Christmas Blues

How are you? I am doing as good as I possibly can. I really don't have a lot to say today, but I still thought it best to write a blog about how things are going.

First of all, I haven't used in the last week. I think its more or less because i haven't really been feeling all that well, also its because i have been a little depressed.

Christmas is a time of year that is supposed to be about family in my opinion, and i don't have any of my family around to share the holidays with. I miss being a part of a family and i would say that my only wish for this season is to find out what the hell is going on with my children.

I actually hate thinking about them because it depresses me that they are not a part of my life and i wonder whether they think of me at all. It may not mean much, but I do hope they have a very merry Christmas.

Lately I seem to be tired all the time and very lazy. Its almost as though i have already given up on this fight in my life. I really don't have the energy that i had up until just a couple of months ago. My whole world seems to be about just making it through another day.

I would like to quickly wish all of my followers a very merry Christmas and happy new year. I hope that i will be able to continue writing these blogs. Actually it is just a matter of time before i leave Calgary, i am just getting tired of this person i have become and plan on moving somewhere where no one knows of me and maybe i can try a new life that i can be a better person. The truth is, i don't think i am a good person, there are things in my life that i am not proud of. Basically, i am sick and tired of putting on a happy face, when deep down inside i feel a lot of pain. Not to mention that i have feelings of anger, confusion and shame.

I actually hope that an angel will appear and guide me into a new year in which i can find some happiness, that's all i ever really wanted in life, to be happy every day. Really, I don't think that its too much to ask. Is it?

Ive really enjoyed writing for you, my reader, and hopefully this season will be over soon and I can try and get on with a better life.

I want to say sorry if i seem a little down but i cant lie and say that everything is great when its not.

Again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Homeless
Depressed
Alone
Hopefully, I will talk to you next year.

Tim Barber

Homeless Winter Part 2

Since my last blog I have calmed down some. I wont tell you that i used because I haven't. Actually i am very pissed off at myself and hope to continue to consider my whole life in a different perspective. I want to try and become a functioning member of this society. Isn't that what people want . Its definitely what i want. I am not a perfect person and i don't think i could ever accomplish a feat that high. I can barely make it a day without thinking about drugs or alcohol. I know i am not perfect but i want to be the better version of what i have been. Actually, i just want to be able to enjoy some part of my life. i enjoy writing for example.

I want to find companionship. Its been a long time since i have been in a serious relationship. being homeless doesn't seem to help much. Its actually interesting to see how many homeless men and women have a companion. its not like I'm really looking, whats more important to me is getting my children back in my life. I always have to remember that. Problem with that is that i can barely take care of myself, but I'm working on it.

Today i am trying to focus my attention more towards doing things that will be productive for my life and help me get stronger. That's why i write to you today. I am feeling much better and i hope to continue to be less cranky when it comes to blogging. Thank you for letting me share my life with you.

I will end by telling you that i found a different job and its indoors. I hope to write you soon and let you know how things are going. Sometimes i get scared about what the future will bring and i really outta start worrying more about my here and now. WHAT!! Me worry!


That's all i have to say. I hope that you will forgive me for my last blog but it is a big part of my life. I enjoy writing these blogs and hope you will continue to follow.

All the best
Stay warm

Tim Barber
Homeless

Homeless Winter

Here I am stuck in the same old rut. I think you know where I'm going with this. I will be straight up honest and tell you, I used. Its as simple as that and I truly am getting sick, sick and tired of my addiction. Sometimes I truly challenge that notion though. I believe that I also have some sort of fucked up brain.

Now that Ive got that off my back, lets just talk about what its been like for me lately.

I was doing really well up until Thursday night. Then for some reason which I am still trying to figure out happened. This probably doesn’t make sense and I hope to reach out and grab your attention, just bare with me.

I went for a walk tonight despite the very frigid weather. I needed to think. Its actually something in my life Ive always enjoyed doing. Just taking a walk and thinking about where my is leading. I sometimes even talk out loud like I'm having a conversation with myself. Don’t worry, I'm not crazy. At least I hope not. I think about all sorts of things, I basically let my mind wonder where it may.

While out on my walk I got to thinking about my children and about whats happening in their life. I wonder what its like to be a father to an 8 and 9 year old. I started thinking about all the interesting things they may be doing. I wonder what thy read, what they like, what they like to do and pretty well anything about them. Its been way to long. Then I started wondering what they would think about a dad that’s gets fucked up on crack. They would probably think dads a loser, and the yd be right. I start wondering how my life could have been if I still had the kids in my life.

Some days its very difficult to find any motivation to actually get out and do something. I'm actually having a difficult time trying to stay focused on this newest blog that you are currently reading. For me, writing these blogs relieves some of the tension that I have built up. In other words, its very therapeutic and that’s why I continue to write them.

Thursday i had 160$ by four o'clock in the afternoon and by 7 AM the next morning, I had barely enough to buy a coffee, but I still had a half pack of smokes. WooHoo!!
Crack will take every penny out of your pocket, quick. What the fuck is my problem? I so want to get my life turned around but I still don’t learn. I'm getting a lot frustrated with my way of thinking and living like I do, I'm sick of it. Why oh why do I put myself through such crap. I'm not trying to beat up on myself, I just want to try and find answers, its that simple.

The answers will have to come from within me. It also helps when I have support. That’s why you, my reader, are a very instrumental part in my journey. Right now I'm just stuck in the snow, so to say.

Wow, trying to stay focused but mind wandering. Actually listening to Jewel right now. She has a very soothing voice and I really like her music. Its hard to believe that she was once homeless. OK, gotta focus, gotta get back on track.

Why do I feel so blue, yet I feel a glimpse of hope. I'm actually almost crying and I really cant understand why sometimes I just get lost in emotional part of my brain, I don’t know how to explain it. Like I said, maybe I am crazy. NOT!

This may seem all fucked up to you, but it is now a week later and i really want to try and finish this blog and just get on with my miserable life.

OK, so i am being hard on myself and i think that it is a long time coming. I am not going to feel sorry for myself. I live a crazy life and i honestly wish it would end soon! By the way, i am not kidding. I really don't want to deal with anything anymore and hope that something gives. If something doesn't change soon, i will be just a another homeless memory that will be gone from your thought.


I no that i sound a little confused and that's OK because i really don't give a flying rats ass if anybody leaves comments or whatever anymore.


I have decided that i am going to start worrying about me and me only. No more thoughts of kids, no more worrying about what my day will bring, i am totally shutting down and am just going to try and get through another miserable winter in Calgary.


For all those that think i can beat this addiction, i am truly sorry but i cant, try and stop it. I am hooked and i don't think there is anything i can do to stop it, yet i keep living. WHY?? i feel like i have already died and i am already in Hell. That is the way it feels. Will i ever get out of this hell. I hope so. But i doubt it. i don't have the strength.

Where is my angel?
Where is my life?
What have i become?
Do i really deserve to live?
Does anyone care?
Do I care?
Do my kids even know i exist?
Would they care?

These are my remarks and i will not take them back!
Might talk to you soon, i will see!

Tim Barber
Homeless in Calgary

You, My Reader, Are Incredible

Hello to all my followers, I am doing very well and most important, I am staying clean and sober. Work is also going well and I am managing to make it every day with the help of my network of support.

It really is incredible to have such wonderful support from each and every one of you. I do hope you will continue to carry the message and bring me more followers as it brings me great hope for my future. I feel an incredible bond between you, my reader and myself.Just seeing all the wonderful comments that have been left on my blogs keeps me strong and willing to go yet another day without the use of drugs or alcohol.

I need to also send out a big thank you to Kim with walking with the homeless, she is my inspiration to help other people who are homeless. The work she does is incredible and i only wish i could be half the wonderful person she has become.

I have an incredible journey yet to come in my life and I tell you this, I look forward to each and every day as a new and improved version of myself. I actually already feel like a new person. I think it because I am really focused on keeping this blog alive and well and hope that you will always be a part of my journey. I have the strength of all of you and that is what keeps me going strong.

I really hope that by the end of the week I may be able to post the pictures of my children from when I last saw them. They are incredibly beautiful kids and they have my great looks. lol

Anyway, I am tired and need to go back to the shelter to have my dinner and have a nice warm shower, read and then off to bed for another day of work tomorrow.

I must say one last thing. I am enjoying having a routine in my life once again. It really is about time. Time for me to continue my change, for the better

Thanks for listening.
Don't be afraid to be the very best version of yourself.
It really is rewarding.
Hope, Love, Compassion (The New Me)
Tim Barber

WOW

Hello all. I want to thank all my followers for reaching out, I am very impressed with all your comments and I thank you dearly. However, this must continue. What I mean to say is, I want you to continue to tell your friends and family and make sure that hey tell there friends and family and so on and so on and, well you get the point.

I had a great day at work today and was looking so forward to getting to the library to check out all my comments and new followers i received. I was totally blown away when I seen that I now have 50 followers. That is 15 new followers in just one day. Again, WOW!

I am actually working for West Point Roofers and it is a labour intensive job but the boss guy seems to like my work and it sounds like I will be around with this company for some time.

The biggest problem I am going to have is trying to make it till my first pay. Which happens to be next Friday. If by chance any one might have either some work that needs done over the weekend or some bus tickets to help me get through it would be greatly appreciated. I will leave my email address and the phone number where you can leave a message at the end of this blog.

