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As I sit here in my glass house with all the fakeness and pain that I am enduring, as I sit and wonder, will you drink today, will you question me, will you call me a whore, will you lash your fist in anger , is it my illness the drink, Yes, you made it mine. I become so intense with your anger and pain, but today as I wake in my lonely bed, I feel safe, but as I turn the corner outside my room and see you with the day after looking glassy eyed and fucked up, I wonder how long the shit will start, the pain will lash out soon, I want to run but my feet won’t let me. I am buried in your pain and anger, I tingle from head to toe feeling your pain, I try as I might to keep you out, but you creep back in, your promise of no more drink, but the drink takes over and your pain turns to anger and the fist will shake and the pain will unlock your nightmares that become my own, as I sit here and wonder…
The day after you are full of tears and regret, but I know it will be short lived, but I want to believe you, I want to sit in that sunshine with you and feel the sun on our bodies and no more pain, the promises you gave to me are all but dreams, as I sit here and wonder and you in another place with your drink in hand, I wait for your pain to become mine.
As I sit here and wonder, I am scared, I am lonely, the pain becomes so great, because the drinking becomes more, the anger becomes worse and the threats seem strange to me because I don’t give a damn of your pain, I want it gone, I want you gone I want to breathe good air and good times. I want to bask in the sunshine with no anger or guilt that you will throw. Oh I am done with your guilt and your lies of yesterday, your anger is yours, not mine, but I sit here and tremble of what may happen today. You won’t leave, but you won’t share, the only thing you share is the painful bruises and hurts that you have inflicted upon me.
As I sit here in the middle of the day and wait for you to arrive, you walk in drunk and full of hate for your pain and bitterness, you look different, you feel slimy, the pain is starting,,, you say, I am sorry in a slurred voice, you say, I don’t want to frighten you little girl, but your rage is still there, are you tricking me, I wait and sit, not moving a muscle in fear that you will see that as me being sarcastic, I nod and agree with everything you say because you want me to believe those awful things you have said, Whore, wicked, evil, you tell me I have addictions, I do, it is you, but I want you to go so my additions will heal.
As I sit here and wonder……

This was written by a woman that has finally said, Goodbye to that life. She wanted me to share this with the group…

Anonymous

Posted by Tim Barber on this brave woman's behalf with permission from a very dear support in my life, Kim Gagnon

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