Amazing! God is Good!

Hello to all of you! It is a glorious day in my silly silly life. That's just a line from Pink! I feel so alive and so full of energy. I am so proud of myself for continuing with my clean and sober ways. Every day that goes by, I feel so much more confident in myself that I can remain clean and sober.

I would like to welcome my newest follower, Surina, welcome to my blog. I call it my blog, because I am now the administrator and have the power to invite other authors. I am going to ask all of my followers, if you know any one that is homeless or has experienced homelessness, to please email me and get involved. I am also starting a project that will get others heard in the near future. It involves talking to the homeless and getting their story. I am actually still working on some questions I think would be beneficial for you, my reader , to know about homelessness.

In other news, which there has been some drastic developments in my upcoming future and i think i will share them with you now. I know! Quit mumbling and get on with it, but first I just want to tell you once again what a wonderful world it is that we live in. I am just so happy to be a Calgarian, with all the wonderful people that i have in my life.

For one, Kim has been such an inspiration for me as each and every one of you has as well been instrumental in my recovery. Really, I don't know how to say thank you enough. How about I just let you know the news. No crying allowed.

First of all, I was accepted into the Keys to Recovery program. I will be looking at a few one bedroom places next week and i get to pick the one I like. Then i get to move into this place by myself within 2 days following my very own choice. Wow. I'm so excited as i tell you this i have a great big grin on my face. Oh boy! Oh boy! Sorry, I'm just so darn happy. Doping my happy dance every day. I also have to say thank you "God". This is the best thing that has happened in years.

But that's not all folks, no, not at all. It just so happens that I was talking to my lawyer on the same day I was accepted to Keys to Recovery and .....The court date is set for April 27th to get access to seeing my kids. Oh Boy! oh Boy!. Did I mention that I am so hyper, elated, excited, joyous, grateful,. Yes, I think I did. Can you tell?

Anyway, over the next month I will be filling you in on all the details of my move in, and letting you know more about every day activities that I plan on getting involved in. I have to remember with all this excitement, that I still need to take it day by day.

One last thing before I go, I want to say thank you again to all my followers for posting comments on my blogs and as well as on facebook. I really do appreciate all your comments and encourage you to continue posting them.

Also, thank you Kim, for getting things from The Mustard Seed for my new place, you really are an Angel, you know that, don't you?

A special thank you goes out as well to Trudy who works at the Mustard Seed and let me pick out lots of things for my place including a really fantastic TV. God bless you and the Mustard Seed for all your work with the homeless.

Last but not least. I sure am going to miss all the staff at the Alpha House. They were a very big part in the changes in my life and I really wouldn't have been able to do this without them. I am forever grateful for your compassion and kindness. I know you will all miss me there, and if you want I will come back and visit everyday..lol..I can see the look on a few staff members faces thinking, no, stay away.. just kidding.. I know how much you people will miss my good nature..admit it..I love you all. Thank You

Joyous Times

Happy Birthday to me.

Its such a good day to be clean and sober. I feel so young and alive. I feel like I am 20 all over again. In fact I am only 23 today! NOT! Actually 44, ouch!

I am so happy today because I got my affidavit signed by a commissioner of oath, which is to go to my family lawyer to possibly see my kids by as early s the end of April. It has taken many years to accomplish this and I am so looking forward to the day I once again reunite with my children.

I have also graduated from the AADAC program and even have a certificate.. I think I am cured! NOT!! I still have the rest of my life being an addict and I now need to make the right choices in order to maintain my recovery. I have the choice whether or not I want to be in active addiction or a recovering addict. I choose recovery.

I realize that this affidavit I signed means a big turning point in my life and I will likely have a lot of emotions coming into my life over the next few months and I have to handle them without the use of drugs and alcohol.

My biggest plus is that I have a great support network in this blog and on facebook. I need you, my reader more then ever to start leaving encouraging words and comments more then ever. Also, over the next few months as I go forward, I may have some very emotional days and I will need people to talk to. I surely will look to you all for support. I will also pray to God that he helps with my little problems, I now know that can do this and I will not give up. The only thing I will give up, is drugs and alcohol. Simple!

I would love to say that it is simple, however, I have been using for a good two thirds of my life and I have to continue doing all the little things that help me in my recovery.

Some of these things I will list now and if you can think of anything else that may help me in my recovery, please do not hesitate to leave remarks of your suggestions. I am willing to try anything if it helps my recovery...Here we go;

Facebook Friends
Journaling
Writing my book
12 Step meetings
Looking for a sponsor
Counseling
Reading recovery books
I could probably think of more, I want your ideas now.

