Christmas Blues Once Again

Really , i don't know where to start. I sit here at a table at the Drop Inn center looking at about 150 or so others that are I presume homeless, just like me.

Here, as I sit, I wonder what ails each and every one of them. For me, there no question. My children!

Yes, I miss my children and it feels sometimes like I will never see them ever again.

When early December arrives, I tend to get very depressed and I cant seem to focus on anything in my life. Today is no different.

Of course, being homeless doesn't help my situation much at all.

October 23rd I became homeless once again and part of me is actually OK with this. What I mean to say is. Nobody controls me anymore. When I was in the Keys To Recovery Program, it seemed like i was being controlled. I was actually always thinking about my childhood, when the Government had full control over my life. I never liked it then and I surer the hell don't like it as an adult. I don't like being told what I can and cant do in my life. My life is my life!

Being homeless I actually control what will happen next in my life. It is actually a lot less stressful. At least less stressful then having to answer to the Keys program.

I have not lost complete hope, i will see my children again in the near future and I am presently working on a solution to my dilemma.

A few days have gone by...Now I am on a mat at the Mustard Seed Foothills Shelter. It actually blows me away to see so many familiar faces that were here last time I stayed here. I wonder why it is, why oh why are they still here?

However, I need to stop wondering about others and start working on straightening my own life out.

As I said earlier, this is a very tough time of year for me and it seems to get harder every year that goes by, especially not seeing my children in so very long. Some time I actually wonder if the world would be a whole lot better without me. Then I think about all the good I think I could do, if only i would get my life in order. There really is no easy solution. If there was, I would have already tried.

The biggest change in my life is coming up. I actually have a really great business idea in mind and want to start it first thing in the new year. January 2nd to be precise. If all goes well, I will not only be able to get a place of my own but a vehicle as well within a couple of months.

You see, on August 29th, my family lawyer informed me that the judge wants me to re-apply for access to my children in six months. At that time I must have a place, a job and a vehicle in which to travel back and forth to Red Deer with. Red Deer is where my children live. If you don't know already, their names are Destiny and Tyler.. I actually understand that the judge just wants to make sure that I can make it from Calgary to red Deer in order to have visits and I'm OK with that.


It will be very difficult to accomplish this in the next few months but dammit, I am determined. I want to see my children. I have plenty of motivation and I know I am capable.

I really don't know what else to share at this time. I will tell you all that I am not using and I am focusing on trying to get things together for my business idea. I would love to tell you more but I will save that for another blog.

I would like to wish you all a happy holiday and a great New Year. Please keep me in your prayers. If anything i would want for Christmas it would be the support that I have so often got from you, my reader. Please continue to be that support, because it really does help. Remember that comments are always encouraged and I look forward to more from this blog.

Thanks for letting me share!
Will post again soon.
Your writer,
Tim Barber