By the way, I did not use for the last 2 days and this is all due to you, my reader. Again I thank you. I actually got offered to smoke a joint today and I said No. Can you believe it. I actually said NO! I feel so good about the way my life is going and I think that I am going to make a big difference. I promise to continue to be strong and I encourage you to continue to leave comments as it makes me even stronger.

Also, I actually am gaining happiness in my life, it is so nice to actually be able to smile when I see all the lovely comments on my blog, please keep it up.

Hopefully within a week or two I will be able to post a picture of my children on my blog for each of you to see. I am hoping to have them scanned and then you can see what I am fighting for. What I long to see once again. It is actually a picture of when I last saw them when they were 4 and 5. For those of you that don't know, my children's names are Tyler and Destiny. Oh how I miss them so.

I am actually really tired right now and I am going back to the shelter to take a shower, read a little and get a good night sleep, so I can be refreshed for tomorrow.

I also would like to encourage you all to go back and read some of my other blogs to get a better understanding of me. I am trying to continue with my autobiography and God willing, I will

Regaining Happiness
I feel the Love

Thank you one and all,
Tim Barber
Homeless and filled with Hope

PS Have you done something nice today for a homeless person?

TRYING TO PAY IT FORWARD

I am pissed off at myself and I really think I have every right to be. I haven't been giving it 100% for the last couple of months when I really should have been. Maybe I am being a little too hard on myself. I don't think that there is one perfect person in this world. I know that i am not perfect. What i am trying to say is, yes, i have been using drugs and alcohol lately. I have not been the better version of myself that i was trying to be.

Its time to take control of my life and make changes. I do not want to be homeless when i die. I am about to try and become a difference in this homeless world i live. From this day forward i Tim Barber am going to start living a life with more meaning.

I met a wonderful woman the other day that is doing something to help the homeless. Her name is Kim. Kim volunteers her time with Walking with the Homeless. I had an opportunity to sit down with Kim over coffee and i have to say it made something in my mind click. Maybe I'm not making any sense to you. I feel as though i finally realized that really i am not alone and i can help make a difference. Thank you Kim.

Which brings me back to my original point.

I start a new job tomorrow and i truly hope that i will be able to handle going back to work full time. Lets just say that i am going to conduct an experiment of my own. Oh!! By the way, i want you, my reader, to get involved.

You see, i don't see my followers climbing very well and i am also going to try and change that. I want you to start talking to all your friends and family and get them to become a follower. Please. I am going to give you the opportunity to help me stay clean and sober. Every day that i see at least one more follower from the previous day, it will make me stronger to see that there is more then 35 people that care about making a difference. I know that there is thousands of people that care whats happening with the homeless. The homeless need people like you.

I really want to try and get some closure on things in my life. Slowly i am doing this. I know that your probably lost by now. I sometimes just ramble on. Lately i just have been having mixed feelings and emotions. There are certain days that i want to give up and a big part of me does. For some strange reason i still seem to wake up each and every morning and i wonder what my day has in store. I really didn't know what to expect. Ive had no routine. Its time i tried to get into some sort of routine, thus starting a new job tomorrow. I really do want to try and become a better version of myself.

I think the next couple of weeks will be crucial in any kind of good i may do. What i mean to say is, i want to stay clean and i want to give back to the homeless in the best way possible. I have a brain. Oh by the way, so does every homeless person. Did you know that they are people too. Sorry i just get a little angry when i see some people, the way they look at me or other homeless people. Not everybody but some people. I wasn't trying to be funny.

So basically, i look forward to all your comments whether that be good or bad, just comment. I want yo be able to write more blogs in the near future and i will. I need you, my reader, to go talk to people, just mention it , it only takes a second or two. I look forward to making a difference and with your help, we will.

Quick update:

I still have not got news from lawyer about when first visit with kids is, but should be soon. Cross my fingers.

Possible new author coming onto blog soon. Her name is Brittany and she is 19 years old and homeless.

I am going to try and become a better person. I truly want to live a clean and sober life. This is no easy task for me. Im clean today and i will continue to work on that. Whatever it takes, i need to find a way to maintain that. I truly beleive that i could be in my own place by the First of February. I just need to apply what i think and know to my life. I havnt been doing that. It really pisses me off that i didnt liten to my granpa 30 years ago. Save , put away money for when you get old. Now i am getting old and i have nothing to show for it. I have had so much in my life. When i look back at all the furniture and knick knacks, not to mention money. Good paying jobs, company vehicle. Why did i let my life get like this.

Easy! Addiction is a disease. I unfortunanettly am one that gets addicted to anything that involves pleasure. Well most things that involve pleusure. The funny thing is, i have no interest in sex at this poiint of my life. Wird. Then again, it would probably prefer a sex addiction over crack. The way my luck is though, mine would be a no sex addict.

The only real thing i care about right at this point of my life is when i finally get to have a life with my children once again. I will say it again even though i know you already know this, but i need them to regain the only happiness i truly have felt in my life. I love and miss my chilren and i know that God will put me back with my children when God knows it is time. I truly beleive that. I just dont want to be a messed up human being when that chance arrives.

I want to thank all my readers for listening and I look forward to hearing all your comments.

HOPE
INSPIRATION
COMPASSION
Do something this week for a homeless person
Buy them a coffee or just say hello,
Thanks,
Tim Barber

Alone

Hello all, it has been some time now since I put a blog on and this is because I have been somewhat confused on where my life is going. I almost feel trapped in another persons body doing things that I don't really want to do. Its hard to explain because I cant really understand my own mind at this point of my life. I wish I could explain in further detail and I hope that you will understand that I have a lot issues I am trying to deal with and I feel all alone in this battle within myself. I want to reach out and ask for help but I am scared, very scared.

Since I was a child I always seemed to run away from all of my problems whether they were small or large problems. One of the biggest things I ran from was the sexual abuse that happened when I was a young child. This is something I continue to battle with throughout my life and continue to dwell on to this day. I never have found closure on this matter. I am hoping that one day I will be able to find the courage to seek out the proper counselling in regards to this matter. It actually makes me sick to my stomach thinking that these people that violated me may still be out there abusing other children.

There is sometimes the thought of actually hunting down any child molester and doing things to them to make them all pay for this abuse. Except it doesn't make any sense to me why I should even bother when my whole life is in a rut right now. Maybe I am rambling on, but I have a lot of pain still inside me and I don't know how to rid myself of these memories and shame. I feel all alone.

It is also very difficult because I haven't seen my children in too damn long and eve though things seem to be moving forward I don't know if I would be a good father when I have all these other issues to deal with. I am almost to the point of giving up on seeing them and just let them live out there life with just there mother. As much as I believe that I could put other matters behind me, I can never rid myself of the damage of addiction, I will always be an addict whether I stay clean or not.

The truth is I haven't been doing great in the staying clean part and its not like I am using all the time but when my thoughts become to much for me to handle, I turn to the one thing I always thought would help. Drugs or alcohol. It only happens when my head starts pounding after thinking about my past behaviors and I am slowly trying to put a handle on this situation. Once again, I feel like I am all alone and I don't know where or who to ask for help.

All I want is to be happy once again and I haven't felt real happiness in about four years. Actually the last time I felt real happiness was when I was with my children. I lost that happiness the day I handed my children over to the Children's Aid Society. I really really want my happiness back. Oh how I do love and miss my children and wish I could see them once again. I really don't know if this will happen. Only God knows and I hope that each and every one of you reading my blog today will turn to your loved one and give them a big hug and kiss and tell them you love them.

That's all for today, I need some time to myself.

May you never be alone!
Hope is dying.
Tim Barber

Another Update

It’s about time I shared some of my recent encounters within the homeless population. Basically, I am going to share with you, my reader, what’s going on in my life. When last I gave you an update, I was looking forward to hearing about my children. This is still an ongoing battle and I still don’t know much more. The weirdest thing is that I’m actually calm about everything. Even though I know that will all change as soon as I find out my visit is confirmed with my boy and girl. God I can’t wait!

As for how I have been doing for the last little while. I will be honest and tell you I had a slip and I continue to battle addictions of various sorts. Although for the better part of the last little while, I’ve been damn well good! What I mean to say is I have been staying away from my using ways.

I’ve actually moved into my own place now. Well actually I have moved into a room with a small fridge and stove and I have cable for the same price I was paying in a shelter.

Really it’s only a step up from the shelters. I do feel much better about where my life is going.

The past couple of weeks I have actually had a nasty flu or cold, some sort of nasty bug. I was fortunate enough to participate in a recent symposium for the Calgary Homeless Foundation where I spoke about this particular blog. I am surprised that I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I would be. The fortunate thing was that not only was my reception very reassuring, but I was fortunate enough to get a laptop computer in which I can write more blogs and continue with my book. I would like to say thank you to Herb Emery for your generosity.



In other news, I had a weekend stay at the Mustard Seed’s Foothills shelter. I can tell you that, I am so glad to be out of the shelter system. I used to think the Mustard Seed was a good shelter but after my short weekend visit there, I am second-guessing myself. I could not believe how unhappy most of the staff members appeared to be. One staff member in particular took out his frustration by taking the TV privileges away from all clients. Apparently he wanted to watch Law and Order. The clients wanted to watch a movie. The Mustard Seed also try to preach the word of God but it seems as though things they do don’t seem Godly at all. I don’t want to get into too much detail, as I will be writing a blog soon about this shelter.

As for other things in my life, things are normal. Then again, what is normal? I just confused myself. I still want to find out what’s going on with my children and I would still like to find a comfortable job and eventually a better place. I don’t try to overwhelm myself too much because I get stressed out to easily. Maybe someone can explain to me what normal is in a person’s life. What is normal to you?

