Interesting, however! I have no fucking idea of what’s so interesting. I need help!
I am sorry, but not really, my life is really fucked right at this very moment!
Here I am sitting at the front door of Emmanuel Church, at the bus stop and I don’t know what to do next. I look around , traffic is flowing quite nicely, there’s not a lot of people walking around, it could be exactly what I needed. We’ll see!
You no what, I think I’ll go for a walk.
I went for a walk and bought a cup of coffee. Actually I found a Starbucks Card with $5.75 US , so this is actually the second cup of coffee off of the card, Lucky Me! lol Not Funny!
Time for the interesting part. I told you I would blow your mind so I will give you the quick version , then we will get into the events which happened.
Received $1104 dollars on Tuesday morning, it is now Wednesday Afternoon. You see where I’m going with this. Hold on, your in for a Hell of a ride.
I take another walk, this time I find a half joint of marijuana so I went to go sit under the bridge. The location does not matter. I used the crack pipe I had to smoke the joint. What a rush! So here I am several hours later,
By the way , I am at Alpha House. I’m not amused.
I don’t exactly hate myself but I feel pretty shitty.
I have heard it said that you learn from a relapse. How many times do I have to learn before I graduate. What I’m trying to say is, your always learning something or other in life. However , I’m still learning.
Alpha House is just one example of learning. Problem is, I must have forgot, or just played stupid.
Alpha House:
1 A lot of drunks.
2 Crabby staff-not all ( sorry, but you should record your day and watch it later and you would understand what I say.)
3 Very hard to get food.
4 They actually make the D.I. look good (I cant stand the D.I.)
Anyway, here I am again, At this moment I am waiting for them to put out some snacks. I haven’t eaten since Tuesday morning when I had a bowl of Rice Krispies. Its now 4 PM, I need something in my belly. I also haven’t slept since then either. I end up getting a bite to eat and passed out.
So I will now try to fill you in on the rest of the details. It all started when I received my T4 from Coremark. I decided to take it in to HR block, figuring to get back maybe $300. As I have already pointed out, I got back $1104 dollars. I can say quite truthfully that my thoughts were not on using when I went there but by the time I left, I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.
The first thing I did when I received my cash card was head straight across the road for a beer. After finishing my beer, I took the bus to the Casino where I took out the 1100 dollars. I never did play any of the slots. I actually proceeded to call a dealer and away I was in a cab. 15 minutes later I arrive and buy my first big chunk of crack. This cost me 240 dollars but would last me the next couple of hours. I went to the living room, and preceded to do my first hoot in about a couple of months.
That first hoot does its trick but I don’t stop at just one. NO! As soon as I finish that hoot I decide to send one of the houseguests to buy me a 15 pack of beer and 2 packs of smokes. By the time they get back with the beer I have already had a few more hoots. I only end up having 3 beer out of that first case and of course even more hoots. The only thing the hoots were doing by this point was making me more paranoid and very sketchy. I actually even asked the guy living at the place I was at if he knew a woman I could get together with, which he did. She showed up about a couple hours later. However, the only thing we wound up doing was getting more stoned and drinking a few more beer. not much beer though and absolutely no sex. By 10 AM the next morning I was broke except for 8 dollars in change which I would spend fairly quickly.
So I leave, all fucked up and still somewhat paranoid. Which actually brings me back to the beginning of this story.
It is now my second night at Alpha House. I actually went out for a few hours to get some cigarette butts and some fresh air. It seems weird putting that in one sentence, but that’s what I did.
I have not taken my meds in 3 days and I am starting to get a little shaky and grumpy, and I have very little energy. I hope to take my meds soon as I am still waiting for them to be dropped off.
The staff here seem a little less crabbier then from the day before. I also have my name on the detox list for the second day in a row. I am hoping that I can get in, as I said, I need help.
