of weeks and actually connected with some. I also think that you, my reader are praying for me and for my good health. So, for you who have been praying for me a big thank you goes out to you and I hope you will continue to keep me in your prayers.
One of the other reasons for my happiness is due to a reader of mine that I actually had the opportunity of meeting for coffee last week. This reader knows who they are, and I want to say thank you and your beautiful daughter for making not only my day but my weekend. I hope that you had a wonderful Fathers Day. By the way, that goes for all my fellow Daddy's out there.
Now, as for my thoughts. Up until a couple of weeks ago my thoughts were divided between many things and to give you an idea of some of these thoughts, I figured I would list them to give you a general idea.
Thoughts of using, of seeing my children, whether I will ever see them again, whether i will ever have my own place, where will I get my next meal from, where is my life going, will I die at an early age like my Mother and Sister, will I ever work again, will I ever be in another relationship, will I ever be married, etc... etc... etc...I think you get the point. However, lately my thoughts are more geared towards looking forward in life and trying to be the best version of me I possibly can. I am not worried about what direction my life is taking me and I just go with the flow. All this and still I am not using.
As a final thought i would like to mention that I am now volunteering at the Salvation Army in the kitchen. I am also continuing with my counselling and life is good.
I do hope you liked this newest blog and I look forward to all of your comments whether they are good or bad. Please feel free to comment as often as you like. Also, I would recommend that you go further back to the beginning of all these blogs and comment on some of the other authors. By the way, keep up with the prayers and God Bless!
Tim Barber
You, My Reader give me HOPE
I think we all need a little HOPE
KEEP ON READING!
I'd like to share some of those thoughts and feelings with you, my reader.
I'd like to start with my feelings. Lately, actually for the past couple of weeks I've actually started to relax and enjoy every day life. My feelings have been, well, let's just say that I haven't been feeling angry, sad, frustrated or any kind of negative feelings for the better part of the previous two weeks. Ive been kind, caring compassionate and down right happy.I believe there is a good explanation for this.
First, I think the medication I'm taking is actually taking effect. The medication I am taking by the way is Celexa an anti-depressant.
The second reason for my change I would have to say is due to you, my reader. It seems as though I have actually gained some followers in the last couple of weeks and actually connected with some. I also think that you, my reader are praying for me and for my good health. So, for you who have been praying for me a big thank you goes out to you and I hope you will continue to keep me in your prayers.
One of the other reasons for my happiness is due to a reader of mine that I actually had the opportunity of meeting for coffee last week. This reader knows who they are, and I want to say thank you and your beautiful daughter for making not only my day but my weekend. I hope that you had a wonderful Fathers Day. By the way, that goes for all my fellow Daddy's out there.
Now, as for my thoughts. Up until a couple of weeks ago my thoughts were divided between many things and to give you an idea of some of these thoughts, I figured I would list them to give you a general idea.
Thoughts of using, of seeing my children, whether I will ever see them again, whether i will ever have my own place, where will I get my next meal from, where is my life going, will I die at an early age like my Mother and Sister, will I ever work again, will I ever be in another relationship, will I ever be married, etc... etc... etc...I think you get the point. However, lately my thoughts are more geared towards looking forward in life and trying to be the best version of me I possibly can. I am not worried about what direction my life is taking me and I just go with the flow. All this and still I am not using.
As a final thought i would like to mention that I am now volunteering at the Salvation Army in the kitchen. I am also continuing with my counselling and life is good.
I do hope you liked this newest blog and I look forward to all of your comments whether they are good or bad. Please feel free to comment as often as you like. Also, I would recommend that you go further back to the beginning of all these blogs and comment on some of the other authors. By the way, keep up with the prayers and God Bless!
Tim Barber
You, My Reader give me HOPE
I think we all need a little HOPE
KEEP ON READING!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
From My Book
I thought that maybe for a change,, I am going to share a small potion of my book with you, my reader.... I hope you like what you read and please feel free to leave comments... My autobiography should be complete by the end of this year....I hope that you will reserve a personal copy for yourselves....ENJOY!!!!
It’s Monday morning and I'm listening to Air Supply on my new MP3 player. It’s actually very soothing, for I haven't heard them for many years, except now and then over the years on the radio. It really does bring back a lot of memories, both good and bad.
I just started another addiction program at the Salvation Army Center Of Hope in Calgary, Alberta and I'm only meters away from where I used to use quite frequently so so many times. You see, Crack Cocaine was my so called drug of choice. I've actually always hated the term drug of choice, because I honestly had a choice and it was always the wrong choice doing crack. I have actually now been clean from Crack for just over three months, and although it’s a great accomplishment, I still feel I have a long, long way to go.