Please continue to check for blogs and remember to tell a friend to become a follower. I really want to reach 100 before the end of the year. Help me achieve this.

Coming Soon; More Blogs
Hope you’ll continue to enjoy!
Tim Barber

CLOSURE OF SOME KIND?

I want to tell you about something interesting that happened lately. It’s about a girl that I loved and adored almost 15 years ago. What happened was….I think I’ll just let you read this first. Actual article from April 7th, 1995 in the Province newspaper in Vancouver,BC. The headline reads;

I think she’s dead now: Mom;

A Winnipeg woman fears her daughter is dead in Vancouver, after a chilling, wordless telephone call.

Cheryl Pelkey, 24, hasn’t been seen since last Friday afternoon, when she walked out of the Downtown Eastside Women’s Centre at 44 E. Cordova.

And just after noon on Saturday in Winnipeg, the phone rang at her mother Nancy Picard’s home.

“There were sounds like somebody choking on the other end of the phone,” Picard said yesterday. “Nobody talked, it was just a gurgle and a choking noise. There was a deep breath and then silence.”

“I think that was her final call. I’m worried. I think she’s dead now.”

Picard said her daughter, who usually phones two or three times a week, has divided her time between Winnipeg and Vancouver for the past year and a half.

Pelkey’s boyfriend Tim Barber reported her missing on Sunday to Vancouver police.

“I don’t want to think the worst, but at the same time, she doesn’t do this,” said Barber.

He said Pelkey returned from Winnipeg a month ago, and they were living at the New Backpackers Hostel at 347 W.Pender.

When Pelkey vanished last Friday, she had cashed her welfare cheque and had about $500 cash.

“She was going off to the women’s center to play bingo,” Barber said, adding that people at the center saw her leave.

Her clothes and possessions, including the teddy-bear collection she’s had since she was a child, are still in the two-room apartment they shared.

Pelkey was prone to occasional fits of anger, the after-effect of sexual abuse she suffered as a child, said Picard and Barber. Pelkey has been on her own since she was 13.

“She’s pretty quiet,” Barber said. “She doesn’t do drugs, she doesn’t smoke.”

She was last seen wearing a jean jacket and jeans, low-heeled black shoes, and a T-shirt and carrying a jean bag. She is five feet, four inches tall, 135 pounds, with short brown hair and brown eyes.

Police are investigating.

The reason I thought I would share this with you is because I finally saw her yesterday after 15 years of not knowing what happened.

It’s interesting that all she had to say was “ I guess things just didn’t work out” and walked away.

I feel as though OK maybe that’s the only closure I will get from this unusual part of my life. The truth of the matter is, I truly loved this woman and when this happened I became very addicted to the needle shortly after this incident. I was hooked on the needle for the next two years before I finally came to Calgary and stopped all needle use.

Its not like I am blaming her for my addiction, it was just something I thought I would share with you, my reader. I’m just relieved that I can now close the book on that chapter in my life and trust me I have many chapters. As you will find out when my book is finally ready.

That’s all for now and I look forward to writing more blogs soon, and I look forward to your comments.

Thanks for letting me share this,
Tim Barber

The Beginning

Over the next couple of months I will be writing a lot more about the different shelters. I will be sharing my experiences of living at the various shelters. These shelters are Alpha House, The Mustard Seed, The Salvation Army and of course The Drop Inn Center.

To begin, would like to take you back to the late 1980's and early 1990's.

Back in the late 80's I used to be a frequent visitor at the Drop Inn Center. At the time the Drop Inn was just that. It was a place to come and socialize, play cards, use their laundry facilities and occasionally I would try to find day labor work through the labor office. Not to mention , I would also check out some of the clothing they had to offer. At that time the Drop Inn was just a warehouse, which to this day is is still used by the Drop Inn, mostly as their clothing store and as well as storage.

At the time I actually had my own 1 bedroom apartment that was all inclusive for only $450 per month.

The Drop Inn at that time was set up with about 30 tables for visitors to play cards and to have lunch and socialize. I would generally go to the Drop Inn at the time to meet friends, also for support and I found the staff very friendly back then compared to the new Drop Inn where I find the staff are not as personable as they could be. I think it is because of the enormous amount of people that actually frequent the Drop Inn nowadays.

In the late 80's early 90's, the only real addiction or substance abuse was alcohol and the occasional weed smoker.Back then there was not a very big demand for crack cocaine, that would come later on in time and in my opinion was one of the biggest contributors to people becoming homeless as well as the cost of housing rising dramatically.

Back then the Drop Inn usually housed between 20-50 people per night compared to the 1000 people that use the Drop Inn as a place to stay today.It was actually the Salvation Army Booth Center that housed the homeless for the most part in that day and age.

The Booth Center at that time was set up differently then it is today and I will talk about that in a later blog. Back then they actually had the TV room down in the basement where people could socialize and also read or play cards.

Back then The Mustard Seed was not well heard of and it would eventually become a very popular shelter to stay at and I will also discuss more about this shelter in a later blog.

Quick Note;

I will also be continuing with my updates of what is going on in my life and I encourage you to continue to check for blogs on a regular basis. That is all I have to say for now and I do look forward to my pursuit in life.

Thanks for reading,
Filled with HOPE
Tim Barber

Help

I sit here today trying to figure out what it is I really want to say to you, my reader. I want to be able to tell you that everything is all good but the truth is, I am feeling somewhat inadequate about my life.

The only good things that are happening in my life right now are; It sounds like I may see my children within the next month; Plus I am moving into my own place soon.

In regards to seeing my children: I have to tell you that I am very scared. I dont even know how I am going to make it up to Red Deer when I actually have the visit arranged. I am scared that they will not want me in there life,, the bottom line is I am scared about a whole lotta things.

In regards to my place,, its just a room with a fridge and a hotplate but it is a step up and it means that I will no longer be homeless. Even though it still feels like being homeless.

I think the best thing I can do now is ask you, my reader for some advise and for some help.
If you know of anybody that needs some odd jobs done, please feel free to email me at tjwbarber@hotmail.com I would like to be able to make some extra money this month to buy some advance bus tickets to Red Deer. I dont want to be left wondering what to do if my lawyer says I have a visit in the next week. The last thing I want to do is be late for my first visit, let alone any visit with my children.

I am only asking for your help because I was told many times in the past (It never hurts to reach out for help,, just ask)

One last thing before I go. I would like to ask you all if there is anything in particular that you would like me to write about in the near future. I will definitly be continuing to write on this blog for some time yet. You cant get rid of me yet. Any ideas? Please feel free to let me know.

Thanks for listening
Hope is all around us
Tim Barber

OPTIMISTIC

Another fine day for this homeless, addicted father of two. No! It's going to be a fantastic day.

I talked with my family lawyer today. I may find out as early as next week as to when I will be able to see my children once again.

Yes! I am scared but very optimistic.

I think that is all I have to say for now to you, my reader, but please continue with prayer for me and my future with my children. All the best to you and remember to keep leaving comments as they brighten my days.
Write at you soon.
Thanks for listening,
Tim Barber
Regaining HOPE every day.

CONFUSED

I am slowly losing my mind! I cant understand what the Hell i am doing anyway differently then anyone else. I don't really understand why i should bring my problems into someone else's world. I have a hard enough time dealing with any of it myself. Who could imagine what my mind is thinking at any given moment. Yet, I reach out and look for any kind of moment in my life when i will finally see the light that brings so much Joy to my life,,, what the hell am i thinking? I'm confused!

Now that i have your attention! I want to tell you, my reader , a little story. Maybe! Lately i have been feeling like i am doing very well but for the most part, its being a functioning homeless person. I don't feel like a Dad in any real way. I am trying hard to try and explain this sense of mind of mine. This is no easy task.
This fucking addiction of mine is getting to be a real pain in the ass.

When my children were Aged 10 and 16 months of age, i had to make a big desicion in my life. The choice i made will impact them the rest of there life. What i am saying is, i should have been a better father. You see, i still feel shitty for giving my children up, not once, but twice. Thank God for there Mother! I dont know anymore. I feel as though maybe i should just leave them alone and let them be with there Mother. I dont know how to handle this pressure of raising children. I'm confused!

Please God help me! I want you to know that I'm OK, for the most part i think about my children each and every day. I want to cry when i think about there lovely little faces. Man what a fucking idiot i feel right now. I dont understand my whole fucked up life. Please God help me! Please let me just go lay in the grass.

Confused but still Hope
Tim Barber

HOPE

Hello again,
Today's blog is about hope. What is hope? Why is there hope? Where is hope? When will i find hope? I don't know if i have all the answers to these questions but i believe we all look for a little hope now and then in our lives. For me, i truly believe that i need a lot of hope to carry me through a lot of my days. The hope that i will eventually see my kids. The hope that i will eventually be in my own place. the hope that my life will be filled with good things surrounding me. the hope that i will conquer my addiction. Lately i feel as though i have been a little hard on myself due to some minor setbacks that i would like to talk to you, my reader, about.

For the most part of the last couple of weeks i have managed to stay clean and sober, however there was a few times where i went out and used. Now i know your probably thinking i went and used crack cocaine but it was actually only marijuana. Yes i smoked some weed. I in some way actually feel that it is better that i smoked weed then actually going out and doing crack. although i still know that i should be staying away from all drugs and alcohol.