I should quickly mention that there was an article in the Sun on Thursday talking about crack and crime. The article stated that 8 or 9 out of 10 crack heads will resort to crime to fuel their addiction. I can tell you that I am not one of those people. Even though I agree with what was said in the article , I don’t want people to think that I fit in the category of those 8 or 9 people. Just because I use crack, don’t think for a second that I use crime to fuel my shitty addiction. I do not and will not ever steal to get drugs and if I ever do, please just shoot me!
I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen over the next few days but I do hope that I can find the help I so desperately need . I really don’t know what else to say now except to say that I am still learning and a lot further away from graduating.
In closing, I would like to thank the Alpha House staff for all of their help. I’m starting to understand what they go through on a daily basis. I don’t think it is so wise to work a 12 hour shift when your dealing with drunks and druggies. It seems to me that when you are getting closer to the end of your shifts, you tend to lose patience with your clients more frequently, not all staff. I would recommend shorter shifts. This is just my opinion. I will say this, keep up the good work. At least you have been patient with me.
This brings me to Friday morning and I have finally taken my medication and I feel somewhat better. I did not get into detox again today but I do have my name on the list again to try Saturday morning.
In closing, I ask that you, my reader, to please be patient with me while I try to figure things out in my life. Please keep me in your thoughts and in your prayers. I need your support more then ever and I hope that you will still provide that.
Still Living Homeless
Your Writer,
Tim Barber
P.S The only good thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s no place to go but up.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
I Really Need A Laptop
Hello all, if by chance you have an old laptop kicking around your home, I sure could use it. I do not care if it is beat up and old, or even if it is internet worthy, so long as it has a USB port and i can put my memory stick in it, it will work for me to continue with my book. I actually have some more stuff on paper that I have been writing for the last couple of months and would really like to get it on memory stick. I would surely appreciate this, if you have one to donate to me. In return I would be happy to do some general labor work at your home or business.
I am doing very well and I want to continue to do well and this would help a great deal. A special thanks go's out to all that support me in my journey. Hopefully I will have my own place by the end of this month , a place I can call home. Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and in your prayers. All the best to all, and to all a very pleasant weekend.
I am doing very well and I want to continue to do well and this would help a great deal. A special thanks go's out to all that support me in my journey. Hopefully I will have my own place by the end of this month , a place I can call home. Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and in your prayers. All the best to all, and to all a very pleasant weekend.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Just Babbling
Its always been a plan of mine to try and get back in touch with my children, and It seems as though it is taking forever. It is absolutely frustrating not knowing what is going on in their life. I really want to be able to share some of their childhood with them, I want to be their when they have their first crushes, be there for a birthday a Christmas, be there for whatever they would need a dad to be there for.
Its been 5 years and yet i feel like i have lost the only thing in life that means anything to me. Actually i have lost the 2 things in life that i want back so badly that i hurt each and every day.
I remember when i was younger, i made myself some promises that i thought that i would always stick to. One of these promises was to always stay with my children should i ever become a dad. The reason i made this promise to myself was because i never had a father while growing up and even to this day i wonder what my father was like. Was he a lost soul like me?
Even though i try to stay positive, it seems to get harder and harder every day that passes me by without Tyler and Destiny. My son Tyler will be turning 9 in May and my daughter Destiny will turn 10 in June.
On to other things, i am now staying at the Mustard Seed Foothills shelter and trying to figure out where my life is going from here. I am actually looking for housing in a room of any sort, so long as it is a safe place where people don't use drugs and alcohol. I actually have to go talk to someone today in regards to a place.
I hope that in the months upcoming i will be able to find some peace in my life. It is an awful lonely feeling being homeless and i really want to change these circumstances so that i can lead a more rewarding life. I even have a hard time continuing my book because when your in a shelter there is always people around and i am not into people looking at what i am writing. Its my own damn business and i want it to stay that way until i am ready to release it to all to read.
I want to quickly thank all those who continue to read my blogs and encourage you to continue to read them as i will be putting more on in the near future. By the way, i am still continuing to struggle with my addiction but i am doing a lot better then i have and i am finding the support that is helping me cope with my urges. i am also trying to get a new network of friends who do not drink or use drugs, this is actually a very hard challenge.
