Christmas Blues Once Again

Really , i don't know where to start. I sit here at a table at the Drop Inn center looking at about 150 or so others that are I presume homeless, just like me.

Here, as I sit, I wonder what ails each and every one of them. For me, there no question. My children!

Yes, I miss my children and it feels sometimes like I will never see them ever again.

When early December arrives, I tend to get very depressed and I cant seem to focus on anything in my life. Today is no different.

Of course, being homeless doesn't help my situation much at all.

October 23rd I became homeless once again and part of me is actually OK with this. What I mean to say is. Nobody controls me anymore. When I was in the Keys To Recovery Program, it seemed like i was being controlled. I was actually always thinking about my childhood, when the Government had full control over my life. I never liked it then and I surer the hell don't like it as an adult. I don't like being told what I can and cant do in my life. My life is my life!

Being homeless I actually control what will happen next in my life. It is actually a lot less stressful. At least less stressful then having to answer to the Keys program.

I have not lost complete hope, i will see my children again in the near future and I am presently working on a solution to my dilemma.

A few days have gone by...Now I am on a mat at the Mustard Seed Foothills Shelter. It actually blows me away to see so many familiar faces that were here last time I stayed here. I wonder why it is, why oh why are they still here?

However, I need to stop wondering about others and start working on straightening my own life out.

As I said earlier, this is a very tough time of year for me and it seems to get harder every year that goes by, especially not seeing my children in so very long. Some time I actually wonder if the world would be a whole lot better without me. Then I think about all the good I think I could do, if only i would get my life in order. There really is no easy solution. If there was, I would have already tried.

The biggest change in my life is coming up. I actually have a really great business idea in mind and want to start it first thing in the new year. January 2nd to be precise. If all goes well, I will not only be able to get a place of my own but a vehicle as well within a couple of months.

You see, on August 29th, my family lawyer informed me that the judge wants me to re-apply for access to my children in six months. At that time I must have a place, a job and a vehicle in which to travel back and forth to Red Deer with. Red Deer is where my children live. If you don't know already, their names are Destiny and Tyler.. I actually understand that the judge just wants to make sure that I can make it from Calgary to red Deer in order to have visits and I'm OK with that.


It will be very difficult to accomplish this in the next few months but dammit, I am determined. I want to see my children. I have plenty of motivation and I know I am capable.

I really don't know what else to share at this time. I will tell you all that I am not using and I am focusing on trying to get things together for my business idea. I would love to tell you more but I will save that for another blog.

I would like to wish you all a happy holiday and a great New Year. Please keep me in your prayers. If anything i would want for Christmas it would be the support that I have so often got from you, my reader. Please continue to be that support, because it really does help. Remember that comments are always encouraged and I look forward to more from this blog.

Thanks for letting me share!
Will post again soon.
Your writer,
Tim Barber

Well....

So here I go again...

What I mean to say is...As of October 23rd I will be homeless once again, but I will get into that very soon. First I should let you all know what happened with the court date that was just over a month ago.

The bottom line is.. I must wait another fucking six months before I can attempt once again to try and get in contact with my children... NO! I'm not pissed about this...I am very angry... I am now supposed to make sure that I am working full time, I must have a place and I must have a vehicle in which to drive back and forth to Red Deer in.

The fact is, I feel like I can no longer deal with this fight and I am very close to giving up entirely. However, I beleive I still have some fight left in me. Lets get back to this in a moment, shall we.

As I said earlier, I am about to become homeless again and I really am not to concerned about this for some reason. I actually feel it will releive some of the stress that I am under right now. The thing is, I have been in this program called Keys To Recovery since the beginning of April and everything was going fine until one day this organization decided to walk in my apartment without proper notice while I was sleeping. This is against the law.Plain and simple. They had no right. Ever since, I have felt very uncomfortable and always wondering if they would ever do it again, I dont know. That is besides the point. There are other things that I did not agree with that has now put me in my position but I beleive they were looking for any excuse to get rid of me and it came in the form of me being 76$ behindin rent and they left me a notice of eviction. I do not really want to get into detail about this but will tell you that I plan on leaving peacefully and I am taking this to a lawyer because they ARE ALSO ACCUSING ME OF PERFORMING ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES IN MY APARTMENT WHICH IS A BUNCH OF CRAP. i WILL ADMIT THAT THEY DID A DRUG TEST AND FOUND POT IN MY SYSTEM, BUT IT WAS A JOINT THAT i SMOKED DOWNTOWN AND NOT IN MY APARTMENT. aNYWAY, i AM GETTING REAALY UPSET WRITING ABOUT THIS AND WOULD RATHER TALK OF OTHER THINGS.