There is a point in every ones life where they need to make decisions, for me it should be an easy decision to just say NO to all forms of drugs. This is not easy for me and i am trying very hard to control my every urge to use. Its not been that bad lately, and i have not used in the last week. I am however still beating myself up over my past usage of weed and i really shouldn't be.

I hope that i can continue to write great blogs for all to read and sometimes i feel as though nobody really cares. I still continue to write because for me it is very therapeutic and it helps me to carry on with what i would say has been a very difficult life at times.

The latest of my thoughts has been on when my lawyer will actually get my children back in my life. I constantly think of my children and at times i think so much about them that it actually gives me bad headaches. Its not that its bad thinking about my children and wanting to be back in there lives, its just that i think that i am scared of the day in which i will actually meet them once again and the way they will handle the situation. I am probably worried for nothing, but i am truly scared and i almost just want to run away from the whole situation. I can only hope that i will continue to stay strong and continue to try and be the best version of me i can possibly be.

A quick question for all my fathers out there. How would you handle seeing your children after four years of being away from them? i am in need of support in this matter and i hope that with your help i can focus on what i will say and what i will do when my moment finally comes. the reason i ask this question now is because my lawyer goes to court in Red Deer on Monday the 19Th to see about getting my access put back in place and i am getting very antsy about this. I don't know if i can handle this and i need support now more then ever.

I am probably rambling on but it feels better to know that i do have people out there that actually care about me. It would be hard for me to imagine where my life would be without this blog. This blog has given me a purpose in life and a reason to get up each and every day. I am not saying my life is easy but it is getting better with time.

Being homeless has its up and down days. For example, on Canada day i wanted to go take part in the celebrations at Olympic Plaza but when i went over there i felt out of place. I looked around and all i could see were families together and this just made me depressed. The same thing happened when i wanted to go to the Stampede Parade. to me, it just doesn't feel the same without my children in my life.

It is my hope that you, my reader, has a fantastic time this year at the Calgary Stampede and that you have good health all summer long. I would like to mention that i still continue to pray for the return of my children in my life someday soon, and i also pray for you, my reader. I know that there are still some of you out there praying for me and i would ask that you continue to pray for me and my children. I can feel things changing in my life day by day and i hope that my blogs have changed a small part of you and the way that you think of the homeless.

I am going to say good bye for now and i hope you will continue to read all my blogs and if you can, find a friend or relative to become a follower on my blog.

Thanks for lending me your ear,
Hope is everywhere,
Tim Barber
I find plenty of hope with you, my reader.

New Blog Soon

Hello to all my followers, I know that you have all been waiting for my next blog and I can assure you that it will be coming soon. I have been busy doing some volunteer work at the Salvation Army and I am currently working on a new blog that will be one of the best yet! So, please let all your friends and family know about this blog as I would still like to reach a total of 50 followers in the near future. I know that with your help, this will be a fairly easy task. I will be posting a blog within the next week. I look forward to your comments at that time.
Write at you soon,
Tim Barber
Homeless with Hope

Passion And Purpose

Being an addict, I always have to be careful of my thoughts and feelings. every day can bring new obstacles and sometimes even something pleasant.

I'd like to share some of those thoughts and feelings with you, my reader.

I'd like to start with my feelings. Lately, actually for the past couple of weeks I've actually started to relax and enjoy every day life. My feelings have been, well, let's just say that I haven't been feeling angry, sad, frustrated or any kind of negative feelings for the better part of the previous two weeks. Ive been kind, caring compassionate and down right happy.I believe there is a good explanation for this.

First, I think the medication I'm taking is actually taking effect. The medication I am taking by the way is Celexa an anti-depressant.

The second reason for my change I would have to say is due to you, my reader. It seems as though I have actually gained some followers in the last couple of weeks and actually connected with some. I also think that you, my reader are praying for me and for my good health. So, for you who have been praying for me a big thank you goes out to you and I hope you will continue to keep me in your prayers.

One of the other reasons for my happiness is due to a reader of mine that I actually had the opportunity of meeting for coffee last week. This reader knows who they are, and I want to say thank you and your beautiful daughter for making not only my day but my weekend. I hope that you had a wonderful Fathers Day. By the way, that goes for all my fellow Daddy's out there.

Now, as for my thoughts. Up until a couple of weeks ago my thoughts were divided between many things and to give you an idea of some of these thoughts, I figured I would list them to give you a general idea.

Thoughts of using, of seeing my children, whether I will ever see them again, whether i will ever have my own place, where will I get my next meal from, where is my life going, will I die at an early age like my Mother and Sister, will I ever work again, will I ever be in another relationship, will I ever be married, etc... etc... etc...I think you get the point. However, lately my thoughts are more geared towards looking forward in life and trying to be the best version of me I possibly can. I am not worried about what direction my life is taking me and I just go with the flow. All this and still I am not using.

As a final thought i would like to mention that I am now volunteering at the Salvation Army in the kitchen. I am also continuing with my counselling and life is good.

I do hope you liked this newest blog and I look forward to all of your comments whether they are good or bad. Please feel free to comment as often as you like. Also, I would recommend that you go further back to the beginning of all these blogs and comment on some of the other authors. By the way, keep up with the prayers and God Bless!

Tim Barber
You, My Reader give me HOPE
I think we all need a little HOPE
KEEP ON READING!

From My Book

I thought that maybe for a change,, I am going to share a small potion of my book with you, my reader.... I hope you like what you read and please feel free to leave comments... My autobiography should be complete by the end of this year....I hope that you will reserve a personal copy for yourselves....ENJOY!!!!
It’s Monday morning and I'm listening to Air Supply on my new MP3 player. It’s actually very soothing, for I haven't heard them for many years, except now and then over the years on the radio. It really does bring back a lot of memories, both good and bad.
I just started another addiction program at the Salvation Army Center Of Hope in Calgary, Alberta and I'm only meters away from where I used to use quite frequently so so many times. You see, Crack Cocaine was my so called drug of choice. I've actually always hated the term drug of choice, because I honestly had a choice and it was always the wrong choice doing crack. I have actually now been clean from Crack for just over three months, and although it’s a great accomplishment, I still feel I have a long, long way to go.
My story is going to take you on a journey of my life growing up from childhood to adulthood, to the position I am currently in, and I must warn you that there will be a lot of very graphic situations and details surrounding my life. I do hope that all that read this book will find at least one useful piece of detail from this book and apply it or not to your own life. So before I begin, maybe I should introduce myself!
Hi, my name is Tim Barber and I am an addict. This is my real name, and I will not be giving you true names of other people that will be mentioned throughout this book, but all facts will be true and I absolutely will not embellish any part of this book as I feel the garbage that I put up through life is enough in itself to make someone puke. Well, maybe that’s getting a little carried away, but this you will have to decide for yourself. Now if you’re already thinking about putting this book down,,, DONT, just don't you fucking dare!! I have a lot of good stuff coming up. Sorry, but I think my story is worth telling and I truly believe that you will ultimately get something out of it.
I grew up in Toronto, actually Rexdale to be more precise. Then again, I moved around so much as a child, you could sort of say I grew up for the most part in Southern Ontario. You see, my Mother had five children by the time I was six or seven. Sorry, but sometimes dates are going to a little foggy at times, and you'll understand why as my story progresses. I was the oldest of would later be five other brothers and sisters. Their names from oldest to youngest were Robyn, Dougie, Garry, Jamie and Holly.
I thought I would mention quickly that there may be times throughout my story that I will talk about things that are going on at the present time. I wont know exactly when this will happen, as every day is different, however, I do have something to say about my day right now.
I just told my story of my life to about twenty other addicts in class today, and I am shaking all over, not to mention that Air Supply is bringing back a flood of memories and sadness. I should turn off this fucking crap, but I can’t because this hurt feels so good! Is that weird or what? I just want my old fucking life back, and in order to do that, I needed to start all over. God, how I miss my children. Yes, I am a father. I have a boy and a girl. Their names are Tyler and Destiny. To this point all names have been real. I haven't seen them or heard from them in about two and a half years to three years. They are forever in my mind though, and I am just finally making steps to get them back in my life. This however may take some time, and I look forward to the time I will be able to see them and love them once again.

Tim Barber,
HOPE for the HOMELESS

UPDATE

I figured it was about time to write a new blog and fill all you readers in on what is currently happening in my life. I would first like to thank all those who have commented on some of my posts and encourage you to continue leaving comments. It is actually helping me very much with my recovery. My last post was asking for prayer, and I thank each and every one of you who have been praying for me to continue as I continue on my recovery journey. I actually have been staying clean every day I see a new comment on my blogs. I find it to be a big motivator for me to continue to stay clean and sober in hopes of a brighter future.

Even though I am still currently considered to be homeless, I am actually paying rent. I am currently in a paid room at the Center Of Hope at the Salvation Army. However, in my opinion I feel more independent and at least it is a step up. My next step is to take part in some counselling that I have lined up starting tomorrow. The second step is to try and get into my own place out of the downtown area.

I can tell you this though, it ain't easy being homeless. Some of you may think that its easy because we get a roof over our heads and three meals a day. However, in my position I now have to pay for all of my own meals. There is no more handouts, I have to go to some of the free food places to get a good meal. Of course, being a smoker doesn't help my matters much. Anyway, I don't mean to vent but I tend to get frustrated and bitter, I am just so sick and tired of being homeless and really do want to be in a place I can call my own.