My story is going to take you on a journey of my life growing up from childhood to adulthood, to the position I am currently in, and I must warn you that there will be a lot of very graphic situations and details surrounding my life. I do hope that all that read this book will find at least one useful piece of detail from this book and apply it or not to your own life. So before I begin, maybe I should introduce myself!
Hi, my name is Tim Barber and I am an addict. This is my real name, and I will not be giving you true names of other people that will be mentioned throughout this book, but all facts will be true and I absolutely will not embellish any part of this book as I feel the garbage that I put up through life is enough in itself to make someone puke. Well, maybe that’s getting a little carried away, but this you will have to decide for yourself. Now if you’re already thinking about putting this book down,,, DONT, just don't you fucking dare!! I have a lot of good stuff coming up. Sorry, but I think my story is worth telling and I truly believe that you will ultimately get something out of it.
I grew up in Toronto, actually Rexdale to be more precise. Then again, I moved around so much as a child, you could sort of say I grew up for the most part in Southern Ontario. You see, my Mother had five children by the time I was six or seven. Sorry, but sometimes dates are going to a little foggy at times, and you'll understand why as my story progresses. I was the oldest of would later be five other brothers and sisters. Their names from oldest to youngest were Robyn, Dougie, Garry, Jamie and Holly.
I thought I would mention quickly that there may be times throughout my story that I will talk about things that are going on at the present time. I wont know exactly when this will happen, as every day is different, however, I do have something to say about my day right now.
I just told my story of my life to about twenty other addicts in class today, and I am shaking all over, not to mention that Air Supply is bringing back a flood of memories and sadness. I should turn off this fucking crap, but I can’t because this hurt feels so good! Is that weird or what? I just want my old fucking life back, and in order to do that, I needed to start all over. God, how I miss my children. Yes, I am a father. I have a boy and a girl. Their names are Tyler and Destiny. To this point all names have been real. I haven't seen them or heard from them in about two and a half years to three years. They are forever in my mind though, and I am just finally making steps to get them back in my life. This however may take some time, and I look forward to the time I will be able to see them and love them once again.
Tim Barber,
HOPE for the HOMELESS
It’s Monday morning and I'm listening to Air Supply on my new MP3 player. It’s actually very soothing, for I haven't heard them for many years, except now and then over the years on the radio. It really does bring back a lot of memories, both good and bad.
I just started another addiction program at the Salvation Army Center Of Hope in Calgary, Alberta and I'm only meters away from where I used to use quite frequently so so many times. You see, Crack Cocaine was my so called drug of choice. I've actually always hated the term drug of choice, because I honestly had a choice and it was always the wrong choice doing crack. I have actually now been clean from Crack for just over three months, and although it’s a great accomplishment, I still feel I have a long, long way to go.
My story is going to take you on a journey of my life growing up from childhood to adulthood, to the position I am currently in, and I must warn you that there will be a lot of very graphic situations and details surrounding my life. I do hope that all that read this book will find at least one useful piece of detail from this book and apply it or not to your own life. So before I begin, maybe I should introduce myself!
Hi, my name is Tim Barber and I am an addict. This is my real name, and I will not be giving you true names of other people that will be mentioned throughout this book, but all facts will be true and I absolutely will not embellish any part of this book as I feel the garbage that I put up through life is enough in itself to make someone puke. Well, maybe that’s getting a little carried away, but this you will have to decide for yourself. Now if you’re already thinking about putting this book down,,, DONT, just don't you fucking dare!! I have a lot of good stuff coming up. Sorry, but I think my story is worth telling and I truly believe that you will ultimately get something out of it.
I grew up in Toronto, actually Rexdale to be more precise. Then again, I moved around so much as a child, you could sort of say I grew up for the most part in Southern Ontario. You see, my Mother had five children by the time I was six or seven. Sorry, but sometimes dates are going to a little foggy at times, and you'll understand why as my story progresses. I was the oldest of would later be five other brothers and sisters. Their names from oldest to youngest were Robyn, Dougie, Garry, Jamie and Holly.
I thought I would mention quickly that there may be times throughout my story that I will talk about things that are going on at the present time. I wont know exactly when this will happen, as every day is different, however, I do have something to say about my day right now.
I just told my story of my life to about twenty other addicts in class today, and I am shaking all over, not to mention that Air Supply is bringing back a flood of memories and sadness. I should turn off this fucking crap, but I can’t because this hurt feels so good! Is that weird or what? I just want my old fucking life back, and in order to do that, I needed to start all over. God, how I miss my children. Yes, I am a father. I have a boy and a girl. Their names are Tyler and Destiny. To this point all names have been real. I haven't seen them or heard from them in about two and a half years to three years. They are forever in my mind though, and I am just finally making steps to get them back in my life. This however may take some time, and I look forward to the time I will be able to see them and love them once again.
