I am slowly losing my mind! I cant understand what the Hell i am doing anyway differently then anyone else. I don't really understand why i should bring my problems into someone else's world. I have a hard enough time dealing with any of it myself. Who could imagine what my mind is thinking at any given moment. Yet, I reach out and look for any kind of moment in my life when i will finally see the light that brings so much Joy to my life,,, what the hell am i thinking? I'm confused!
Now that i have your attention! I want to tell you, my reader , a little story. Maybe! Lately i have been feeling like i am doing very well but for the most part, its being a functioning homeless person. I don't feel like a Dad in any real way. I am trying hard to try and explain this sense of mind of mine. This is no easy task.
This fucking addiction of mine is getting to be a real pain in the ass.
When my children were Aged 10 and 16 months of age, i had to make a big desicion in my life. The choice i made will impact them the rest of there life. What i am saying is, i should have been a better father. You see, i still feel shitty for giving my children up, not once, but twice. Thank God for there Mother! I dont know anymore. I feel as though maybe i should just leave them alone and let them be with there Mother. I dont know how to handle this pressure of raising children. I'm confused!
Please God help me! I want you to know that I'm OK, for the most part i think about my children each and every day. I want to cry when i think about there lovely little faces. Man what a fucking idiot i feel right now. I dont understand my whole fucked up life. Please God help me! Please let me just go lay in the grass.
Confused but still Hope
Tim Barber
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
HOPE
Hello again,
Today's blog is about hope. What is hope? Why is there hope? Where is hope? When will i find hope? I don't know if i have all the answers to these questions but i believe we all look for a little hope now and then in our lives. For me, i truly believe that i need a lot of hope to carry me through a lot of my days. The hope that i will eventually see my kids. The hope that i will eventually be in my own place. the hope that my life will be filled with good things surrounding me. the hope that i will conquer my addiction. Lately i feel as though i have been a little hard on myself due to some minor setbacks that i would like to talk to you, my reader, about.
For the most part of the last couple of weeks i have managed to stay clean and sober, however there was a few times where i went out and used. Now i know your probably thinking i went and used crack cocaine but it was actually only marijuana. Yes i smoked some weed. I in some way actually feel that it is better that i smoked weed then actually going out and doing crack. although i still know that i should be staying away from all drugs and alcohol.
There is a point in every ones life where they need to make decisions, for me it should be an easy decision to just say NO to all forms of drugs. This is not easy for me and i am trying very hard to control my every urge to use. Its not been that bad lately, and i have not used in the last week. I am however still beating myself up over my past usage of weed and i really shouldn't be.
I hope that i can continue to write great blogs for all to read and sometimes i feel as though nobody really cares. I still continue to write because for me it is very therapeutic and it helps me to carry on with what i would say has been a very difficult life at times.
The latest of my thoughts has been on when my lawyer will actually get my children back in my life. I constantly think of my children and at times i think so much about them that it actually gives me bad headaches. Its not that its bad thinking about my children and wanting to be back in there lives, its just that i think that i am scared of the day in which i will actually meet them once again and the way they will handle the situation. I am probably worried for nothing, but i am truly scared and i almost just want to run away from the whole situation. I can only hope that i will continue to stay strong and continue to try and be the best version of me i can possibly be.
A quick question for all my fathers out there. How would you handle seeing your children after four years of being away from them? i am in need of support in this matter and i hope that with your help i can focus on what i will say and what i will do when my moment finally comes. the reason i ask this question now is because my lawyer goes to court in Red Deer on Monday the 19Th to see about getting my access put back in place and i am getting very antsy about this. I don't know if i can handle this and i need support now more then ever.
I am probably rambling on but it feels better to know that i do have people out there that actually care about me. It would be hard for me to imagine where my life would be without this blog. This blog has given me a purpose in life and a reason to get up each and every day. I am not saying my life is easy but it is getting better with time.
Being homeless has its up and down days. For example, on Canada day i wanted to go take part in the celebrations at Olympic Plaza but when i went over there i felt out of place. I looked around and all i could see were families together and this just made me depressed. The same thing happened when i wanted to go to the Stampede Parade. to me, it just doesn't feel the same without my children in my life.