I hope that all my readers can continue to read my blogs and I would like to encourage each and every one of you to find a friend or family member and invite them to become a follower, my goal is to try and have 50 followers by the end of June. I know that with your help I can achieve this simple goal. I will make a commitment to you to continue to write a blog, and the more followers I get the more blogs I will write.

Again, I want to thank each and every one of you and please continue to pray for me, I really appreciate what this forum has done for me.

Tim Barber
Homeless Still; Gaining HOPE With Every Day.

Prayer Please

I"m having some rough times these days. I am constantly thinking of my children and of finally being in a place of my own. It feels like I will never accomplish these things. I have been homeless now for 4 years and it seems as though I will be homeless forever and without my children for eternity. I am now trying to deal with another issue in my life that has been haunting me for over 14 years. My doctor has even put me on an anti-depressant. I hope that will help but I have my doubts. I have even tried praying to God to ask for guidance and find even this simple task to difficult. All I really ask is to be free of this homeless situation and to be able to talk to my children once again. Oh, how I miss them so! Are these impossible requests? You would think not! However, I still seem to be struggling in my life at the present time.
Today, I ask for my readers to help me with a simple request, PRAYER. If you could see it in your heart to say a little prayer for me the next time you are talking to God, it would be greatly appreciated. Just a simple prayer to help me through a trying time. I just feel so all alone and am struggling to find the courage to continue in my recovery. I thank you all for reading my blogs and hope that they will get better with time.
Thanks,
Tim Barber
Homeless but not without some HOPE

Gift Cards/For Better Times

I thought that I would see if there is anyone out there that might have some old or new gift cards or certificates that they may not be using. I am just looking for gift cards or cetificates you will not use. The reason I am requesting this is because I would like to be able to treat myself to a movie or a coffee or even to buying some clothes for myself. Basically what I am looking for is cards like Tim Hortons, The Bay, Cineplex, Starbucks, Zellers, Marks Work Warehouse, Safeway, and even Sobeys or any kind of card or certificate. Even if you have already used a portion of these cards then thats ok. I dont care if there is only a couple of dollars on a card.The more cards I receive the better I will start to feel and the more I will be able to treat myself more humanely. The truth is, I dont feel the greatest these days. I no longer am working because I have some other issues in my life that I need to deal with. So I will not be working for some time to come. If you are able to help with this request, it would be greatly appreciated. It would surely go a long way. I would also want to be able to take other homeless men and woman out to have coffee or a movie or whatever for that matter. Again, any card or certificate you may have,, please send to:
Tim Barber
420-9th Ave S.E
Calgary,AB
T2G 0R9

Thanks,
Tim Barber
Homeless but regaining HOPE

Just A Thought

It's so nice to be able to see my kids laughing and playing. It has been a really long time since I have been able to be involved in their life. I am making lunch for them, something I thought I would never do again. Then later in the day we will go swimming and I can enjoy more of their laughing and playing. Its later in the day and we plan on having company over, there is a couple I know and they have kids my childrens age coming over for dinner. Its my chance to entertain and have some actual adult time. It seems as though I dont get a lot of that anymore, now that the kids are back in my life. its almost bedtime and I am going to read them a bedtime story, something that I really enjoy doing for them, except that sometimes it puts me to sleep.
Oh, how I wish this was'nt just another one of those daydreams I had. Unfortunatley, it is. This is just a part of my many daydreams that I have been having.
I think that every body dreams a little, and for someone that is homeless, we dream of better times ahead. I know for me i only dream of the time I eventually get to spend time with my children. I dont daydream about being rich but of just not being homeless anymore.
My question to you the reader is just to know what it is that a person with a home actually daydreams about? Its something that is a curious thing to me, only because I have been homeless now for 4 years.
Tim Barber
Homeless but trying not to become HOPELESS

Relapse

I thought I would update you on my circumstances. I really screwed up last Friday night, I ended up going out and having a few beer and then wound up using crack once again after actually having 3 and half months of clean time. I can tell you first hand that addiction is very powerful and it got a hold of me and I wound up falling. I now need to pick myself up and try and learn from my mistakes. I really thought that I was doing well and that I was becoming cured, and boy was I wrong. Addiction has been a part of my life for about 25 years now and I have to remember that if I don’t stop everything completely, I will never have what I would call a normal life. Then again, what really is a normal life? I just want to be able to have all the good things. I guess the biggest thing I am missing in my life is my children. I think that if I continue to use drugs or alcohol, then I will never have them back in my life. I think that a part of me was saying that I could eventually go out and have a few beers without thinking about using crack cocaine. I found out that I can not use any kind of mood altering drug, whether it be alcohol or even weed for that matter. Anything I use chemically will end up with me using crack and this is not the direction I want my life going. I want to continue to write for this blog and continue my pursuit of finishing my autobiography. I hope that I will not have another relapse any time in the near future, and I hope to learn from my mistakes and look forward in life. I thank all those that read my blog and hope you will continue to read articles from one of our 4 authors. I look forward to writing more in the near future.
Talk with you soon.
Tim Barber,
Homeless but not without HOPE

VIGNETTE1

As a person who has experienced different degrees of 'homelessness' in several countries the question of money and other material and nonmaterial resources
has been a chronic pre-occupation and source of continuing grief for me; or, rather it is really the problem of consistently securing such resources that plagues me.

Since returning to Canada more than 7 months ago my primary issue has been the maintenance of my basic needs which include such 'things' as shelter, food, security, health care, 'peace of mind' and different kinds of social support, which range from friendship, to solidarity with others and on to spiritual needs.

The majority of my time during these past 7 months, thus, began and remains with a serious pre-occupation with securing a flow of money that serves my basic needs; that is, nothing less and nothing more.

For the first six months since returning to Canada, I was gratefully supported by government monies, which covered my rental and my incidental expenses while living at the shelter facility.

Quite recently, moreover, I was very fortunate to acquire a new place to live whose housing quality is so drastically different from my earlier months when I was living in the shelter facility. My new apartment is very comfortable for me and allows for a greater level of independence in my lifestyle and everyday decisions.

Commonly, the kind of basic or subsistence level support I was receiving while living in the Shelter facility usually continues even if the client moves to a new place of residence; provided all other conditions remain normal or properly addressed under the terms of the individual client assistance framework.

Once the relevant housing authority accepted my application for housing, the government funder was then formally notified, in advance, by the new apartment manager in the form of a 'rent request’ in my name, which stated the start-date of my tenancy. The rental costs, in question, were remarkably lower than those of my first home at the Shelter facility.

As it turned out, the government department mysteriously ignored the 'advance rental request' sent to them from the new apartment manager and continued to send my rental monies, 3rd party method, to my original residence at the Shelter. Remember, too, that I no longer lived at the Shelter and so sending 'full rental assistance' to that former location was redundant and unnecessary.

Meanwhile, through the necessity of signing my residential lease, I was required to make rental payment for my new apartment out of my own very meager ‘pocket’ /pool of funds. So, despite having almost no money or resources for meeting other basic needs, I paid for my first month of rent, leaving me essentially with no cash to apply to other basic needs, including food expenses.

Of course, in my mind, fixing such a matter seemed to be a relatively straightforward one with which to deal. I could not have been more misguided in failing to appreciate the journey required to retrieve this rental money. To date, I have still not recovered the portion of monies I paid for my new apartment; a serious situation that I can ill afford to ignore.

It is rather unusual to note that the management of my new apartment understands and acknowledges the 'bind' in which I find myself, but the shelter facility service staff find it difficult to understand nor seem able to empathize with my situation and plight.

The Shelter facility is the place that received my full rental monies, in error, and is the site whose staff refuse to problematize my need to recover these monies. It is these very same workers who now seem to be 'mystifying' the fate of these rental monies. One shelter staff member, acting as the 'accountant', consistently assured me that the original government rental assistance cheque had indeed been returned to the government department by 'return post'. Yet, over the course of a longer 30 day period, no formal trace could be made of this returned cheque within the government tracking and information system, at either the regional or local office locations.

Quite recently, the provincial government department in charge of administering and distributing this assistance money has, in fact, identified some of the facts related to the fate of my rental assistance that was sent to the Shelter, as a third-party disbursement.

It appears that the particular rental cheque, in question, was cashed by the Shelter facility’s regional accounting centre on a particular date in early March, 2010. It is also reasonably clear, from available details and exchanges with staff, that the Shelter seemed to deduct nothing from this cheque based on an assumption and acceptance of the fact that I had no debts outstanding with the Centre.

I would like to make clear that I don’t believe that the shelter facility is actually malevolent and calculating in their dealings with clients, but clearly something is wrong with the overall management structure and operation when this kind of a basic and systematically unjust practice remains undetected and ‘unvoiced’ by relevant staff.

As of the date of this writing, this writer struggles to retrieve these assistance monies from the Shelter, which are resources belonging to the provincial government and to himself, as a former client. Several more senior staff members at the Shelter, who have knowledge of this matter, have conceded that a shelter facility accepting and withholding ‘assistance monies’ in this manner for over one month are acting in a fraudulent manner, and the organization itself and certain members of its staff could be subject to serious legal action.

The writer, himself, will continue to pursue this search for and retrieval of these rental assistance monies properly belonging to the provincial government and to himself. As a person whose status until very recently was ‘homeless’, the ‘silence’ and blatant lack of action to return these monies by the Shelter, as a humanitarian organization, is both disgraceful and amoral in scope and practice.