Obviosly i was getting mad because everything became big letters and I really dont want to go back and re type everything.. Sort of funny..To me anyway...lol...

To get back to my children. I do love and miss them very much and I hope that I will find some way of overcoming some of my fears and doubts and just get ready to fight this. I truly believe that it is a fight that will be worth it in the end.

I dont have a lot else to say... I will say this...Thanks to those with such encouraging words.. You all know who you are and it is because of you that I will continue to fight.

Almost Homeless Again
Your Writer
Tim Barber

Scared

Hello all.

I know that you all have been waiting patiently for me to write another blog, so here it goes.

For the past month i have been trying to find work and also i have been spending a lot of time to myself. The biggest reason for spending time on my own is because it could become a reality that i will finally see my children and i needed time to figure out what i really need to do in my life in order to be a father , not just a father but a really good father to my children once i get that opportunity again. I just don't want to fuck it up like last time because i don't think that i could handle my life anymore if i were to lose them again.

In truth, i am a very scared individual right now and for the past month i have been debating on whether or not to bother in their life and to maybe just let them be. I know that right now, today i still don't feel like i have it in me to cope with things to come. I can tell you this though, i am not going to give up my fight to try and re acquaint myself with them. I need them in my life like a person needs air. They were my everything when i had them and i just travelled down a path of evil that i did not want them to be a part of. It may be that it took a long time to finally realize that but i at least am now trying and try i have.

I am well on my way to beating this addiction i have. I realize that if i go down that road of addiction again that i would no doubt lose the chance of being a father ever again. It sounds weird to me when i even think that because the fact is i am a father and i need to keep reminding myself of that.

I am so scared right now that i can hardly focus on anything but my children. I find myself listening to talented kids that sing and find myself weeping all alone in my place. I almost feel like i don't deserve anything good in life and really need to stop being so hard on myself. I find myself in tears so often these days over such weird things. I will be watching TV and something i see will just bring me to tears in such a spur of a moment. I am so sensitive and i have been like this all my life.

I think that my sensitivity has been a big downfall in my life. I don't think woman want a sensitive man but a real man but really what is a real man. I am confused. I have not been with anyone in some time and i think i am more scared of someone actually loving me for that sensitive guy i am and tend to become a loner. Maybe i am rambling but it always makes me feel better to write because a part of me just wants to Be a better person.

On August 29Th my lawyer goes to court in regards to me getting access to my children and my lawyer thinks she will have good news for me on Tuesday. I am scared. I really don't know if i am ready, it could be just a matter of a couple of weeks before i see them and i still don't know what to say or what to do.
I need help and i need advise and i would hope that you, my reader, would inspire me once again so that i can be positive in my future with my children.

I don't know what else to say, i do look forward to encouraging comments.

Thank You,
Tim Barber

Small Blog

I am doing well and just wanted to let my readers know that I will be posting another blog soon. I just got my Internet set up and I look forward to writing another good blog for you all.

I am actually waiting for word from my lawyer in regards to my children, and this news should be coming by the end of next week.

By the way, if anyone knows of anyone needing some labor work done, please contact me at tjwbarber@hotmail.com

I am now trying to find work as my medical social service plan has run out. So if you need some general help with anything or know someone who is looking for a good employee, please email me.

I am going to say good bye for now but i will be writing again within a couple of weeks,,, I promise...

Still here!
Tim Barber
Your Writer

Walk with me!

It has been some time now since I have posted a new blog and I would like to apologize for that. There is a part of me that actually feels like I have hardly any followers these days and it actually depresses me. This is something that I think I need to work harder at. That is, I need to start giving you what you want and I do believe it is to post more blogs more often. I would also like tom give you, my reader, the opportunity to tell me what it is you would like to know.

What I would like to know is, what do you want me to write about. Would you like to hear about a certain shelter, more about my life, where to go for resources and basically anything you think I might be able to tell you about. If it is something I cannot answer, I will be honest and tell you I cant answer. However, I would still like to get your comments and ideas on how I can make this a better blog. That it what I would like and I hope that you would like the same.

As for how I have been doing this past few weeks,well, I have had my ups and downs. For the most part I am doing pretty damn good. At least I am staying clean and sober. This I would say is the most important thing. Actually this is not entirely true and I cannot lie to you, my reader. There was a couple of weekends where I drank a six pack of beer. The only reason I am telling you this is because if I lie to you, It will not be the better person I am trying to become. Besides, honesty is a part of being that better person I strive to be. In one way it scares me to tell you I drank because I am afraid that you will think that I am losing my way. I am not losing my way by any means and I am still devoted to getting my life turned around and to getting my children back in my life in the near future.