I don't want to bore you all any longer then i have to, but i do hope you will leave words of encouragement as i can tell you that it really helps me tremendously. Thanks again for all your support and enjoy your day.
Tim Barber
Not Alone
Its been 5 years and yet i feel like i have lost the only thing in life that means anything to me. Actually i have lost the 2 things in life that i want back so badly that i hurt each and every day.
I remember when i was younger, i made myself some promises that i thought that i would always stick to. One of these promises was to always stay with my children should i ever become a dad. The reason i made this promise to myself was because i never had a father while growing up and even to this day i wonder what my father was like. Was he a lost soul like me?
Even though i try to stay positive, it seems to get harder and harder every day that passes me by without Tyler and Destiny. My son Tyler will be turning 9 in May and my daughter Destiny will turn 10 in June.
On to other things, i am now staying at the Mustard Seed Foothills shelter and trying to figure out where my life is going from here. I am actually looking for housing in a room of any sort, so long as it is a safe place where people don't use drugs and alcohol. I actually have to go talk to someone today in regards to a place.
I hope that in the months upcoming i will be able to find some peace in my life. It is an awful lonely feeling being homeless and i really want to change these circumstances so that i can lead a more rewarding life. I even have a hard time continuing my book because when your in a shelter there is always people around and i am not into people looking at what i am writing. Its my own damn business and i want it to stay that way until i am ready to release it to all to read.
I want to quickly thank all those who continue to read my blogs and encourage you to continue to read them as i will be putting more on in the near future. By the way, i am still continuing to struggle with my addiction but i am doing a lot better then i have and i am finding the support that is helping me cope with my urges. i am also trying to get a new network of friends who do not drink or use drugs, this is actually a very hard challenge.
I don't want to bore you all any longer then i have to, but i do hope you will leave words of encouragement as i can tell you that it really helps me tremendously. Thanks again for all your support and enjoy your day.
Tim Barber
Not Alone
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Another Clean Day
Hello to all my readers,, I am somewhat surprised to see only one comment on my last blog. I surely hope that I still have followers that are following my blog. I have just recently become a member of facebook and now post all my blogs to their as well as here.
I am doing very well lately and am trying my very best to stay away from drugs and alcohol…. This is going good… I have not used in some time and want to continue my clean ways.
I thank all those who have been a very big support to me and hope you will continue to be support in my battle of life.
I talked with my lawyer recently, but still I have not heard anything other then he is still trying to locate the mother,,, It seems to me that it is dragging on… Hopefully this will be the year that I finally get to see my children once again… I can only keep praying that it is.
Lately I have been spending a lot of time to myself and I am doing a lot of reading.. I also have finished some more pages of my book,,, this is a good thing.
Just yesterday I was out walking around trying to enjoy the weather (tough, when it is cold) I found myself thinking about where my life is going,, I really don’t know sometimes but I feel as though God is guiding me in the right direction.
I am also starting to realize that there is so many people out there that can be supportive with kind words and just plain compassion,,, I encourage you to continue with your support not only for me but for others that are having a rough go of it.. A simple smile can make a world of difference to someone who might need just that at any given moment…
Todays blog is just a big thank you to all that continue to read ,,, I know you all want the world to be a better place and so do I. I love you all. God bless!
Tim Barber
I am doing very well lately and am trying my very best to stay away from drugs and alcohol…. This is going good… I have not used in some time and want to continue my clean ways.
I thank all those who have been a very big support to me and hope you will continue to be support in my battle of life.
I talked with my lawyer recently, but still I have not heard anything other then he is still trying to locate the mother,,, It seems to me that it is dragging on… Hopefully this will be the year that I finally get to see my children once again… I can only keep praying that it is.
Lately I have been spending a lot of time to myself and I am doing a lot of reading.. I also have finished some more pages of my book,,, this is a good thing.
Just yesterday I was out walking around trying to enjoy the weather (tough, when it is cold) I found myself thinking about where my life is going,, I really don’t know sometimes but I feel as though God is guiding me in the right direction.