Thanks for listening.
I look forward to all your comments.

Tim Barber

The Happy Dance!! lol

Everything I do these days seems to be addiction related. This is not such a bad thing considering how early it is in my recovery this time around. I am almost finished with my AADAC program and finding myself wondering what I can do next to keep myself busy during the day.

I think I will try and find somewhere that I can volunteer my services to keep me from getting bored. There is another slogan which I find effective in preventing a relapse, its called HALT
Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired

If I find myself getting into one of these areas it is not a good thing.

Right at the present time I am being fed very well by the Alpha House Society, so I don’t need to worry about that until I actually leave Alpha House. Then it is very important that I continue to feed myself and keep my weight up to what it is at the present time.

As for being angry, well I am not one that actually gets angry all that often and I do know that it is a normal emotion so long as I deal with anger when it presents itself and don’t let it build up. Its funny, how can I be angry when every morning I wake up and do my Happy Dance...lol...

As for being lonely, well this one seems pretty basic to me... Go to meetings every night and I should be OK... However that being said, I need to also get out and meet new people who are not using and are willing to help me in my recovery. I need people who like to go for walks, have coffee, play cards, etc...etc...I need people just like you reading this blog.

Tired , so tired, well my medication seems to be giving me more energy to be able to have a fulfilling day and I am getting my 8 hours of sleep every night, so I am good.....

I cant believe I actually have 32 days in clean and sober, where has the time gone? I even still have some money in the bank, can you believe it? Wow!!! Let me say that just one more time, Wow!! I feel really proud of myself the way I have changed the way of thinking, I am able to cope with my emotions without the use of drugs or alcohol... I really have found a new way of life, my life... I need not worry about what will happen the rest of the day, I need worry only worry about the here and now. Even then, why worry?

I really don’t no what else to say at this time , except to thank you all for your support, couldn’t do it without you.

All the best,

Tim Barber

Have you stopped to take time for a talk with a homeless person. It only takes 15 minutes of your time and it is well worth it. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by, it could literally make the difference in a persons life. I encourage you, go now, talk with a homeless person, stop reading my blog and go, I MEAN NOW!!!!!!

Untitled

As I sit here in my glass house with all the fakeness and pain that I am enduring, as I sit and wonder, will you drink today, will you question me, will you call me a whore, will you lash your fist in anger , is it my illness the drink, Yes, you made it mine. I become so intense with your anger and pain, but today as I wake in my lonely bed, I feel safe, but as I turn the corner outside my room and see you with the day after looking glassy eyed and fucked up, I wonder how long the shit will start, the pain will lash out soon, I want to run but my feet won’t let me. I am buried in your pain and anger, I tingle from head to toe feeling your pain, I try as I might to keep you out, but you creep back in, your promise of no more drink, but the drink takes over and your pain turns to anger and the fist will shake and the pain will unlock your nightmares that become my own, as I sit here and wonder…
The day after you are full of tears and regret, but I know it will be short lived, but I want to believe you, I want to sit in that sunshine with you and feel the sun on our bodies and no more pain, the promises you gave to me are all but dreams, as I sit here and wonder and you in another place with your drink in hand, I wait for your pain to become mine.
As I sit here and wonder, I am scared, I am lonely, the pain becomes so great, because the drinking becomes more, the anger becomes worse and the threats seem strange to me because I don’t give a damn of your pain, I want it gone, I want you gone I want to breathe good air and good times. I want to bask in the sunshine with no anger or guilt that you will throw. Oh I am done with your guilt and your lies of yesterday, your anger is yours, not mine, but I sit here and tremble of what may happen today. You won’t leave, but you won’t share, the only thing you share is the painful bruises and hurts that you have inflicted upon me.
As I sit here in the middle of the day and wait for you to arrive, you walk in drunk and full of hate for your pain and bitterness, you look different, you feel slimy, the pain is starting,,, you say, I am sorry in a slurred voice, you say, I don’t want to frighten you little girl, but your rage is still there, are you tricking me, I wait and sit, not moving a muscle in fear that you will see that as me being sarcastic, I nod and agree with everything you say because you want me to believe those awful things you have said, Whore, wicked, evil, you tell me I have addictions, I do, it is you, but I want you to go so my additions will heal.
As I sit here and wonder……

This was written by a woman that has finally said, Goodbye to that life. She wanted me to share this with the group…

Anonymous

Posted by Tim Barber on this brave woman's behalf with permission from a very dear support in my life, Kim Gagnon

Thank you
Please leave encouraging comments
Remember to always Pay it Forward

HOW?

