Homeless Winter

Here I am stuck in the same old rut. I think you know where I'm going with this. I will be straight up honest and tell you, I used. Its as simple as that and I truly am getting sick, sick and tired of my addiction. Sometimes I truly challenge that notion though. I believe that I also have some sort of fucked up brain.

Now that Ive got that off my back, lets just talk about what its been like for me lately.

I was doing really well up until Thursday night. Then for some reason which I am still trying to figure out happened. This probably doesn’t make sense and I hope to reach out and grab your attention, just bare with me.

I went for a walk tonight despite the very frigid weather. I needed to think. Its actually something in my life Ive always enjoyed doing. Just taking a walk and thinking about where my is leading. I sometimes even talk out loud like I'm having a conversation with myself. Don’t worry, I'm not crazy. At least I hope not. I think about all sorts of things, I basically let my mind wonder where it may.

While out on my walk I got to thinking about my children and about whats happening in their life. I wonder what its like to be a father to an 8 and 9 year old. I started thinking about all the interesting things they may be doing. I wonder what thy read, what they like, what they like to do and pretty well anything about them. Its been way to long. Then I started wondering what they would think about a dad that’s gets fucked up on crack. They would probably think dads a loser, and the yd be right. I start wondering how my life could have been if I still had the kids in my life.

Some days its very difficult to find any motivation to actually get out and do something. I'm actually having a difficult time trying to stay focused on this newest blog that you are currently reading. For me, writing these blogs relieves some of the tension that I have built up. In other words, its very therapeutic and that’s why I continue to write them.

Thursday i had 160$ by four o'clock in the afternoon and by 7 AM the next morning, I had barely enough to buy a coffee, but I still had a half pack of smokes. WooHoo!!
Crack will take every penny out of your pocket, quick. What the fuck is my problem? I so want to get my life turned around but I still don’t learn. I'm getting a lot frustrated with my way of thinking and living like I do, I'm sick of it. Why oh why do I put myself through such crap. I'm not trying to beat up on myself, I just want to try and find answers, its that simple.

The answers will have to come from within me. It also helps when I have support. That’s why you, my reader, are a very instrumental part in my journey. Right now I'm just stuck in the snow, so to say.

Wow, trying to stay focused but mind wandering. Actually listening to Jewel right now. She has a very soothing voice and I really like her music. Its hard to believe that she was once homeless. OK, gotta focus, gotta get back on track.

Why do I feel so blue, yet I feel a glimpse of hope. I'm actually almost crying and I really cant understand why sometimes I just get lost in emotional part of my brain, I don’t know how to explain it. Like I said, maybe I am crazy. NOT!

This may seem all fucked up to you, but it is now a week later and i really want to try and finish this blog and just get on with my miserable life.

OK, so i am being hard on myself and i think that it is a long time coming. I am not going to feel sorry for myself. I live a crazy life and i honestly wish it would end soon! By the way, i am not kidding. I really don't want to deal with anything anymore and hope that something gives. If something doesn't change soon, i will be just a another homeless memory that will be gone from your thought.


I no that i sound a little confused and that's OK because i really don't give a flying rats ass if anybody leaves comments or whatever anymore.


I have decided that i am going to start worrying about me and me only. No more thoughts of kids, no more worrying about what my day will bring, i am totally shutting down and am just going to try and get through another miserable winter in Calgary.


For all those that think i can beat this addiction, i am truly sorry but i cant, try and stop it. I am hooked and i don't think there is anything i can do to stop it, yet i keep living. WHY?? i feel like i have already died and i am already in Hell. That is the way it feels. Will i ever get out of this hell. I hope so. But i doubt it. i don't have the strength.

Where is my angel?
Where is my life?
What have i become?
Do i really deserve to live?
Does anyone care?
Do I care?
Do my kids even know i exist?
Would they care?

These are my remarks and i will not take them back!
Might talk to you soon, i will see!

Tim Barber
Homeless in Calgary