I am also starting to realize that there is so many people out there that can be supportive with kind words and just plain compassion,,, I encourage you to continue with your support not only for me but for others that are having a rough go of it.. A simple smile can make a world of difference to someone who might need just that at any given moment…
Todays blog is just a big thank you to all that continue to read ,,, I know you all want the world to be a better place and so do I. I love you all. God bless!
Tim Barber
Monday, January 3, 2011
Happy New Year?
Hello all, and Happy New Year.
I am hoping to have a better year, and I plan on doing something a little different this year in regards to my blog. I call it my blog because I am still the lone homeless writer continuing to post blogs.
I was recently staying in the mental short stay unit at the Peter Lougheed Hospital where I received some counsel due to some problems I was having. I want to thank the staff their as they were very helpful and professional in there care of all patients on the unit.
This holiday season was not easy for me to deal with and it is mostly because I miss my family but mostly I just miss my kids.
For all the readers that have been following my blog, you will know that I have been having problems with my addiction and I know that I will always be an addict but I also know it is my choice if I use or continue to stay clean. Thankfully, I am going on ten days clean and trying my best to continue this way.
I would also like to take this time to thank three wonderful ladies who have been thinking about me when i was in hospital. They are Kim, Holly and Carol. Thank you for your genuine kindness and compassion. I also know that there are lots of people that do have me in there prayers and I do thank each and every one of you as well.
I am hoping to be able to start doing things in my life that make me a little happier in life. I cant say exactly what it is I will do but I do want to find something. Right now I enjoy writing for an audience and i also have started continuing with my book once again.
I would also like to give all my readers a chance to read the first 70 pages of my book. What i am offering you is an opportunity to know about my life growing up. I can tell you that you might not like some of the real people that were a part of my life but it is all true and I invite you to email me for a copy. My email address is tjwbarber@hotmail.com I would also ask that if you want a copy of this book, that you leave a donation that will go towards me getting out of my homeless situation. No donation will go towards drugs or alcohol. That is a promise! If you are interested please email and I would prefer to give you the book in person.
I really want to turn my life around and that is why I have applied to go into a new treatment program as well as a concurrent disorder program in Claresholm. I am hoping that I will be able to get into these programs before the end of the month. I will also continue to update all of you on my life whether it is good or bad. I honestly believe that I can change and become a better person. It means a great deal to me to be able to write and if ever I needed the support of others, it is now. I don't want to waste my time with my addiction anymore, I'm now 43 and going on 44 in a couple of months and I have absolutely nothing in life. Well, actually I have two beautiful children and I want to see them more then anything. I know that if I continue to stay clean, it can become reality and I will not lose hope anymore.
I would also like to take this time to let you all know that I am currently trying to get on facebook and post my blogs on there as well as on this blog along with pictures of my children and other things, hopefully it will be soon.
For now, I would like to encourage you all once again to continue to follow my blogs and to invite a friend or family member to follow as well. I look forward to writing my next blog.
I would like to end on something that Jewel sings from her song Hands:
If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be, were all OK, not to worry, because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these, i wont be made useless, wont be made idle with despair.
I just thought i would share that with you. Her music has always made me feel better and for all those that have heard her music, you know why.
I still remember when I first heard her voice, it was like an angel singing to me and to me alone.
Thank you all for reading my blog, i will blog again soon.
You, My Reader, are my support
Tim Barber
Not feeling so lonely anymore.
I am hoping to have a better year, and I plan on doing something a little different this year in regards to my blog. I call it my blog because I am still the lone homeless writer continuing to post blogs.
I was recently staying in the mental short stay unit at the Peter Lougheed Hospital where I received some counsel due to some problems I was having. I want to thank the staff their as they were very helpful and professional in there care of all patients on the unit.
This holiday season was not easy for me to deal with and it is mostly because I miss my family but mostly I just miss my kids.
For all the readers that have been following my blog, you will know that I have been having problems with my addiction and I know that I will always be an addict but I also know it is my choice if I use or continue to stay clean. Thankfully, I am going on ten days clean and trying my best to continue this way.