When I put my mind to it, I can do anything. Proof, will be in my actions. I have a lot of growing up to do , in order to actually grow up. Does this make any sense?

I need to change the way I think, I also need to change my old habits. HOW?

As it is said I most of the anonymous meeting, it is important to be:
HONEST
OPENMINDED
WILLINGNESS

These are three things that usually come easy to me in my life.

#1-Honesty

I have always tried to be honest in my life. Somehow I lost that honesty while I was in my using ways. So, for me, its just a matter of staying clean from alcohol and drugs. Thus, I will stay honest.

I am not ashamed of being an addict, if anything it has made me a much stronger person in life, mentally. Don’t get the wrong impression, I will not go back to drugs and alcohol just to prove this point. The point is, I am a smart person who knows now what it is like to be hooked on some sort of drug or another. And the bottom line to you, my reader is, alcohol is also a drug...period. I know now the effects it has on me and on others, including my friends and my family. I could go on and on about this but that can wait for another time.

#2-Open-Minded

I have to be open to new ideas, I need not just open my ears and let information through like a river to the outside where it gets lost in the world around me. I need to put cotton baton in one ear and be able to absorb the information and things people are telling me. This applies to people who are trying to help me in my recovery. I may not like some of these suggestions but I realize that so long as I am open-minded about the suggestions being made and at least give them thought, it may be something that will help me in my recovery further down the road. It could be as simple as reading some literature or any idea for that matter. So long as I have an open mind about what is said or suggested. It couldn’t hurt!

#3-Willingness

This one sounds like it would be easy considering I never had a problem, being I was always willing to try new drugs and to do new things all through my life. Some of these things I became very ashamed of and at this time I will not get into them as I will be revealing all in my book. Which I hope you all will read. Yes, that means you too! You, reading this blog.

For me, willingness means going that extra mile to remain clean and sober. Whether I am setting up for a meeting, being someone to talk to or even volunteering. Basically, I want to give back to those who have helped in my road to recovery. This is something I have already begun to do and I will continue to do so. I actually feel so much better about these little things that I am doing now, where it almost makes me feel high! It is a high on life which has become my new addiction, a healthy one!

Its actually weird when I look at the open-mindness and willingness part because I was always this way when it came to alcohol and drugs. I need to now take this to a whole new level. As it says in the third step of Anonymous programs. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him.

To me, this means my thoughts and actions. I need to change the way I think and I need to take action. It seems pretty easy, but it is going to take a lot of work.

For so many years now I have always drank or used drugs to cope with the way I feel. Dealing with the trauma of past events and the pain I endured, the anger, the guilt and the grief are among the many things that I didn’t want to deal with without some sort of drug. I was self medicating. Now I am focusing on my support network that I am building in order to deal with these thoughts and feelings in a more healthy way. No longer will I run from my problems but I will confront them with the help of others, including you, my reader.

I know that deep down inside of me there is a good person that wants to come out and every day a little piece of me does. Only because I am staying clean and sober. I believe there is good in each and every individual on this earth. Each person I believe has a unique gift given to them. It may take many years to find out that gift and purpose but it is well worth pursuing. I personally am going to try my very best to be the very best version of myself that I could possibly be.

In other news for my followers:

I am still clean and sober and I am in my first week of AADAC day program and I find myself sharing some of the skeletons from my closet to some great group members. I actually had a great deal of relief sharing one experience today which nobody judged me for and it totally blows me away that I actually am getting some closure in my life. This doesn’t mean I am cured by no means and I still have plenty of work left to do but it feels great to be me today.

I am also currently working on a small project for this blog. I am trying to get others involved by writing their stories so we can share our stories with you. I would hope then when I do get some more authors on this blog, you will sow them the same compassion you have shown me over the past year. Can you believe this blog is over a year old? I encourage you to leave comments to new authors as you have done to me. I hope that by getting our voices heard, we can change peoples lives even if its one person at a time.

I love you all, until next time. Good morning, good afternoon and good-night!

Tim Barber
(Timbits)

P.S- Please talk to a homeless person today and spend fifteen minutes, let them share their story with you, you might be surprised by what they have to say. What have you got to lose?

WANTED: Encouraging Comments