Hello all, it has been some time now since I put a blog on and this is because I have been somewhat confused on where my life is going. I almost feel trapped in another persons body doing things that I don't really want to do. Its hard to explain because I cant really understand my own mind at this point of my life. I wish I could explain in further detail and I hope that you will understand that I have a lot issues I am trying to deal with and I feel all alone in this battle within myself. I want to reach out and ask for help but I am scared, very scared.
Since I was a child I always seemed to run away from all of my problems whether they were small or large problems. One of the biggest things I ran from was the sexual abuse that happened when I was a young child. This is something I continue to battle with throughout my life and continue to dwell on to this day. I never have found closure on this matter. I am hoping that one day I will be able to find the courage to seek out the proper counselling in regards to this matter. It actually makes me sick to my stomach thinking that these people that violated me may still be out there abusing other children.
There is sometimes the thought of actually hunting down any child molester and doing things to them to make them all pay for this abuse. Except it doesn't make any sense to me why I should even bother when my whole life is in a rut right now. Maybe I am rambling on, but I have a lot of pain still inside me and I don't know how to rid myself of these memories and shame. I feel all alone.
It is also very difficult because I haven't seen my children in too damn long and eve though things seem to be moving forward I don't know if I would be a good father when I have all these other issues to deal with. I am almost to the point of giving up on seeing them and just let them live out there life with just there mother. As much as I believe that I could put other matters behind me, I can never rid myself of the damage of addiction, I will always be an addict whether I stay clean or not.
The truth is I haven't been doing great in the staying clean part and its not like I am using all the time but when my thoughts become to much for me to handle, I turn to the one thing I always thought would help. Drugs or alcohol. It only happens when my head starts pounding after thinking about my past behaviors and I am slowly trying to put a handle on this situation. Once again, I feel like I am all alone and I don't know where or who to ask for help.
All I want is to be happy once again and I haven't felt real happiness in about four years. Actually the last time I felt real happiness was when I was with my children. I lost that happiness the day I handed my children over to the Children's Aid Society. I really really want my happiness back. Oh how I do love and miss my children and wish I could see them once again. I really don't know if this will happen. Only God knows and I hope that each and every one of you reading my blog today will turn to your loved one and give them a big hug and kiss and tell them you love them.
That's all for today, I need some time to myself.
May you never be alone!
Hope is dying.
Tim Barber
