Homeless Winter

Here I am stuck in the same old rut. I think you know where I'm going with this. I will be straight up honest and tell you, I used. Its as simple as that and I truly am getting sick, sick and tired of my addiction. Sometimes I truly challenge that notion though. I believe that I also have some sort of fucked up brain.

Now that Ive got that off my back, lets just talk about what its been like for me lately.

I was doing really well up until Thursday night. Then for some reason which I am still trying to figure out happened. This probably doesn’t make sense and I hope to reach out and grab your attention, just bare with me.

I went for a walk tonight despite the very frigid weather. I needed to think. Its actually something in my life Ive always enjoyed doing. Just taking a walk and thinking about where my is leading. I sometimes even talk out loud like I'm having a conversation with myself. Don’t worry, I'm not crazy. At least I hope not. I think about all sorts of things, I basically let my mind wonder where it may.

While out on my walk I got to thinking about my children and about whats happening in their life. I wonder what its like to be a father to an 8 and 9 year old. I started thinking about all the interesting things they may be doing. I wonder what thy read, what they like, what they like to do and pretty well anything about them. Its been way to long. Then I started wondering what they would think about a dad that’s gets fucked up on crack. They would probably think dads a loser, and the yd be right. I start wondering how my life could have been if I still had the kids in my life.

Some days its very difficult to find any motivation to actually get out and do something. I'm actually having a difficult time trying to stay focused on this newest blog that you are currently reading. For me, writing these blogs relieves some of the tension that I have built up. In other words, its very therapeutic and that’s why I continue to write them.

Thursday i had 160$ by four o'clock in the afternoon and by 7 AM the next morning, I had barely enough to buy a coffee, but I still had a half pack of smokes. WooHoo!!
Crack will take every penny out of your pocket, quick. What the fuck is my problem? I so want to get my life turned around but I still don’t learn. I'm getting a lot frustrated with my way of thinking and living like I do, I'm sick of it. Why oh why do I put myself through such crap. I'm not trying to beat up on myself, I just want to try and find answers, its that simple.

The answers will have to come from within me. It also helps when I have support. That’s why you, my reader, are a very instrumental part in my journey. Right now I'm just stuck in the snow, so to say.

Wow, trying to stay focused but mind wandering. Actually listening to Jewel right now. She has a very soothing voice and I really like her music. Its hard to believe that she was once homeless. OK, gotta focus, gotta get back on track.

Why do I feel so blue, yet I feel a glimpse of hope. I'm actually almost crying and I really cant understand why sometimes I just get lost in emotional part of my brain, I don’t know how to explain it. Like I said, maybe I am crazy. NOT!

This may seem all fucked up to you, but it is now a week later and i really want to try and finish this blog and just get on with my miserable life.

OK, so i am being hard on myself and i think that it is a long time coming. I am not going to feel sorry for myself. I live a crazy life and i honestly wish it would end soon! By the way, i am not kidding. I really don't want to deal with anything anymore and hope that something gives. If something doesn't change soon, i will be just a another homeless memory that will be gone from your thought.


I no that i sound a little confused and that's OK because i really don't give a flying rats ass if anybody leaves comments or whatever anymore.


I have decided that i am going to start worrying about me and me only. No more thoughts of kids, no more worrying about what my day will bring, i am totally shutting down and am just going to try and get through another miserable winter in Calgary.


For all those that think i can beat this addiction, i am truly sorry but i cant, try and stop it. I am hooked and i don't think there is anything i can do to stop it, yet i keep living. WHY?? i feel like i have already died and i am already in Hell. That is the way it feels. Will i ever get out of this hell. I hope so. But i doubt it. i don't have the strength.

Where is my angel?
Where is my life?
What have i become?
Do i really deserve to live?
Does anyone care?
Do I care?
Do my kids even know i exist?
Would they care?

These are my remarks and i will not take them back!
Might talk to you soon, i will see!

Tim Barber
Homeless in Calgary

You, My Reader, Are Incredible

Hello to all my followers, I am doing very well and most important, I am staying clean and sober. Work is also going well and I am managing to make it every day with the help of my network of support.

It really is incredible to have such wonderful support from each and every one of you. I do hope you will continue to carry the message and bring me more followers as it brings me great hope for my future. I feel an incredible bond between you, my reader and myself.Just seeing all the wonderful comments that have been left on my blogs keeps me strong and willing to go yet another day without the use of drugs or alcohol.

I need to also send out a big thank you to Kim with walking with the homeless, she is my inspiration to help other people who are homeless. The work she does is incredible and i only wish i could be half the wonderful person she has become.

I have an incredible journey yet to come in my life and I tell you this, I look forward to each and every day as a new and improved version of myself. I actually already feel like a new person. I think it because I am really focused on keeping this blog alive and well and hope that you will always be a part of my journey. I have the strength of all of you and that is what keeps me going strong.

I really hope that by the end of the week I may be able to post the pictures of my children from when I last saw them. They are incredibly beautiful kids and they have my great looks. lol

Anyway, I am tired and need to go back to the shelter to have my dinner and have a nice warm shower, read and then off to bed for another day of work tomorrow.

I must say one last thing. I am enjoying having a routine in my life once again. It really is about time. Time for me to continue my change, for the better

Thanks for listening.
Don't be afraid to be the very best version of yourself.
It really is rewarding.
Hope, Love, Compassion (The New Me)
Tim Barber

WOW

Hello all. I want to thank all my followers for reaching out, I am very impressed with all your comments and I thank you dearly. However, this must continue. What I mean to say is, I want you to continue to tell your friends and family and make sure that hey tell there friends and family and so on and so on and, well you get the point.

I had a great day at work today and was looking so forward to getting to the library to check out all my comments and new followers i received. I was totally blown away when I seen that I now have 50 followers. That is 15 new followers in just one day. Again, WOW!