Tim Barber,
HOPE for the HOMELESS
Monday, June 7, 2010
UPDATE
I figured it was about time to write a new blog and fill all you readers in on what is currently happening in my life. I would first like to thank all those who have commented on some of my posts and encourage you to continue leaving comments. It is actually helping me very much with my recovery. My last post was asking for prayer, and I thank each and every one of you who have been praying for me to continue as I continue on my recovery journey. I actually have been staying clean every day I see a new comment on my blogs. I find it to be a big motivator for me to continue to stay clean and sober in hopes of a brighter future.
Even though I am still currently considered to be homeless, I am actually paying rent. I am currently in a paid room at the Center Of Hope at the Salvation Army. However, in my opinion I feel more independent and at least it is a step up. My next step is to take part in some counselling that I have lined up starting tomorrow. The second step is to try and get into my own place out of the downtown area.
I can tell you this though, it ain't easy being homeless. Some of you may think that its easy because we get a roof over our heads and three meals a day. However, in my position I now have to pay for all of my own meals. There is no more handouts, I have to go to some of the free food places to get a good meal. Of course, being a smoker doesn't help my matters much. Anyway, I don't mean to vent but I tend to get frustrated and bitter, I am just so sick and tired of being homeless and really do want to be in a place I can call my own.
I hope that all my readers can continue to read my blogs and I would like to encourage each and every one of you to find a friend or family member and invite them to become a follower, my goal is to try and have 50 followers by the end of June. I know that with your help I can achieve this simple goal. I will make a commitment to you to continue to write a blog, and the more followers I get the more blogs I will write.
Again, I want to thank each and every one of you and please continue to pray for me, I really appreciate what this forum has done for me.
Tim Barber
Homeless Still; Gaining HOPE With Every Day.
Even though I am still currently considered to be homeless, I am actually paying rent. I am currently in a paid room at the Center Of Hope at the Salvation Army. However, in my opinion I feel more independent and at least it is a step up. My next step is to take part in some counselling that I have lined up starting tomorrow. The second step is to try and get into my own place out of the downtown area.
I can tell you this though, it ain't easy being homeless. Some of you may think that its easy because we get a roof over our heads and three meals a day. However, in my position I now have to pay for all of my own meals. There is no more handouts, I have to go to some of the free food places to get a good meal. Of course, being a smoker doesn't help my matters much. Anyway, I don't mean to vent but I tend to get frustrated and bitter, I am just so sick and tired of being homeless and really do want to be in a place I can call my own.
I hope that all my readers can continue to read my blogs and I would like to encourage each and every one of you to find a friend or family member and invite them to become a follower, my goal is to try and have 50 followers by the end of June. I know that with your help I can achieve this simple goal. I will make a commitment to you to continue to write a blog, and the more followers I get the more blogs I will write.
Again, I want to thank each and every one of you and please continue to pray for me, I really appreciate what this forum has done for me.
Tim Barber
Homeless Still; Gaining HOPE With Every Day.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Prayer Please
I"m having some rough times these days. I am constantly thinking of my children and of finally being in a place of my own. It feels like I will never accomplish these things. I have been homeless now for 4 years and it seems as though I will be homeless forever and without my children for eternity. I am now trying to deal with another issue in my life that has been haunting me for over 14 years. My doctor has even put me on an anti-depressant. I hope that will help but I have my doubts. I have even tried praying to God to ask for guidance and find even this simple task to difficult. All I really ask is to be free of this homeless situation and to be able to talk to my children once again. Oh, how I miss them so! Are these impossible requests? You would think not! However, I still seem to be struggling in my life at the present time.
Today, I ask for my readers to help me with a simple request, PRAYER. If you could see it in your heart to say a little prayer for me the next time you are talking to God, it would be greatly appreciated. Just a simple prayer to help me through a trying time. I just feel so all alone and am struggling to find the courage to continue in my recovery. I thank you all for reading my blogs and hope that they will get better with time.
Thanks,
Tim Barber
Homeless but not without some HOPE
Today, I ask for my readers to help me with a simple request, PRAYER. If you could see it in your heart to say a little prayer for me the next time you are talking to God, it would be greatly appreciated. Just a simple prayer to help me through a trying time. I just feel so all alone and am struggling to find the courage to continue in my recovery. I thank you all for reading my blogs and hope that they will get better with time.
Thanks,
Tim Barber
Homeless but not without some HOPE
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