This Will Blow Your Mind

Interesting, however! I have no fucking idea of what’s so interesting. I need help!
I am sorry, but not really, my life is really fucked right at this very moment!
Here I am sitting at the front door of Emmanuel Church, at the bus stop and I don’t know what to do next. I look around , traffic is flowing quite nicely, there’s not a lot of people walking around, it could be exactly what I needed. We’ll see!
You no what, I think I’ll go for a walk.
I went for a walk and bought a cup of coffee. Actually I found a Starbucks Card with $5.75 US , so this is actually the second cup of coffee off of the card, Lucky Me! lol Not Funny!
Time for the interesting part. I told you I would blow your mind so I will give you the quick version , then we will get into the events which happened.
Received $1104 dollars on Tuesday morning, it is now Wednesday Afternoon. You see where I’m going with this. Hold on, your in for a Hell of a ride.
I take another walk, this time I find a half joint of marijuana so I went to go sit under the bridge. The location does not matter. I used the crack pipe I had to smoke the joint. What a rush! So here I am several hours later,
By the way , I am at Alpha House. I’m not amused.
I don’t exactly hate myself but I feel pretty shitty.
I have heard it said that you learn from a relapse. How many times do I have to learn before I graduate. What I’m trying to say is, your always learning something or other in life. However , I’m still learning.
Alpha House is just one example of learning. Problem is, I must have forgot, or just played stupid.

Alpha House:
1 A lot of drunks.
2 Crabby staff-not all ( sorry, but you should record your day and watch it later and you would understand what I say.)
3 Very hard to get food.
4 They actually make the D.I. look good (I cant stand the D.I.)
Anyway, here I am again, At this moment I am waiting for them to put out some snacks. I haven’t eaten since Tuesday morning when I had a bowl of Rice Krispies. Its now 4 PM, I need something in my belly. I also haven’t slept since then either. I end up getting a bite to eat and passed out.

So I will now try to fill you in on the rest of the details. It all started when I received my T4 from Coremark. I decided to take it in to HR block, figuring to get back maybe $300. As I have already pointed out, I got back $1104 dollars. I can say quite truthfully that my thoughts were not on using when I went there but by the time I left, I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.
The first thing I did when I received my cash card was head straight across the road for a beer. After finishing my beer, I took the bus to the Casino where I took out the 1100 dollars. I never did play any of the slots. I actually proceeded to call a dealer and away I was in a cab. 15 minutes later I arrive and buy my first big chunk of crack. This cost me 240 dollars but would last me the next couple of hours. I went to the living room, and preceded to do my first hoot in about a couple of months.
That first hoot does its trick but I don’t stop at just one. NO! As soon as I finish that hoot I decide to send one of the houseguests to buy me a 15 pack of beer and 2 packs of smokes. By the time they get back with the beer I have already had a few more hoots. I only end up having 3 beer out of that first case and of course even more hoots. The only thing the hoots were doing by this point was making me more paranoid and very sketchy. I actually even asked the guy living at the place I was at if he knew a woman I could get together with, which he did. She showed up about a couple hours later. However, the only thing we wound up doing was getting more stoned and drinking a few more beer. not much beer though and absolutely no sex. By 10 AM the next morning I was broke except for 8 dollars in change which I would spend fairly quickly.
So I leave, all fucked up and still somewhat paranoid. Which actually brings me back to the beginning of this story.
It is now my second night at Alpha House. I actually went out for a few hours to get some cigarette butts and some fresh air. It seems weird putting that in one sentence, but that’s what I did.
I have not taken my meds in 3 days and I am starting to get a little shaky and grumpy, and I have very little energy. I hope to take my meds soon as I am still waiting for them to be dropped off.
The staff here seem a little less crabbier then from the day before. I also have my name on the detox list for the second day in a row. I am hoping that I can get in, as I said, I need help.
I should quickly mention that there was an article in the Sun on Thursday talking about crack and crime. The article stated that 8 or 9 out of 10 crack heads will resort to crime to fuel their addiction. I can tell you that I am not one of those people. Even though I agree with what was said in the article , I don’t want people to think that I fit in the category of those 8 or 9 people. Just because I use crack, don’t think for a second that I use crime to fuel my shitty addiction. I do not and will not ever steal to get drugs and if I ever do, please just shoot me!
I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen over the next few days but I do hope that I can find the help I so desperately need . I really don’t know what else to say now except to say that I am still learning and a lot further away from graduating.
In closing, I would like to thank the Alpha House staff for all of their help. I’m starting to understand what they go through on a daily basis. I don’t think it is so wise to work a 12 hour shift when your dealing with drunks and druggies. It seems to me that when you are getting closer to the end of your shifts, you tend to lose patience with your clients more frequently, not all staff. I would recommend shorter shifts. This is just my opinion. I will say this, keep up the good work. At least you have been patient with me.
This brings me to Friday morning and I have finally taken my medication and I feel somewhat better. I did not get into detox again today but I do have my name on the list again to try Saturday morning.
In closing, I ask that you, my reader, to please be patient with me while I try to figure things out in my life. Please keep me in your thoughts and in your prayers. I need your support more then ever and I hope that you will still provide that.

Still Living Homeless
Your Writer,
Tim Barber

P.S The only good thing about hitting rock bottom is that there’s no place to go but up.