I am actually working for West Point Roofers and it is a labour intensive job but the boss guy seems to like my work and it sounds like I will be around with this company for some time.

The biggest problem I am going to have is trying to make it till my first pay. Which happens to be next Friday. If by chance any one might have either some work that needs done over the weekend or some bus tickets to help me get through it would be greatly appreciated. I will leave my email address and the phone number where you can leave a message at the end of this blog.

By the way, I did not use for the last 2 days and this is all due to you, my reader. Again I thank you. I actually got offered to smoke a joint today and I said No. Can you believe it. I actually said NO! I feel so good about the way my life is going and I think that I am going to make a big difference. I promise to continue to be strong and I encourage you to continue to leave comments as it makes me even stronger.

Also, I actually am gaining happiness in my life, it is so nice to actually be able to smile when I see all the lovely comments on my blog, please keep it up.

Hopefully within a week or two I will be able to post a picture of my children on my blog for each of you to see. I am hoping to have them scanned and then you can see what I am fighting for. What I long to see once again. It is actually a picture of when I last saw them when they were 4 and 5. For those of you that don't know, my children's names are Tyler and Destiny. Oh how I miss them so.

I am actually really tired right now and I am going back to the shelter to take a shower, read a little and get a good night sleep, so I can be refreshed for tomorrow.

I also would like to encourage you all to go back and read some of my other blogs to get a better understanding of me. I am trying to continue with my autobiography and God willing, I will

Regaining Happiness
I feel the Love

Thank you one and all,
Tim Barber
Homeless and filled with Hope

PS Have you done something nice today for a homeless person?

TRYING TO PAY IT FORWARD

I am pissed off at myself and I really think I have every right to be. I haven't been giving it 100% for the last couple of months when I really should have been. Maybe I am being a little too hard on myself. I don't think that there is one perfect person in this world. I know that i am not perfect. What i am trying to say is, yes, i have been using drugs and alcohol lately. I have not been the better version of myself that i was trying to be.

Its time to take control of my life and make changes. I do not want to be homeless when i die. I am about to try and become a difference in this homeless world i live. From this day forward i Tim Barber am going to start living a life with more meaning.

I met a wonderful woman the other day that is doing something to help the homeless. Her name is Kim. Kim volunteers her time with Walking with the Homeless. I had an opportunity to sit down with Kim over coffee and i have to say it made something in my mind click. Maybe I'm not making any sense to you. I feel as though i finally realized that really i am not alone and i can help make a difference. Thank you Kim.

Which brings me back to my original point.

I start a new job tomorrow and i truly hope that i will be able to handle going back to work full time. Lets just say that i am going to conduct an experiment of my own. Oh!! By the way, i want you, my reader, to get involved.

You see, i don't see my followers climbing very well and i am also going to try and change that. I want you to start talking to all your friends and family and get them to become a follower. Please. I am going to give you the opportunity to help me stay clean and sober. Every day that i see at least one more follower from the previous day, it will make me stronger to see that there is more then 35 people that care about making a difference. I know that there is thousands of people that care whats happening with the homeless. The homeless need people like you.

I really want to try and get some closure on things in my life. Slowly i am doing this. I know that your probably lost by now. I sometimes just ramble on. Lately i just have been having mixed feelings and emotions. There are certain days that i want to give up and a big part of me does. For some strange reason i still seem to wake up each and every morning and i wonder what my day has in store. I really didn't know what to expect. Ive had no routine. Its time i tried to get into some sort of routine, thus starting a new job tomorrow. I really do want to try and become a better version of myself.

I think the next couple of weeks will be crucial in any kind of good i may do. What i mean to say is, i want to stay clean and i want to give back to the homeless in the best way possible. I have a brain. Oh by the way, so does every homeless person. Did you know that they are people too. Sorry i just get a little angry when i see some people, the way they look at me or other homeless people. Not everybody but some people. I wasn't trying to be funny.

So basically, i look forward to all your comments whether that be good or bad, just comment. I want yo be able to write more blogs in the near future and i will. I need you, my reader, to go talk to people, just mention it , it only takes a second or two. I look forward to making a difference and with your help, we will.

Quick update:

I still have not got news from lawyer about when first visit with kids is, but should be soon. Cross my fingers.

Possible new author coming onto blog soon. Her name is Brittany and she is 19 years old and homeless.

I am going to try and become a better person. I truly want to live a clean and sober life. This is no easy task for me. Im clean today and i will continue to work on that. Whatever it takes, i need to find a way to maintain that. I truly beleive that i could be in my own place by the First of February. I just need to apply what i think and know to my life. I havnt been doing that. It really pisses me off that i didnt liten to my granpa 30 years ago. Save , put away money for when you get old. Now i am getting old and i have nothing to show for it. I have had so much in my life. When i look back at all the furniture and knick knacks, not to mention money. Good paying jobs, company vehicle. Why did i let my life get like this.

Easy! Addiction is a disease. I unfortunanettly am one that gets addicted to anything that involves pleasure. Well most things that involve pleusure. The funny thing is, i have no interest in sex at this poiint of my life. Wird. Then again, it would probably prefer a sex addiction over crack. The way my luck is though, mine would be a no sex addict.

The only real thing i care about right at this point of my life is when i finally get to have a life with my children once again. I will say it again even though i know you already know this, but i need them to regain the only happiness i truly have felt in my life. I love and miss my chilren and i know that God will put me back with my children when God knows it is time. I truly beleive that. I just dont want to be a messed up human being when that chance arrives.

I want to thank all my readers for listening and I look forward to hearing all your comments.

HOPE
INSPIRATION
COMPASSION
Do something this week for a homeless person
Buy them a coffee or just say hello,
Thanks,
Tim Barber