Written by Viscount



*************************************************

Working

Its blog time once again! Sorry I have not been blogging much lately and that will now change.
I started a new job just a couple of weeks ago and I am working the night shift, I actually start work at 7 PM and finish anywhere from 3-6 in the morning. So, needless to say I have been getting used to this new schedule in my life. I really enjoy my new job and I am happy to say that life is progressing in a manner in which I hope to no longer be homeless any more. In my opinion, writing on this blog has brought out a part of me that is genuine and honest and actually I am impressed with the difference I am seeing in my own life because of it. It is hard to explain, but I feel as though this blog has in a way saved my life! I now have a purpose and a passion, and I hope that I can continue to write things that are worthy of a good blog. I know you probably think I am rambling on, but before for this blog I really felt like I was a nobody and that has all changed since then. Anyway, I hope that in some way I can help in any way I can to enlighten all my followers and many more in the days to come, and I do look forward to seeing all the comments on all of our blogs as it gives me strength to hear what each and every one of you has to say, regardless if I like what you have to say or not. Besides, isn’t that what a blog is all about? I am personally still learning.

Talk with you soon,
Tim Barber
Homeless but not without HOPE!

Homeless in Calgary Part 8: Smokers

"Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette..."
"I smoke 'em because ... I Can't Quit" (instead of "I like 'Em")

In a lifetime, a smoker spends enough money to buy a house. (Even with the excessively high prices of homes and rent in Calgary, the increased taxes on tobacco products make that still true.)

Smokers used to be considerate of non-smokers, but that is rarely true today. They defiantly smoke in the presence of non-smokers, even though medical experts have proven in research that second-hand cigarette smoke is just as harmful to the health of non-smokers as smoking is to smokers. Does Health Canada have any legislation or regulations to protect non-smokers? No. Instead, they just explain how smokers should be more considerate of non-smokers. Which not only is not enforcable, but will only happen when something freezes over (such as all tobacco plants around the world).

Non-smokers have to walk through polluted clouds of smoke, as smokers stand beside doorways, or right in the middle of the pathway. And when smokers finish their outdoor break, they inhale a last cloud of smoke into their lungs, and bring it back inside the building, to pollute everyone's air. Or they smoke on C-train platforms, and bring the fumes into the train cars. Or their clothes reek of tobacco tar from their heavy smoking.

Smokers still smoke in the washrooms of shelters, as they are apparently too lazy to walk outside and back. Not only does this leave second-hand smoke in the air-conditionning to harm non-smokers, it is a flagrant violation of a city bylaw and is also a violation of fire regulations. A newspaper article claimed that a major condo fire that left 300 persons homeless was probably caused by a careless smoker. Surprisingly, the condominium owners or managers were reluctant to sue the smoker to recover the damages caused to both them and the other tenants. Why aren't there laws making smokers financially accountable for the consequences of their sloppy habit, inside buildings, and outside where they cause numerous grass and forest fires each year.

Why doesn't Security help enforce the posted "5 metres from building" city bylaw signs at the entrance to and on the outside walls of the shelter? Because they are also smokers.

Non-smokers are subjected to tobacco fumes as they walk along sidewalks in front of buildings in the city. Why don't bylaw officers give them fines and tickets, both for smoking and for littering? Is it because bylaw enforcers also smoke?

Smokers believe that the world is their ashtray. Proof of this is seen around us, with large numbers of butts left on patios, sidewalks, entryways, grass in public parks, at intersections, and at C-train stations. Once again, these thoughtless and lawless people have no respect for anything other than their disgusting, selfish habit.

In the Drop-In Centre (DI) lunchroom, many persons tear apart butts that they picked up from the ground or outdoor containers, so that they can manufacture cigarettes to smoke from the remaining grains of tobacco. Not only is this practice more hazardous to their health, but a major unhygienic risk to other diners. And rolly papers or cigarette tubes cost money.

Cigarette smokers should face the facts. Their habit does not give them higher social status or wealth, as the only persons getting very wealthy are the owners of tobacco companies and those in the sales and distribution chain. A former work colleague of mine confessed that he really only enjoyed two of the cigarettes that he smoked during the day; the first one in the morning and the last one at night.

One would think that the picture of someone smoking a cigarette (on TV) through an esophageal opening in their neck would shock people into realizing how hazardous smoking is to their health. But apparently that has not stopped the thousands who can be seen smoking on the streets.

Only recently, perhaps as a direct result of the recession, have companies realized how much smoke breaks taken frequently by employees robs them of productivity.

When will the shelters realize that the frequent trips outside and inside the building by smokers compromise the security of the building for the other tenants? Trespassers and thieves can enter the building by tailgating the smokers, or by using social engineering to lead security or staff to believe that they belong.

And does the DI realize how many financial donors that they lost by including the "smoking balconies" in their new building? And that the double-door airlock between the balcony and the lunch room does little to prevent cigarette smoke from entering the room?

Perhaps homeless smokers should be required to live inside industrial chimneys.


Written by Anonymous45

Homeless in Calgary Part 7: Appearance

Part of the stigma that the public has towards homeless people is the appearance of many of the persons that they see --- the stereotype of unshaven, long messy hair, with poorly-kept clothing, and backpacks or shopping carts.

I was a bell-ringer for the Salvation Army during one Christmas season. I was dressed in a business suit.

I had decided to apply some suggestions that I had read for salesmen, even though I generally am not a salesman. I kept standing, rather than sitting, so that I was on the same level as the people walking by. When I established eye contact, I wished the person "Merry Christmas". While many continued to walk by without responding, some answered.

Someone asked me how long I had been working for the Salvation Army. I replied, "I just started," which was partly true. I realized then that for most of the public, their only contact with the Salvation Army is with the bell-ringers that they meet.

The owner of the store where the computer student, who lived in my building, worked, did a double-take when he walked by and saw and recognized me, beside the kettle. He was surprised to see me there. (One day, when the student arrived to work in the store late, I started bawling him out, using some old lines I had heard. When the owner looked at me as he heard me, he noticed that I not only sounded like a boss, I looked like one, too.)

When a supervisor walked by to see how I was doing, he was impressed by the way that I interacted with the people and received donations. He tried to assign me another shift, but unfortunately the person who was scheduled to do it arrived.

Another homeless person, who had opted for pay instead of a volunteer position, sat low in his chair, and moved the kettle back and forth lazily with one foot.

I was later invited to a volunteer appreciation dinner, and I met one of my school teachers there, who was retired.

I realize that it can be a major challenge for many homeless persons to be clean, well-groomed, attractively-clothed, well-mannered, and cheerful when they meet people in the street. However, improving their appearance will go a long way in dispelling the stereotype image that many of the public has about homeless persons.

Written by Anonymous45

Notice:

Partners Needed for Self-Sustaining Garden Project

Looking for motivated hard-working individuals to help create and maintain a community garden, where shares will be divided equally as produce is harvested and/or preserved.

Sweat equity required. All skills welcome.

Please respond quickly, as the number of people required is limited to the productivity of the space available (either outdoor or in a greenhouse).

To R.S.V.P., please leave a comment with your contact information.

- AlexS

Homeless in Calgary 6: Subsidized Accommodation

My early experiences with housing for homeless individuals was similar to an old "Perils of Pauline" melodrama.

I had made arrangements earlier in the day to move into a shared subsidized low-rent home, but did not arrive at the place until evening. I had not yet been provided a key, so I knocked on the door. There was no answer, even after repeated tries. One person in the dwelling later lied to the manager, stating that he was in the house at the time. But he did not explain why he did not answer the door. (In retrospect, it was probably better that I did not live there, as the house was used for drug dealing.) It was raining, and the rain got progressively worse. There was no roof over the outside of the entry, and I became wetter. Since I had no way to tell when the occupants would return home, I walked to a nearby hotel, drenched to the skin. As it was too expensive, I took a taxi to another hotel recommended by the first.

I was subsequently assigned to another house. Tenants included a "businessman" who tried to set up office in the common living room, for his business schemes. He had recently been hospitalized for a nervous breakdown. A construction worker and his girlfriend created a controversy after the couple broke up, as she behaved irrationally. The worker later brought home another woman, and they married each other. There was also a computer training graduate who was hired full-time after a practicum at a local store, but he later mysteriously disappeared. There was also a short-term stay from a person who had been in a mental institution, and he gave cause for concern about the safety of personal property in the residence.

When I moved to a building suite, the radiator had inexplicitly been removed. It was very cold in winter and at one point the open pipe for the radiator spewed rust and steam into the apartment. In the building, a furnace room door marked "Keep Closed" was propped open. There was also a storage room nearby, filled with cans of paints and solvents on shelves, rather than in required fireproof cabinets.

The landlord showed me another suite in another building. In the kitchen was a microwave oven but the metal cover had been removed and not properly replaced. A violation of Canada's safety standards, and a possible source of harmful microwave leakage if used.

Then I moved into the home that I was previously locked out of. One tenant monopolized the resources of the home, illegally obtained Internet access, broke into rooms, stole property from the rooms and yard, and invited the former liar resident to stay, against the residency rules. Another set of tenants were a drug addict (who was a thief to support his habit), his girlfriend, and their baby. He was supplied with methadone and watched videos all night. She was provided a place for her and her baby to stay, by one of her relatives. A couple occupied another room. The male threatened me with physical violence in the building, as well as in a government office that I regularly visited. After I reported the couple to the police, the police warned me that I could not stay in the house, for my own safety. A person offered me a place to stay while moving, rather than a stay in a homeless shelter dormitory. I stayed one night, and moved the next day.