It is my hope that you, my reader, has a fantastic time this year at the Calgary Stampede and that you have good health all summer long. I would like to mention that i still continue to pray for the return of my children in my life someday soon, and i also pray for you, my reader. I know that there are still some of you out there praying for me and i would ask that you continue to pray for me and my children. I can feel things changing in my life day by day and i hope that my blogs have changed a small part of you and the way that you think of the homeless.
I am going to say good bye for now and i hope you will continue to read all my blogs and if you can, find a friend or relative to become a follower on my blog.
Thanks for lending me your ear,
Hope is everywhere,
Tim Barber
I find plenty of hope with you, my reader.
Today's blog is about hope. What is hope? Why is there hope? Where is hope? When will i find hope? I don't know if i have all the answers to these questions but i believe we all look for a little hope now and then in our lives. For me, i truly believe that i need a lot of hope to carry me through a lot of my days. The hope that i will eventually see my kids. The hope that i will eventually be in my own place. the hope that my life will be filled with good things surrounding me. the hope that i will conquer my addiction. Lately i feel as though i have been a little hard on myself due to some minor setbacks that i would like to talk to you, my reader, about.
For the most part of the last couple of weeks i have managed to stay clean and sober, however there was a few times where i went out and used. Now i know your probably thinking i went and used crack cocaine but it was actually only marijuana. Yes i smoked some weed. I in some way actually feel that it is better that i smoked weed then actually going out and doing crack. although i still know that i should be staying away from all drugs and alcohol.
There is a point in every ones life where they need to make decisions, for me it should be an easy decision to just say NO to all forms of drugs. This is not easy for me and i am trying very hard to control my every urge to use. Its not been that bad lately, and i have not used in the last week. I am however still beating myself up over my past usage of weed and i really shouldn't be.
I hope that i can continue to write great blogs for all to read and sometimes i feel as though nobody really cares. I still continue to write because for me it is very therapeutic and it helps me to carry on with what i would say has been a very difficult life at times.
The latest of my thoughts has been on when my lawyer will actually get my children back in my life. I constantly think of my children and at times i think so much about them that it actually gives me bad headaches. Its not that its bad thinking about my children and wanting to be back in there lives, its just that i think that i am scared of the day in which i will actually meet them once again and the way they will handle the situation. I am probably worried for nothing, but i am truly scared and i almost just want to run away from the whole situation. I can only hope that i will continue to stay strong and continue to try and be the best version of me i can possibly be.
A quick question for all my fathers out there. How would you handle seeing your children after four years of being away from them? i am in need of support in this matter and i hope that with your help i can focus on what i will say and what i will do when my moment finally comes. the reason i ask this question now is because my lawyer goes to court in Red Deer on Monday the 19Th to see about getting my access put back in place and i am getting very antsy about this. I don't know if i can handle this and i need support now more then ever.
I am probably rambling on but it feels better to know that i do have people out there that actually care about me. It would be hard for me to imagine where my life would be without this blog. This blog has given me a purpose in life and a reason to get up each and every day. I am not saying my life is easy but it is getting better with time.
Being homeless has its up and down days. For example, on Canada day i wanted to go take part in the celebrations at Olympic Plaza but when i went over there i felt out of place. I looked around and all i could see were families together and this just made me depressed. The same thing happened when i wanted to go to the Stampede Parade. to me, it just doesn't feel the same without my children in my life.
It is my hope that you, my reader, has a fantastic time this year at the Calgary Stampede and that you have good health all summer long. I would like to mention that i still continue to pray for the return of my children in my life someday soon, and i also pray for you, my reader. I know that there are still some of you out there praying for me and i would ask that you continue to pray for me and my children. I can feel things changing in my life day by day and i hope that my blogs have changed a small part of you and the way that you think of the homeless.
I am going to say good bye for now and i hope you will continue to read all my blogs and if you can, find a friend or relative to become a follower on my blog.
Thanks for lending me your ear,
Hope is everywhere,
Tim Barber
I find plenty of hope with you, my reader.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
New Blog Soon
Hello to all my followers, I know that you have all been waiting for my next blog and I can assure you that it will be coming soon. I have been busy doing some volunteer work at the Salvation Army and I am currently working on a new blog that will be one of the best yet! So, please let all your friends and family know about this blog as I would still like to reach a total of 50 followers in the near future. I know that with your help, this will be a fairly easy task. I will be posting a blog within the next week. I look forward to your comments at that time.
Write at you soon,
Tim Barber
Homeless with Hope
Write at you soon,
Tim Barber
Homeless with Hope
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