Enough about that, if you want to write a comment about this, please, I would be happy to see any comments that you, my reader, have to say to me. So please, start writing comments.

Also, about 10 days ago I was assaulted by three teens between the ages of 17-20 and they actually beat me up pretty good. I am doing better now and I am more upset that they made me miss three days of walking with the homeless. The actual assault was a random attack and it may seem strange but I now feel safer feeding the homeless then I do walking in my own area since the assault. It is too bad that I didn't get a good look at my attackers but I am thankful for the witnesses that prevented any further beating upon me. To my witnesses, I thank you. I will not go into any further details about this as it is done and I am now healing. Enough said.

I got a chance tonight to go out and walk with the homeless and I am so glad I did because it really did bring my spirits back up and I am so glad to be a part of Kim's team. All of her volunteers do such a wonderful job and it makes me proud to be a part of the team.

Last night we had a chance to go to Alpha House and meet some incredible people. Alpha House has such compassion for these people and I love the staff members there so very much and cant say enough about the job they are doing for the community. To always see them smiling and trying to help those that have been drinking or using is such a treat for me to see the compassion they give to all. It is with great pleasure that we give to Alpha House and look forward to going there on Tuesday nights.

Last night there was a concert going on, Rhianna was at the Saddedome and there was tons of fans walking by us to get to the concert and probably wondering what it was we were doing. I actually started saying that the concert was canceled and they would actually be seeing Justin Beiber instead. This got more of laugh out of our wonderful volunteers then it did for the actual fans going to see Rhianna. Don't get me wrong, but I was just trying to be sociable. Besides I actually like Rhianna, not so much the Bieber. Lol...

All I can say is, it was nice to be back feeding the homeless and to see there smiling faces. I even had a woman come up and hug me and thank me for what we do. This thank you really should be going to Kim for starting her wonderful little walk, and as I said, I am so glad to be a part of it. Thank you Kim.

In other news, they are now down to 8 people at the Booth Center.. This place will be missed by many that have stayed here and felt more comfortable here then at other shelters. It was a safe place and I personally hate to see it go and hope that people find safe housing to go to.

Also, for those who have been following my battle with trying to get my children back in my life... Good News... I am only about a month or two away from a visit with them.. I must tell you that I am very nervous about the whole thing and I am trying hard to not think so much about it as it drives me crazy constantly thinking about them. I will keep you updated as my progress unfolds. I can tell you this much, the court date is now set for June 29th and I should no within a couple of days after that when my first visit will be. So please, pray for me and my children on a happy reunion. My lawyer says that I will be getting a visit lined up at the Woman's Center in Red Deer shortly after the court date. My fingers are crossed...xxx-xxx

There is not really much more that I have to say to you, but I do hope that you will use this time now to write comments and let me know what it is you would like to know about. Like I said, if I cant answer it, I will tell you.
Be safe, and please, as Kim would say Pay It Forward....

Side note: Congratulations Boston Bruins on winning the Stanley Cup.
: Shame on you who vandalized the city of Vancouver!
: We should all be proud of the terrific season they Had.. Way to Go
Vancouver Canucks.. You make me proud!
Thank You
Happy days and Happy nights
Your writer,
Tim Barber

Enjoying Life As It Is

Here I am, sitting in my place on the May long weekend enjoying some quite time to myself. I am so thankful to no longer be homeless. Yet, I am still reminded of how quickly things could turn if I do not watch my life's direction. What I mean to say is, like a lot of Calgarians, I am but just one paycheck away from the streets. Or, just one slip away from the shelter system once again.

Whenever I help Kim with Walking With The Homeless, I am reminded of the many people I knew who are still struggling to make it into their very own place. I can tell you that this is not an easy task.

I personally spent just over 4 years on our very streets. I am very aware of how easy it was to get caught up in the system. Basically, once you are into the shelter system, you become used to getting all your meals and other little things for free. Do you realize that there are so many places in which you can find a place to eat or get clothing or even toiletries such as free toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, soaps and shampoos...etc...

It made it easy for the person I used to be to continue with my ways. The truth is, I was an addict, actually I still am, I just know how to control my life today. This is something that took a lot of work and I actually have to work really hard to continue my clean ways. However, this was not easy in the beginning. In my opinion, there are a lot of homeless that have underlying issues that seem to get in the way of bettering their life. I know because I come from a background that may not of have been all that pleasant. It was the fact that I started to deal with these past issues, that I was able to gain some self confidence as well as some self esteem to get me to where I am today. There are still a lot of things in my life that I would like to improve on and I will continue to work as hard as I can just to get more happiness in my life. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, but not completely.

