Hello all, it has been some time now since I put a blog on and this is because I have been somewhat confused on where my life is going. I almost feel trapped in another persons body doing things that I don't really want to do. Its hard to explain because I cant really understand my own mind at this point of my life. I wish I could explain in further detail and I hope that you will understand that I have a lot issues I am trying to deal with and I feel all alone in this battle within myself. I want to reach out and ask for help but I am scared, very scared.
Since I was a child I always seemed to run away from all of my problems whether they were small or large problems. One of the biggest things I ran from was the sexual abuse that happened when I was a young child. This is something I continue to battle with throughout my life and continue to dwell on to this day. I never have found closure on this matter. I am hoping that one day I will be able to find the courage to seek out the proper counselling in regards to this matter. It actually makes me sick to my stomach thinking that these people that violated me may still be out there abusing other children.
There is sometimes the thought of actually hunting down any child molester and doing things to them to make them all pay for this abuse. Except it doesn't make any sense to me why I should even bother when my whole life is in a rut right now. Maybe I am rambling on, but I have a lot of pain still inside me and I don't know how to rid myself of these memories and shame. I feel all alone.
It is also very difficult because I haven't seen my children in too damn long and eve though things seem to be moving forward I don't know if I would be a good father when I have all these other issues to deal with. I am almost to the point of giving up on seeing them and just let them live out there life with just there mother. As much as I believe that I could put other matters behind me, I can never rid myself of the damage of addiction, I will always be an addict whether I stay clean or not.
The truth is I haven't been doing great in the staying clean part and its not like I am using all the time but when my thoughts become to much for me to handle, I turn to the one thing I always thought would help. Drugs or alcohol. It only happens when my head starts pounding after thinking about my past behaviors and I am slowly trying to put a handle on this situation. Once again, I feel like I am all alone and I don't know where or who to ask for help.
All I want is to be happy once again and I haven't felt real happiness in about four years. Actually the last time I felt real happiness was when I was with my children. I lost that happiness the day I handed my children over to the Children's Aid Society. I really really want my happiness back. Oh how I do love and miss my children and wish I could see them once again. I really don't know if this will happen. Only God knows and I hope that each and every one of you reading my blog today will turn to your loved one and give them a big hug and kiss and tell them you love them.
That's all for today, I need some time to myself.
May you never be alone!
Hope is dying.
Tim Barber
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Hi Tim, Thanks for reaching out. I want to congradulate you on every day that you do manage to stay sober (or every minute for that matter). I know that you aren't always able to do that - but it is amazing that you are able to some of the time. Life is really hard and I know for me, that when I am lonely and haven't been happy in a while, I resort to whatever coping mechanism I can to get through. I'm really inspired by your honesty and willingness to reflect on your life and your decisions and your hopes for the future. May you not feel so alone today.
ReplyDeleteHi Tim, was really nice to meet you last night & am looking forward to seeing you again. Thank you for your wonderful honesty & your willingness to keep plugging along. My wish for you today is a spark of hope & love to help you along. Keep up the good work. I will be posting your link in my facebook.
ReplyDeleteBecci
Tim, You are not alone. Many of us feel the same way. There are issues in everyones lives that they can't forget, that have scarred them. Go seek the help you need. By doing what you are doing, you are standing still..if you want to move forward you have to take the first step. What is the first step? Get help..Reach out for the love that is available, forget the abuse..I know it's weird to think of it this way, but it wasn't meant to hurt you personally, though we know it did, it was meant to act out some sick persons fantasies..and if they are still doing it..it is not your problem. You are the victim. You did nothing wrong. The sense of guilt you carry around is a false guilt..everyone who has been abused has this sense of guilt and it hurts bad. Someone, someone has to take the first step to healing. Think of your children..you know, you can be a good Father..you just have to start taking steps to change your life. Don't let hte past rule your future..there is no good energy there.
ReplyDeleteSee above..two messages of love and warmth..there are lots of people who care..go call the number and bathe in the love.
dude your life seems way better them mine, try living 44 years completely alone, and there is not one single person in this world that gives a f about you and no matter how hard you try to make friends, it always ends up in you getting used, and the more you try to stick up for yourself the more alone you become.
ReplyDeleteIn other words, NO ONE CARES.
I am sitting at truckstop eating the only thing I have to eat which is pretzel sticks I bought and am almost at empty on gas and the only thing I can do is hope to die cause I wish not to go to hell for committing suicide.
You have no clue what it is to be truly alone, until you walk one min in my shoes.
They all say, we make our own path in this world, but I can testify that even if I had 17254 Billion dollars I still would be all alone.
I am all alone.
The only ppl I know are worse off then me are kids being abused and animals being abused.
Those are the only ppl that are way worse off then I will ever be.
But I am as alone as anyone else in this world can ever be.
You have no clue.
BTW the only reason I posted here is because I did a search on this subject hoping for answers.
Sorry if I offend you, the truth is the truth.
You know what my problem is?
It appears I am here on this earth to make ppl happy cause it makes me happy.
You know why it sucks?
I am never happy, and am the blame for everything by whoever I ever meet.
Which means I dont fit in this f'd up world.
There is not a soul on this earth that knows what total aloneness means, unless they walk in my shoes.(kids/aniamls do not apply)
Thats a fact
email me at Gypsyr0ads@live.com if you have anything to say.
I would love to hear your comments.
Let me guess, you'll offer to be my friend and then as soon as you see the chance, you'll demand I owe you my life cause you woke up in a crappy mood.