I would also like to take this time to thank three wonderful ladies who have been thinking about me when i was in hospital. They are Kim, Holly and Carol. Thank you for your genuine kindness and compassion. I also know that there are lots of people that do have me in there prayers and I do thank each and every one of you as well.
I am hoping to be able to start doing things in my life that make me a little happier in life. I cant say exactly what it is I will do but I do want to find something. Right now I enjoy writing for an audience and i also have started continuing with my book once again.
I would also like to give all my readers a chance to read the first 70 pages of my book. What i am offering you is an opportunity to know about my life growing up. I can tell you that you might not like some of the real people that were a part of my life but it is all true and I invite you to email me for a copy. My email address is tjwbarber@hotmail.com I would also ask that if you want a copy of this book, that you leave a donation that will go towards me getting out of my homeless situation. No donation will go towards drugs or alcohol. That is a promise! If you are interested please email and I would prefer to give you the book in person.
I really want to turn my life around and that is why I have applied to go into a new treatment program as well as a concurrent disorder program in Claresholm. I am hoping that I will be able to get into these programs before the end of the month. I will also continue to update all of you on my life whether it is good or bad. I honestly believe that I can change and become a better person. It means a great deal to me to be able to write and if ever I needed the support of others, it is now. I don't want to waste my time with my addiction anymore, I'm now 43 and going on 44 in a couple of months and I have absolutely nothing in life. Well, actually I have two beautiful children and I want to see them more then anything. I know that if I continue to stay clean, it can become reality and I will not lose hope anymore.
I would also like to take this time to let you all know that I am currently trying to get on facebook and post my blogs on there as well as on this blog along with pictures of my children and other things, hopefully it will be soon.
For now, I would like to encourage you all once again to continue to follow my blogs and to invite a friend or family member to follow as well. I look forward to writing my next blog.
I would like to end on something that Jewel sings from her song Hands:
If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be, were all OK, not to worry, because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these, i wont be made useless, wont be made idle with despair.
I just thought i would share that with you. Her music has always made me feel better and for all those that have heard her music, you know why.
I still remember when I first heard her voice, it was like an angel singing to me and to me alone.
Thank you all for reading my blog, i will blog again soon.
You, My Reader, are my support
Tim Barber
Not feeling so lonely anymore.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Christmas Blues
How are you? I am doing as good as I possibly can. I really don't have a lot to say today, but I still thought it best to write a blog about how things are going.
First of all, I haven't used in the last week. I think its more or less because i haven't really been feeling all that well, also its because i have been a little depressed.
Christmas is a time of year that is supposed to be about family in my opinion, and i don't have any of my family around to share the holidays with. I miss being a part of a family and i would say that my only wish for this season is to find out what the hell is going on with my children.
I actually hate thinking about them because it depresses me that they are not a part of my life and i wonder whether they think of me at all. It may not mean much, but I do hope they have a very merry Christmas.
Lately I seem to be tired all the time and very lazy. Its almost as though i have already given up on this fight in my life. I really don't have the energy that i had up until just a couple of months ago. My whole world seems to be about just making it through another day.
I would like to quickly wish all of my followers a very merry Christmas and happy new year. I hope that i will be able to continue writing these blogs. Actually it is just a matter of time before i leave Calgary, i am just getting tired of this person i have become and plan on moving somewhere where no one knows of me and maybe i can try a new life that i can be a better person. The truth is, i don't think i am a good person, there are things in my life that i am not proud of. Basically, i am sick and tired of putting on a happy face, when deep down inside i feel a lot of pain. Not to mention that i have feelings of anger, confusion and shame.
I actually hope that an angel will appear and guide me into a new year in which i can find some happiness, that's all i ever really wanted in life, to be happy every day. Really, I don't think that its too much to ask. Is it?
Ive really enjoyed writing for you, my reader, and hopefully this season will be over soon and I can try and get on with a better life.
I want to say sorry if i seem a little down but i cant lie and say that everything is great when its not.
Again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Homeless
Depressed
Alone
Hopefully, I will talk to you next year.