The next home was half of a duplex, "super-insulated" the wrong way, so that it was infested with mold. I am unsure what the health consequences were from being exposed to that mold, which was air-borne. Another tenant was a woman suffering from asthma. Her son dated the former girlfriend of the construction worker. The three also invited an abusive female impersonator to stay, and I was physically assaulted by that person. (The police ignored me when I filed a complaint.) Another tenant in the building was a former prison inmate, and he did not choose to behave as if he had been rehabilitated in any way.

I applied to organizations that supplied subsidized residences, but was told that there were long waiting lists.

Even with rules in the contracts, shared accommodation residents frequently ignore and break those rules. While the government offers help in resolving disputes, I found that the agency is reluctant to actually do anything in response to complaints. I tried a mediation organization, but discovered that what I really needed was an arbitrator, not a mediator, as it is not always easy to logically reason with the other tenants.

Written by Anonymous45

Homeless in Calgary 5: Shaking

A while after I first became homeless, I started experiencing involuntary shaking of my hands and arms. It became so severe at times that I would just have a few seconds to lower a cup of coffee to the ground, to prevent me from splashing it over me and the floor. A quick test by a doctor revealed that it was not Parkinson's Disease. When I suddenly had an episode of shaking in her office, and bent down to put my cup on the floor, an employment counsellor told me what it was. At first, I didn't believe her, but the explanation fit what I was experiencing.

I have permanent physical conditions including a visual-motor handicap. I was sent by one agency that assists handicapped persons, to a specialist for testing and it confirmed that I was permanently handicapped. That handicap qualified me to become a client of an employment counselling agency for disabled persons in Calgary. When I identified aids that I required, they did not help me obtain them. Other requests were refused because it was "not within their mandate". I was subsequently abused by the agency. Apparently, "abuse" and "discrimination" are within their mandate.

The shaking episodes still continue. I have difficulty picking up drinks or meals without spilling them, and cannot easily pick up small items of food from my plate. I also cannot easily thread a needle to do my own sewing.

For a long while, I wondered what the long-term impact of the cause that the employment counsellor had told me would be. I now know, for I recently aquired multiple physical ailments which I did not have before, and they are getting worse (even life-threatening). While physicians may not agree, I believe that there is a direct correlation between the long-term chronic persistence of the cause, and my current state of health.

Homelessness does have a long-term impact on a person's health, both physically and mentally. I believe that with early intervention, the effects can be reversed, as with other illnesses and disease.

Written by Anonymous45

Homeless in Calgary 4: "Give me Money, That's All I Want"

“I know at last what distinguishes man from animals; financial worries.”
-Romain Rolland

Financial Worries: When you are homeless or unemployed, banks and other financial institutions are very hesitant about dealing with you. The fact that you have dealt with them in the past (and helped to make them rich) while housed and employed means nothing --- you no longer exist to them. When you look at their annual earnings and reports, you will see that they care more about making obscene profits and paying their upper executives outrageous salaries than they care about serving the customers who provide them with their fortunes. What other company can put holds or delays on government pay cheques (which are supposed to be as good as cash), and get away with it?

For housing, you need money for either rent or mortgage. And the landlord or mortgage lender is quick to consequence you if you fail to pay on time. You can't get loans, credit is denied, and other alternatives which are magically available when you are housed and employed disappear from the table after the financial institution learns that you no longer qualify, if you are unemployed as well.

Government assistance is meagre at best, as they assume that you will join up with others in your plight and live in some communal arrangement, or in a chicken coop or dog house. (Maybe they find out what 1/10th of 1% of the population can live (exist) on, and assign that as the maximum payable allowance?)

Other financial institutions, such as financial service and insurance companies, as well as subsidiaries of foreign banks, are now offering the same services as banks. But with the same restrictions, in spite of their advertising claims.

There is a national store franchise chain that recently entered the financial business. They could not get a shorter company name because a business in Montreal already had it and refused to give it up. An individual has managed to set up a web site on the Internet with a shorter, derogatory version of their name, but the company has been unable to stop it. Next thing you know, the company will probably print up their own money!

A group in Ithica, New York, did print up their own money, and started using it for goods and services. The concept appealed to other poverty groups in Canada and the U.S. One drawback with such a system is when it is necessary to deal with a company that will only accept real money.

There have always been barter systems, for obtaining goods and services without money. But, these have generally been done on a small scale. Professionals such as dentists have participated in some cases. Government tax collectors have been trying to figure out how to collect taxes from barter transactions.

Years ago, the credit union movement was created as an alternative to the "usury" and other practices of the banking system. While credit unions still exist today, they are not as prevalent as they once were. This is probably due to the reduced savings and increased debt of citizens. (The big 6 may have also lobbied for regulations to restrict credit unions.) The credit unions rely on reserves from savings in order to be able to offer lower interest rates on loans and mortgages. International currency speculation and control has probably also affected them.

When companies put emphasis on profits and returns on financial investment over respect for human beings, it is difficult to find a simple solution to unemployment, poverty, and homelessness. Some enterprising individuals have tried to convince companies to include ethics in their vision, goals, and values statements. But ethics appears to be one of the first goals to be abandoned during a financial crisis or recession. And there is no place on financial statements for the fundamental rights of human beings, or for the consciences of financial and other company executives.

Until humanity is factored back into the Pro Forma equations, unemployment, poverty, and homelessness will continue.

Written by Anonymous45

Delivering the Message!

In the course of any given year, there are almost 2 million homeless within Canada and the United States. The basic necessities of a roof over your head and food to eat are not luxuries, these are necessities! And just the idea that almost 1 in 5 are children just breaks my heart. We dont have to wait for a cure or take hope that a scientist will some day find a cure. This is happening right now in our countries and we could easily end this with a snap of the finger! I am sure there are a lot of good people out there who would like to make a difference and sometimes we all need to deliver the message. Its about time that we set an example for the world to follow. C'mon Calgary, lets show them that we can end this homeless problem and the whole world will follow in our footsteps.

Lend a hand(this message is to those who care- and I know your out there.)
Tim Barber,
Homeless but not without HOPE

The Garden Project

Since my last blog I have been able to move into my own apartment in a seniors complex. Now, looking at things with a fresh perspective, I am finding that it is easier to look beyond homelessness and toward building a more satisfying life in a community where I feel accepted.

The ingredients for my ideal community already exist within a very short distance from where I am living in Calgary’s East village. The amenities that are most important to me would include access to a community garden, including greenhouse space and the ability to preserve, can and freeze our own produce. The end result, I hope, would also include regular access to a community kitchen.

Nicknames

When I reached the coffee station in the cafeteria where I live, a
young man replied to my request for tea. "Tea? Fit for a King.
The man who would be King." I told him that I would probably
only get to be a court jester. So, to him, I am "The Tea Jester."

I have been fascinated by the large numbers of ducks which
land in a park beside my residence. They are all mallards, and
come to eat bread thrown to them by other residents. The
ducks scramble for the chunks. After one grabs one in his bill,
another runs in at his side to grab what is visible and runs away
with it. If the first duck opens his bill to protest, another duck
will grab the morsel from inside it. If the duck is still upset, it
reaches around and nips the closest duck on the hindquarters.

I joked with another resident that the cooks would gather some
ducks and that we would find that one of the frequent Chef's
Special meals would feature mallard. The other resident, also
a writer, gave me the nickname, "Mallard."

Recently, while I was feeding the ducks some bread, three ofthe males walked toward me and sat down in front of me, one directly in front and one to each side, in a V formation.

I offered bread to the duck closest to me. He grabbed it, then
tossed it over his back. Other ducks further back rushed to
grab it and another feeding frenzy pageant unfolded.

The closest duck looked up at me, opened it's bill, and made
a sound. It was not a "quack".

I was puzzled by their unusual behaviour. Since I was not
familiar with their social customs and language, and did not
have my Berlitz "Mallard-English" dictionary with me, I left them.
Later, I pondered why they had met in front of me.

It finally occurred to me --- they had made me their "Duck King."
I could see myself dressed in a down robe, bright green on the
top, with a white band around the neck and black, grey and white below, with
my bright orange webbed running shoes. I held a bullrush
scepter with a dark brown hot dog on top, on a green staff.
I wore a duck crown, as I sat on a large water lily leaf, while
drinking "The King" tea from a yellow butter cup.

So, now I am "Mallard, the Duck King Jester." Unfortunately, it
doesn't sound quite so complimentary when it is called out in
drinking establishments. "My Lord, it's the (f--ing) Jester!"

It is quite amazing what one must endure, just to have
tea and quackers.

Homeless in Calgary Part 3

Can education help solve the recurring problem of additions in the homeless people?

ADDICTIONS are a common occurrence among homeless people. For some, it is a contributing cause to their homeless state. For all, it is an escape from reality. But what they use for that escape generally offers only short-term effectiveness followed by long-term after-effects.

The truth is that none of these addictions allow the person to escape from themselves, nor does it rescue them from an undesirable state such as homelessness or poverty.

I am going to review some of the common addictions, but this list is by no means complete.

Tobacco- I am not sure what kind of high state smokers get from nicotine, but I do know that it is addictive and is a difficult drug to stop using, for most people. Part of the reason for smoking is the myth portrayed by advertising and shows, that the person's self-esteem and lifestyle will be enriched by using it. The truth is that the only ones who get rich are tobacco companies.

Alcohol- Ethanol is a poison, and many of the flavour ingredients in alcoholic beverages are toxic chemicals. When ingested, alcohol first heightens perception and the senses, but that effect only lasts a few short minutes. A hangover follows, as the chemical affects the brain, and the liver attempts to filter it from the blood stream. Heavy use can damage the body chemistry.