When I was in my using ways, living in the shelter system was an easy way for me to go out and make money whether it was under the table or working for a temp company; I could go out and spend all my money on drugs and alcohol and then go back to the shelter and still have a place to stay and a meal provided. This could happen almost every day and no one in the shelter system really cared because as long as you stayed there , they received their money. So the shelter basically got richer along with the drug dealers and liquor stores. In other words, the government stands to make the most, and I sure that if they could tax illegal drugs, they would make that much more. This is just my opinion.

During my stay in the Calgary shelter system, I learned quickly where to go to get certain needs and wants met. Now that I am living in my own place, I am learning to find new resources in order to get these needs met. It all comes down to how bad I want to remain in my own place, and trust me when I tell you that this means more to me then being on the street once again. I now want to look forward to a future of being able to do as I please and making sure that the choices I make in life are good choices. I used to make choices in life that were not very good and I stayed longer then I really should have in the homeless world. I am very determined not to make them same mistaken choices.

Now , as I sit here in my place, I start to feel more confident in myself. I am gaining great progress in my life and hopefully very soon I will be able to see my children. This is something that has been a long time coming. Things are really starting to shape up in my life and I cant wait to be a father once again. Wait! I am a father, I just haven't been able to do father things for over 5 years. I really think I am going to enjoy being in my children s lives. I myself am just a big kid at heart.

As for what is going on recently, well I have now finished my program at CTI which allowed me to get certification for several tickets including Forklift and First Aid. Watch out ladies, Timbits knows CPR, ,,lol...That is a joke. I am now presently trying to find work ,and I really don't want to jump at the first job I see, I want to make good choices. For example, I could go up north and work but that would be stupid on my part, especially knowing that there are a lot of people that drink and use drugs up north, not all but there are a few. So, for me I would like to find something in town so I can stay around my support network.

There is not much else I want to say today except that life is good and I want you, my reader to keep up with the great comments and support. I really appreciate the love and kindness you have shown me and hope you will continue to show such kindness, not just to me but o others that are suffering more then I

Thank You All.
Without you, I would be lost!



Tim Barber

Babbling About My Life

Its so good to be me. I am really enjoying my new life. It is very quite at times and sometimes I wonder how I got here. I believe it is due to you, my reader, that I have found faith in myself. I am doing very well.

I actually now have a nice looking apartment, thanks to donation of furniture from the DI.
Its amazing to think that there are so many shelters that help the homeless and now they are cutting back funding because they think the problem is going away. I don’t think this is a wise move considering that there are still many homeless that may have recently got out of a homeless situation but could very well still be just one paycheque away from being homeless once again. I am not saying that it will happen, but it is a real possibility. I think that by cutting funding it could cause problems in other shelters where some people really do not wish to be and are now being forced out of their comfort zone to a new shelter. Mark my words, you will start to see problems come the end of 2011 with the shelters.

I would like to say that I am going to see my kids soon but I would be lying. I actually now have to jump through hoops because their mother is making me look like a monster towards the courts. I, however will not let this bring me down and I will continue to fight for my right to see my children.

Basically now I need to prove that some of the things she is lying about are not truth and I need to provide proof that I am doing well in life. The one thing that really pisses me off is the fact that she noted in her affidavit that apparently the children are very scared of me. I don’t know what it is that she has been telling them, but I know that I never ever hurt my children and they were very happy being with dad, the last time I saw them. It really upsets me that she would run me down, when I have never said anything bad about her. It almost makes me wonder what I ever saw in her. The truth is, I still wont talk bad about her and I love her, for she gave me 2 wonderful gifts in life. Their names are Tyler and Destiny.

Enough with that for now, I will do what it takes and I will have them back in my life someday, just a little longer then I wanted. Not to worry, I have hope and faith in myself.

I would like to mention that I am attending the CTI program at the DI for another 2 weeks, I actually started on May 2nd and am doing very well. I have now passed 4 different courses and am well on my way to graduating at the top of the class.

I will not ramble on any more, but I did want to mention that I really enjoy helping Kim with Walking With the Homeless and actually look forward to the days we go down and give back to the people , where I once was. I find it is the best way to keep me to going back to drugs. I no longer use crack cocaine nor smoke weed or any other type of drug, and for that I am Grateful

Thanks for letting me ramble, until next time, be kind to a homeless man or woman today, they too are people.

Thanks,
Tim Barber