Tim Barber
First of all, I haven't used in the last week. I think its more or less because i haven't really been feeling all that well, also its because i have been a little depressed.
Christmas is a time of year that is supposed to be about family in my opinion, and i don't have any of my family around to share the holidays with. I miss being a part of a family and i would say that my only wish for this season is to find out what the hell is going on with my children.
I actually hate thinking about them because it depresses me that they are not a part of my life and i wonder whether they think of me at all. It may not mean much, but I do hope they have a very merry Christmas.
Lately I seem to be tired all the time and very lazy. Its almost as though i have already given up on this fight in my life. I really don't have the energy that i had up until just a couple of months ago. My whole world seems to be about just making it through another day.
I would like to quickly wish all of my followers a very merry Christmas and happy new year. I hope that i will be able to continue writing these blogs. Actually it is just a matter of time before i leave Calgary, i am just getting tired of this person i have become and plan on moving somewhere where no one knows of me and maybe i can try a new life that i can be a better person. The truth is, i don't think i am a good person, there are things in my life that i am not proud of. Basically, i am sick and tired of putting on a happy face, when deep down inside i feel a lot of pain. Not to mention that i have feelings of anger, confusion and shame.
I actually hope that an angel will appear and guide me into a new year in which i can find some happiness, that's all i ever really wanted in life, to be happy every day. Really, I don't think that its too much to ask. Is it?
Ive really enjoyed writing for you, my reader, and hopefully this season will be over soon and I can try and get on with a better life.
I want to say sorry if i seem a little down but i cant lie and say that everything is great when its not.
Again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Homeless
Depressed
Alone
Hopefully, I will talk to you next year.
Tim Barber
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Homeless Winter Part 2
Since my last blog I have calmed down some. I wont tell you that i used because I haven't. Actually i am very pissed off at myself and hope to continue to consider my whole life in a different perspective. I want to try and become a functioning member of this society. Isn't that what people want . Its definitely what i want. I am not a perfect person and i don't think i could ever accomplish a feat that high. I can barely make it a day without thinking about drugs or alcohol. I know i am not perfect but i want to be the better version of what i have been. Actually, i just want to be able to enjoy some part of my life. i enjoy writing for example.
I want to find companionship. Its been a long time since i have been in a serious relationship. being homeless doesn't seem to help much. Its actually interesting to see how many homeless men and women have a companion. its not like I'm really looking, whats more important to me is getting my children back in my life. I always have to remember that. Problem with that is that i can barely take care of myself, but I'm working on it.
Today i am trying to focus my attention more towards doing things that will be productive for my life and help me get stronger. That's why i write to you today. I am feeling much better and i hope to continue to be less cranky when it comes to blogging. Thank you for letting me share my life with you.
I will end by telling you that i found a different job and its indoors. I hope to write you soon and let you know how things are going. Sometimes i get scared about what the future will bring and i really outta start worrying more about my here and now. WHAT!! Me worry!
That's all i have to say. I hope that you will forgive me for my last blog but it is a big part of my life. I enjoy writing these blogs and hope you will continue to follow.
All the best
Stay warm
Tim Barber
Homeless
I want to find companionship. Its been a long time since i have been in a serious relationship. being homeless doesn't seem to help much. Its actually interesting to see how many homeless men and women have a companion. its not like I'm really looking, whats more important to me is getting my children back in my life. I always have to remember that. Problem with that is that i can barely take care of myself, but I'm working on it.
Today i am trying to focus my attention more towards doing things that will be productive for my life and help me get stronger. That's why i write to you today. I am feeling much better and i hope to continue to be less cranky when it comes to blogging. Thank you for letting me share my life with you.
I will end by telling you that i found a different job and its indoors. I hope to write you soon and let you know how things are going. Sometimes i get scared about what the future will bring and i really outta start worrying more about my here and now. WHAT!! Me worry!
That's all i have to say. I hope that you will forgive me for my last blog but it is a big part of my life. I enjoy writing these blogs and hope you will continue to follow.
All the best
Stay warm
Tim Barber
Homeless
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)