Drugs- Most drugs taken by those with addictions affects the brain chemistry. Like alcohol, the user will experience a "high" state for a short while, followed by a hangover state of "withdrawal" as the body tries to correct the chemical inbalance. Generally, increases in dosage are needed to get the same effect, until the level of dosage causes permanent damage to the brain or other organs. All of the above assumes that the users are taking pharmacy-grade versions of the drug chemicals. Sadly, that is rarely the case with street drugs.

The real danger is in the distribution system. To get more profit, the distributor adds other ingredients when they subdivide (or "cut") the original drug that they have received. Some added chemicals may be harmless, such as powdered milk, corn starch, icing sugar, or talcum powder. But the distributor could use any chemical available at hand, and some may be poisonous. If the distributor creates the product in a crude chemistry lab, how can the users be certain that the correct proportions of ingredients were used? Or whether or not the distributor added another chemical as a catalyst to speed up the production reaction? (Such as adding benzene to create overproof alcohol.) And has the distributor only a high school chemistry education instead of a university one, or did he get the recipe and instructions from other distributors or the Internet?

There is no guarantee of what buyers are really getting for their money, unless they have a chemistry lab of their own to test the product.

Therefore, the practice of buying illicit drugs on the street is still referred to in the same way that it was many years ago. Dope- what the buyer is putting his trust in and buying from a stranger, or Dope- what the buyer really is for purchasing drugs from other than a pharmacist at a drug store.

Other addictions: an excessive involvement in, to the exclusion of everything else:

gambling, Internet, video/arcade games, role-playing games, sports, movies, sex trade

The first thing to go into these addictions is the rent money (or credit rating). Those who are addicted revert to crime to feed their habit, generally getting ten cents on a dollar value for whatever they steal. And the increased amount that they need to get the same effects increases their involvement in crime. Because their health can be adversely affected, they are prone to illnesses and can have permanent damage to their bodies.

So, the big challenge is, how do we educate the persons who are prone to seek addictions to fill the empty parts of their lives? How do we convince them that none of the addictions really fulfill their needs or expectations; that none of them are worth the expense and risk to health and finances; that they are all illusions of the real thing that they pretend to be?

Homeless in Calgary Part 2

I discovered that Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs explained what happened during homelessness. Although psychologists are horrified that very young people are trying to take the model too literally, I found it to be relevant. The lower levels of the hierarchy include Food, Shelter, and Security. Most of a person's energy is needed for survival tasks whenever any of those lower levels are affected. The tasks include fitting in with the shelter's rules, fixed meal and residence schedules, and finding places where you are welcome to stay during the day, during inclement weather or holidays. This leaves less energy and resources to spend on higher levels in the hierarchy.

I was encouraged to develop a plan to get out of the shelter, but found a high plateau that I had to overcome to do that. Limited welfare support payments, higher than normal rents and transportation costs, and higher meal costs keep people locked into the system. Government sponsored agencies cannot supply all of the needs, as they claim that it is not within their mandate. Most of the agencies are the same, including those that are part of government and those private ones.

I was frequently confused about when to submit the welfare report card, whether to hold it until month-end just in case an employer hired, or to send it in earlier. Government case workers were too quick to close the case file, and there was a waiting or delay period to get it reopened. Some intake workers refused to accept the situation the client was in, stating that there were plenty of jobs. Many of the jobs advertised pay too low to afford rent, and a lot of them are duplicates of the same position rather than separate jobs. Many demanded qualification papers which I do not have, even though I am capable of doing the work. (One government employee gave me a very derogatory response when I told him I could do the work without going through a trades apprenticeship program, as he had done.)

Several months later, after attending numerous courses on resume writing, interviews, and job applications, I was informed that Calgary is a networking city when it comes to employment. Who you know is more important than what you know. Which is all very well for some personality types, but not for this INTP.

I wished to re-enter and continue in the computer career that I have been in for 30 years. But I found that it was an uphill battle convincing government support agencies that I needed upgrade training. After I finally got approval for training, I was held off for another 9-10 months because the educational institution had "insufficient enrollment" for the program. There is a problem that educational institutions do not offer what is needed at the time that it is needed. Plus those agencies that do offer training at the right time, only offer training for entry-level positions, which is not a suitable match for persons with previous experience.

Although I am able to learn the information that is offered in courses on my own, potential emloyers will not accept that. They want to see the wallpaper from educational institutions, even if it not worth the paper that it is printed on.

The government-subsidized apartment allowed me to follow a plan to upgrade my education and get re-employed. However, an over-controlling landlord and her equally ignorant supervisor interrupted my occupancy by refusing to renew my lease. This in turn interrupted the employment recovery plan, and left me in a very vulnerable hardship situation during a recession that was not of my doing.

Therefore, lower levels of Maslow's Heirarchy were not met, I became homeless again, with uncertainty of where I can live. Everything in life other than basic survival is on hold again. I am uncertain about the future, and the economy and recession and cheap employers do not help.

Additionally, while I was declared to be as physically fit as a 20-year-old 3 years ago, my health has now degraded to the point where I have Diabetes type 2, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. When I was referred to a nutritionist for diet information, I realized that it would cost me 4 times what I was paying for my previous diet, and that does not include the price for medications. So maybe that is the solution to my problem, a drastically shortened life span, with no medical plan to support me.

Homeless in Calgary Part 1

As I walked along the sidewalk to downtown, I felt as if a floor had been pulled out from under me. A few months earlier, I had a full-time job, until my position was outsourced. Two part-time survival jobs I obtained ended abruptly. With the loss of income, and a meager support from Employment Insurance, my savings were depleted rapidly. I could no longer afford to pay rent, received an eviction notice, had to move out. A church group helped me secure my belongings, many of which are impossible to reaquire. I had applied for jobs, but received no offers.

My "home" was gone, although with all the moves during my life, I no longer know what a real home is like. All I had was a few bags that I could carry.

I have never been able to live like some of the street people, finding abandoned buildings, living in parks with makeshift shelters, sleeping under bridges or trees. The closest I have come is tenting out in almost-wilderness, but then I had a tent, camp-stove, sleeping bag, and a car to retreat in when weather was too nasty. And only during a few days of vacation. Sharing the outdoors with a bear and stampeding free-range cattle was less threatening than being in close proximity to some of the more anti-social and overly-aggressive street persons in Calgary.

I was alone on the street, with nowhere to live, and no-one in my social network was able to provide short-term accommodation. I was homeless, within a city that had such visible signs of prosperity that homelessness should be impossible. I was anxious, worried about where my next meal would come from, or how long I could survive in this hardship condition.

Another church staff person suggested the Booth Centre. I visited it, but was refused accommodation. Later in the evening, I went to the Drop-In Centre. They sent me in a bus to Sundance. I had no idea where it was, and was thankful that there was a bus to return me to the DI in the morning. I discovered they had Internet stations, but when I finally got to use one, they told me that it was too late. No email access to contact other people.

I had to juggle my daily schedule around the available mealtimes at DI (and later at Booth). This made the time available for job search shorter, and errands took longer. At one meal, I met a person who I knew previously in another city. She was on her way to Lethbridge, but was familiar with the DI. She told me about a line-up after supper for a ticket to sleep on the 3rd floor, so I stayed there overnight.

The person who suggested Booth phoned them to prearrange accommodation, so when I enquired again, I was accepted.

I stayed in a room with 9 other tenants. They had us leave the shelter during the day, unless we got special permission. Two young men must have managed that permission, for they stayed in the room during the day and went through other persons' belongings to see what they could steal. Before I could purchase a lock for my locker, two bags were stolen, containing my cellphone charger and personal papers. Without a charger, my phone became unusable, and employers could no longer contact me. (I later bought another cellphone and charger. During a rainstorm where I was soaked to the skin, my cellphone got wet and made beeping noises. After I dried it out, it would no longer charge the battery. I had to use the second phone to recharge the battery.)

I was stressed out, and frequently harassed and intimidated by the other clients there. The security people present were no help. In fact, one of the guards was visually impaired, so I wondered how he could be at all effective in his job. One evening, someone was repeatedly throwing a large knife into the ground in front of the entrance. I had to pass the group he was with to enter the building. I also found the blades from jackknives and steak knives on the washroom floor, as well as some kind of brass knuckle type weapon made by bending a long-tined dinner fork to make four blades. I found it difficult to sleep during that time, but made sure that I was in the Centre before bed-check time, so that I would not lose my residency.

I had made friends with a restaurant owner, so I had an alternate place for meals. It also helped me maintain social contact with people other than the shelter inhabitants or staff.

I tried to get computer access through DI, after seeing ads, but their staff was not helpful in arranging it. I had to depend on other places that were farther away, to keep up with job ads and mail.

I got a membership in Calgary Public Library, and spent a lot of time there. I reread old classics, as well as new books suggested by the Library. I researched Jane Jacob after I read her obituary in the newspapers. There were restrictions on what could be borrowed while I was living in the shelter.

I tried to conform to the Booth Centre rules, so made a plan, and tried to leave as soon as I could. I found that I qualified for a Government rent subsidy, and succeeded in finding an apartment that offered it. So, I only stayed in Booth for a month.

I needed a bed when I moved, and received a letter from Booth for a free set, but there was too much competition when a church member drove me to the distribution building, so I didn't get one. Instead, I received a spare mattress set from another friend.